Incident with an autistic child and his father. I’m probably the idiot here.

[OuiRPSU]

I just assume all of his posts are schtick. Why one would apply their schtick to kids with autism I have no idea, but I assume it’s schtick all the same.

Yeah, I guess so. I have moved off that thread, so I am in a different headspace now. Have a happy holiday!

 

[BobPSU92]

Bob since your triggering events seem to happen at Starbucks, maybe you can arrange to get in 30 minutes before they open the door to the general public .

The baristas will still tell me to go f*ck myself.

 

[BobPSU92]

Or make coffee at home like most people.

I do that too. Besides, I get TRIGGERED. at home all the time.

 

[nittanyfan333]

I’m sure everyone here is tired of hearing me say my kids are on the spectrum, but it’s one of the few areas in which I am truly an expert (well, in my situation, at least) and I think it’s important for everyone to realize that parents of kids with Autism walk this line EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN’ DAY!

When I’m not with my kids, other kids are the last thing I want to deal with. But when I am out with my kids, I am vigilant about them being allowed to do what they need to do to cope while, at the same time, making sure what they’re doing isn’t negatively impacting others around them…EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKIN’. DAY.

The only thing “you*” need to do is remind yourself you have no idea what others are going through.

*Not you personally

100000%. Having a kid on the spectrum is exhausting. I’m constantly on alert for everything around me and how it could not only affect my kid but how my kid could affect it. Doesn’t really jive well with my PTSD from a heightened sense of awareness standpoint.

Freaking exhausting

But I wouldn’t change a thing about it. I love my son and everything about him. Wouldn’t change anything. He has taught me to be a master of patience and empathy.

Autism isn’t a disability; it’s a different ability.

 

[laKavosiey-st lion]

Not all autistic kids are the same. That’s why they call it the spectrum. There is a wide variance in its impact. Just because you deal with a kid who has autism and acts a certain way doesn’t mean you should expect others who have autism to act the same.
I’ll say this, Bob. Once the father told you his son has autism you probably should have just apologized and explained that he startled you and offered holiday well wishes. You seem like a pretty affable fellow, that was probably the best route to go down. When you throw in the excitement of the holidays along with school being out, it is likely that this kid’s routine is off and caused him to act unexpectedly out of character.

Yep the 3 I had/have range from non verbal to ROWDY. The parents are studs, not sure how they do it.

 

[Connorpozlee]

I’m sure everyone here is tired of hearing me say my kids are on the spectrum, but it’s one of the few areas in which I am truly an expert (well, in my situation, at least) and I think it’s important for everyone to realize that parents of kids with Autism walk this line EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN’ DAY!

When I’m not with my kids, other kids are the last thing I want to deal with. But when I am out with my kids, I am vigilant about them being allowed to do what they need to do to cope while, at the same time, making sure what they’re doing isn’t negatively impacting others around them…EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKIN’. DAY.

The only thing “you*” need to do is remind yourself you have no idea what others are going through.

*Not you personally

Message board opinions are typically over the top. I rarely see people react in real life like they say they do (or would do) on the message board.
I grew up with a younger sister with Down Syndrome. It was exhausting for my parents. She was raised to be as decent a human being as she was capable of. Still, she had moments you just couldn’t anticipate. For instance, one time my older brother took her for a walk on the boardwalk in Spring Lake, NJ. Passing an older couple eating ice cream cones, my sister starts talking to them. They politely play along and tried answering questions they thought she was asking. Then in an instant, my brother saw my sister’s eyes focus in and before he could react she took a chomp out of that lady’s ice cream cone. The reaction was laughter and forgiveness by the older couple. My brother’s reaction was apologies and getting himself an ice cream cone while not getting her one. Seems about the right way to handle it all the way around.

 

[Tom_PSU]

I guess I’m the idiot,

Based on the countless interactions you’ve described to us over the years that involved your embarrassing scenarios with others, I’m both astounded and mystified that you’re still having this internal debate with yourself.

 

[FG Dreadnought]

Being startled elicits varied reactions. The child is not responsible completely for their actions. The father, likely frustrated from his situation, lashed out a bit and could have done much better given his son did startle another patron. Sad incident, you reacted yet let it go to discuss here. No one knows exactly how they will react to these situations until you have reacted. I sense some regret yet you were the person shocked out of reading you phone. Just one of those deals where no one wins or is satisfied with the result. Better luck next time.

 

[LionJim]

Being startled elicits varied reactions. The child is not responsible completely for their actions. The father, likely frustrated from his situation, lashed out a bit and could have done much better given his son did startle another patron. Sad incident, you reacted yet let it go to discuss here. No one knows exactly how they will react to these situations until you have reacted. I sense some regret yet you were the person shocked out of reading you phone. Just one of those deals where no one wins or is satisfied with the result. Better luck next time.

Yeah, sometimes it’s just not that complicated.

Still, an educational thread I suspect everyone needed. I know I learned something.

 

[FTLPSU]

Bob much courage for opening up about your negative encounter and asking for thoughts and opinions.

We all react sometimes in ways we wish we could have done it differently. Everyone has some varying levels of impulsiveness-I certainly react to quickly and can be impulsive at the wrongs times. The easiest way to neutralize things in public is to be kind and apologetic IMHO. The father as already covered in this thread is in a tuff spot, tired frustrated and naturally defensive when it comes to his son. He simply should have played victim and said to you "We apologize he is autistic, he doesn't respond to yelling sir." that is an assertive way of controlling the situation-but like you he reacted negatively. I would have probably reacted similarly to you as I think parents should be responsible for children's behavior in public places (assuming not special needs etc). I would have looked at the parent and said something-but again probably would have not changed the negative reactions.

People usually fall in these categories when reacting and rarely the Assertive one--they jump Assertive and go to the extreme.
Passive--Assertive--Aggressive.

I believe most people are defensive and do not fall on the sword in public--in other words take the high road in public, be kind and apologetic IMHO---it works for me.

But again, kudos to you for sharing that take a lot and is wise by you as well as we all learned from this thread.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

 

[Lion84]

I would give people with special needs kids a pass - as mentioned they have it tough enough already but the parents who let their kids do whatever the hell the want in public places deserve all the grief they get. When are kids were young I was embarrassed when they acted up and if I had to take them out of the place to calm down I did - now it seems for some you have to put up with there kids being a-holes - I draw the line there.

 

[ChandlerPearce]

As the parent of a seven year old boy I generally give kids a pass unless they’re doing something dangerous or harmful; my kid has thrown fits and crawled under tables, thrown toys in restaurants, etc. So, I know parents can have tough days and even getting a minute to yourself to enjoy a coffee can be a small miracle. I don’t know if you have kids but do find it odd that your instinct was to yell at the kid. Still, it’s not your fault as others have noted - the dad should not allow his kid to run around unsupervised (autistic or not).

I have 93 grandchildren....9 from my children and 84 ride my school bus. Yes....i took a school bus driver position since i have all the needed qualifications (CDL, First Aid, etc) and it is something i can do to give back. Autistic children are very difficult, not only is there such a great variation of symptoms and different degrees of condition it isn't always obvious the child has the affliction. Should the child be without supervision....no....but welcome to 2023 where child disipline isn't what it once was. While i do not believe you were totally at fault...hopefully in the future you will use a slightly less aggressive approach when dealing with youth.

 

[leinbacker]

Bob since your triggering events seem to happen at Starbucks, maybe you can arrange to get in 30 minutes before they open the door to the general public .

I never go to Starbucks, I feel like I’m missing out on daily excitement.

 

[wbcbus]

I can’t imagine not responding though. Bob is sitting there, deep in thought to the point of being in a trance, probably reading this message board when suddenly and deliberately, he is screamed at. It seems his actions were a reflexive defense mechanism. I have had people startle me and I usually give a verbal “hey” until I compose myself.

This is Jersey I assume, typically you just escalate to calling each other jerkoffs and it ends, but this is a kid. I think Bob handled it as well as expected.

Yeah I agree, why he’s not an a-hole, but I still think I’d avoid yelling at the kid. Maybe not, hasn’t happened to me. I’d certainly be startled, so who knows.

 

[leinbacker]

Being startled elicits varied reactions. The child is not responsible completely for their actions. The father, likely frustrated from his situation, lashed out a bit and could have done much better given his son did startle another patron. Sad incident, you reacted yet let it go to discuss here. No one knows exactly how they will react to these situations until you have reacted. I sense some regret yet you were the person shocked out of reading you phone. Just one of those deals where no one wins or is satisfied with the result. Better luck next time.

It’s not like he premeditated correcting the kid that startled him and unless he unloaded a bunch of explicitives, was within bounds.

people react differently when startled…

 

[Nits74]

So I’m sitting in Starbucks with a latte, head down, reading an article on my phone, and minding my business. All of a sudden, a boy, about eight years old, runs close by my table very fast and screams loudly in a high pitch. He screamed right in my ear and startled the hell out of me. Instinctively, I yelled at the kid, “Hey! Don’t yell in my ear!”

The father was nearby waiting for a drink and told me not to yell at his son. I calmly explained what happened, at which point the father says that his son is autistic. So I said that I had no way of knowing that and that his son still yelled loudly and startled me. The father then said that I should leave if it bothers me. Of course, I didn’t. Moments later, he got his drink, and he and his son left.

I guess I’m the idiot, but what responsibility does a parent with an autistic child have? Presumably, the kid can’t control himself, but that doesn’t mean that he has free rein to do whatever he wants, does it? I feel for the kid, but isn’t the parent supposed to watch his son and not allow him to run around a store screaming? Obviously I can’t tell that a rambunctious kid is autistic. It’s O.K. for the parent to essentially use his son’s autism as a license to do whatever he wants, tell me to leave, and not accept any responsibility?

What is the parent’s responsibility here?

With you 100%. You showed considerable restraint. And heck, you didn't even say "I'll be right back."

 

[GrimReaper]

So I’m sitting in Starbucks with a latte, head down, reading an article on my phone, and minding my business. All of a sudden, a boy, about eight years old, runs close by my table very fast and screams loudly in a high pitch. He screamed right in my ear and startled the hell out of me. Instinctively, I yelled at the kid, “Hey! Don’t yell in my ear!”

The father was nearby waiting for a drink and told me not to yell at his son. I calmly explained what happened, at which point the father says that his son is autistic. So I said that I had no way of knowing that and that his son still yelled loudly and startled me. The father then said that I should leave if it bothers me. Of course, I didn’t. Moments later, he got his drink, and he and his son left.

I guess I’m the idiot, but what responsibility does a parent with an autistic child have? Presumably, the kid can’t control himself, but that doesn’t mean that he has free rein to do whatever he wants, does it? I feel for the kid, but isn’t the parent supposed to watch his son and not allow him to run around a store screaming? Obviously I can’t tell that a rambunctious kid is autistic. It’s O.K. for the parent to essentially use his son’s autism as a license to do whatever he wants, tell me to leave, and not accept any responsibility?

What is the parent’s responsibility here?

A few thoughts:

a. under the circumstances, you did nothing wrong, perhaps regrettable, but not wrong;

b. consider taking your coffee, in whatever form, at Liv, for a variety of good reasons; and

c. have a wonderful Christmas.

 

[psuro]

The "father" needs to keep the little **** on a leash.

Or....



The jerk store called -they are all out your kid's size.

 

[Manofsteel200]

I’m sure everyone here is tired of hearing me say my kids are on the spectrum, but it’s one of the few areas in which I am truly an expert (well, in my situation, at least) and I think it’s important for everyone to realize that parents of kids with Autism walk this line EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN’ DAY!

When I’m not with my kids, other kids are the last thing I want to deal with. But when I am out with my kids, I am vigilant about them being allowed to do what they need to do to cope while, at the same time, making sure what they’re doing isn’t negatively impacting others around them…EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKIN’. DAY.

The only thing “you*” need to do is remind yourself you have no idea what others are going through.

*Not you personally

Right. So you are exactly the opposite of the two parents discussed. I get it’s exhausting and you can only do the best you can.

 

[psuro]

delete

 

[Bwifan]

So I’m sitting in Starbucks with a latte, head down, reading an article on my phone, and minding my business. All of a sudden, a boy, about eight years old, runs close by my table very fast and screams loudly in a high pitch. He screamed right in my ear and startled the hell out of me. Instinctively, I yelled at the kid, “Hey! Don’t yell in my ear!”

The father was nearby waiting for a drink and told me not to yell at his son. I calmly explained what happened, at which point the father says that his son is autistic. So I said that I had no way of knowing that and that his son still yelled loudly and startled me. The father then said that I should leave if it bothers me. Of course, I didn’t. Moments later, he got his drink, and he and his son left.

I guess I’m the idiot, but what responsibility does a parent with an autistic child have? Presumably, the kid can’t control himself, but that doesn’t mean that he has free rein to do whatever he wants, does it? I feel for the kid, but isn’t the parent supposed to watch his son and not allow him to run around a store screaming? Obviously I can’t tell that a rambunctious kid is autistic. It’s O.K. for the parent to essentially use his son’s autism as a license to do whatever he wants, tell me to leave, and not accept any responsibility?

What is the parent’s responsibility here?

IMHO you did nothing wrong. First the father should have had better control of his child autistic or not. To me if the father had walked over to you and apologized saying my son is autistic I would have probably eased down been a little sympathetic and apologized as well saying I was a quick trigger to yell at him. Everything most likely would have been good at that point. Unless Starbucks ran out of my favorite Peppermint Mocha

 

[MacNit]

As the parent of a seven year old boy I generally give kids a pass unless they’re doing something dangerous or harmful; my kid has thrown fits and crawled under tables, thrown toys in restaurants, etc. So, I know parents can have tough days and even getting a minute to yourself to enjoy a coffee can be a small miracle. I don’t know if you have kids but do find it odd that your instinct was to yell at the kid. Still, it’s not your fault as others have noted - the dad should not allow his kid to run around unsupervised (autistic or not).

I hear you. Better yet, laugh! Life is too short. Be happy that someone in the USA is having kids.

 

[BobPSU92]

Yeah, sometimes it’s just not that complicated.

Still, an educational thread I suspect everyone needed. I know I learned something.

If you learned something, then I really need to pay attention. Back to Page 1.

 

[BobPSU92]

Based on the countless interactions you’ve described to us over the years that involved your embarrassing scenarios with others, I’m both astounded and mystified that you’re still having this internal debate with yourself.

If I were smarter, I could figure it out.

 

[Auxgym]

So I’m sitting in Starbucks with a latte, head down, reading an article on my phone, and minding my business. All of a sudden, a boy, about eight years old, runs close by my table very fast and screams loudly in a high pitch. He screamed right in my ear and startled the hell out of me. Instinctively, I yelled at the kid, “Hey! Don’t yell in my ear!”

The father was nearby waiting for a drink and told me not to yell at his son. I calmly explained what happened, at which point the father says that his son is autistic. So I said that I had no way of knowing that and that his son still yelled loudly and startled me. The father then said that I should leave if it bothers me. Of course, I didn’t. Moments later, he got his drink, and he and his son left.

I guess I’m the idiot, but what responsibility does a parent with an autistic child have? Presumably, the kid can’t control himself, but that doesn’t mean that he has free rein to do whatever he wants, does it? I feel for the kid, but isn’t the parent supposed to watch his son and not allow him to run around a store screaming? Obviously I can’t tell that a rambunctious kid is autistic. It’s O.K. for the parent to essentially use his son’s autism as a license to do whatever he wants, tell me to leave, and not accept any responsibility?

What is the parent’s responsibility here?

Bob, I thought you would be used to people being excited to see you by now?

Father should keep his kid in tow....but he has a tough life sentence. No winners here.

 

[LionsMD]

So I’m sitting in Starbucks with a latte, head down, reading an article on my phone, and minding my business. All of a sudden, a boy, about eight years old, runs close by my table very fast and screams loudly in a high pitch. He screamed right in my ear and startled the hell out of me. Instinctively, I yelled at the kid, “Hey! Don’t yell in my ear!”

The father was nearby waiting for a drink and told me not to yell at his son. I calmly explained what happened, at which point the father says that his son is autistic. So I said that I had no way of knowing that and that his son still yelled loudly and startled me. The father then said that I should leave if it bothers me. Of course, I didn’t. Moments later, he got his drink, and he and his son left.

I guess I’m the idiot, but what responsibility does a parent with an autistic child have? Presumably, the kid can’t control himself, but that doesn’t mean that he has free rein to do whatever he wants, does it? I feel for the kid, but isn’t the parent supposed to watch his son and not allow him to run around a store screaming? Obviously I can’t tell that a rambunctious kid is autistic. It’s O.K. for the parent to essentially use his son’s autism as a license to do whatever he wants, tell me to leave, and not accept any responsibility?

What is the parent’s responsibility here?

Honestly Bob, you are an F’ing idiot for acting like that in public and completely insensitive and impatient. Step back, survey the scene, and understand your surroundings, before just automatically yelling at a child.

 

[ApexLion]

So I’m sitting in Starbucks with a latte, head down, reading an article on my phone, and minding my business. All of a sudden, a boy, about eight years old, runs close by my table very fast and screams loudly in a high pitch. He screamed right in my ear and startled the hell out of me. Instinctively, I yelled at the kid, “Hey! Don’t yell in my ear!”

The father was nearby waiting for a drink and told me not to yell at his son. I calmly explained what happened, at which point the father says that his son is autistic. So I said that I had no way of knowing that and that his son still yelled loudly and startled me. The father then said that I should leave if it bothers me. Of course, I didn’t. Moments later, he got his drink, and he and his son left.

I guess I’m the idiot, but what responsibility does a parent with an autistic child have? Presumably, the kid can’t control himself, but that doesn’t mean that he has free rein to do whatever he wants, does it? I feel for the kid, but isn’t the parent supposed to watch his son and not allow him to run around a store screaming? Obviously I can’t tell that a rambunctious kid is autistic. It’s O.K. for the parent to essentially use his son’s autism as a license to do whatever he wants, tell me to leave, and not accept any responsibility?

What is the parent’s responsibility here?

Since it’s the holiday season you should have asked the father to arm wrestle. If you lose, you leave. If you win, you get to yell in his ear.

 

[StamfordBridgeVikingatLeftOffensiveTackle]

So I’m sitting in Starbucks with a latte, head down, reading an article on my phone, and minding my business. All of a sudden, a boy, about eight years old, runs close by my table very fast and screams loudly in a high pitch. He screamed right in my ear and startled the hell out of me. Instinctively, I yelled at the kid, “Hey! Don’t yell in my ear!”

The father was nearby waiting for a drink and told me not to yell at his son. I calmly explained what happened, at which point the father says that his son is autistic. So I said that I had no way of knowing that and that his son still yelled loudly and startled me. The father then said that I should leave if it bothers me. Of course, I didn’t. Moments later, he got his drink, and he and his son left.

I guess I’m the idiot, but what responsibility does a parent with an autistic child have? Presumably, the kid can’t control himself, but that doesn’t mean that he has free rein to do whatever he wants, does it? I feel for the kid, but isn’t the parent supposed to watch his son and not allow him to run around a store screaming? Obviously I can’t tell that a rambunctious kid is autistic. It’s O.K. for the parent to essentially use his son’s autism as a license to do whatever he wants, tell me to leave, and not accept any responsibility?

What is the parent’s responsibility here?

Bob, a lot of good has come out of this thread. The discussion has been largely civil and informative. Staying calm and centered is always important, and you admitting that you acted like a petulant tool has reminded us all of that. Other than the behavioral lesson, one material positive that could result from this incident for you is that there might be a tort opportunity if you get tinnitus and can show that it's a result of hearing loss caused by the kid screaming in your ear.

 

[Midnighter]

 

[BobPSU92]

 

[psuro]

let's discuss reasons why a child screamed near Bob

1.Bob was not wearing pants in public

2. See number 1

 

[Felber]

You’re the a$$hole here, Bob. Sorry…

You only control your actions and reactions, not those around you.

I’ve reacted instinctively like this many times when startled, it may even feel justified. But it’s not….I was wrong, and so we’re you:

It’s not your kid, which means, in NEARLY every instance, you have not right to yell at/ or redirect their behavior.

Autism is irreparable

quickest Ignore in history

Thanks man!!! I really appreciate it. Guessing you are one of those people with about 4 unruly kids that annoy the crap out of everybody in the room and you could care less. Bravo my man

 

[Felber]

Oh, you’re one of those kind.

What kind is that? An adult that expects parents to be in control of their children when out in public? The Autism isnt really an excuse, you can either manage the kid or not. Life isn't always fair and if you cant control your kids you need to take another approach and sure have no business chastising someone that doesn't appreciate kids running wild

 

[leinbacker]

Thanks man!!! I really appreciate it. Guessing you are one of those people with about 4 unruly kids that annoy the crap out of everybody in the room and you could care less. Bravo my man

probably drives a minivan with a baby on board sign in the window.

 

[ODShowtime]

Wait until the child gets hopped up on his kid's size mocha latte!

 

[BiochemPSU]

Dare I ask why all the hate for Starbucks?

 

[Connorpozlee]

Dare I ask why all the hate for Starbucks?

Also, why the hate for parents in general, Bob, kids with autism, parents of children with autism…….?

 

[Ludd]

What kind is that? An adult that expects parents to be in control of their children when out in public? The Autism isnt really an excuse, you can either manage the kid or not. Life isn't always fair and if you cant control your kids you need to take another approach and sure have no business chastising someone that doesn't appreciate kids running wild

The kind that thinks the world revolves around you and everyone should do things exactly the way you think they should. You know, a narcissist.

 

[Catch1lion]

Bob - Do you on occasion moonlight your coffee at Monk’s ?

 

[StamfordBridgeVikingatLeftOffensiveTackle]

let's discuss reasons why a child screamed near Bob

1.Bob was not wearing pants in public

2. See number 1

Again?