Q: Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game?
A: There was a face-off in the corner.
A: There was a face-off in the corner.
joke thread
- Thread starter santamaria78
- Start date
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the *** by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.
“He says you’re gonna die.”
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.
“He says you’re gonna die.”
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave him his business card and told him to stop by for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and handed it to him.
The Democrat was impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided it was his turn to help. So he reached into the Republican’s pocket and gave the homeless man $50.
The Democrat was impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided it was his turn to help. So he reached into the Republican’s pocket and gave the homeless man $50.
Guy goes to the doctor and says "You have to help me out. I woke up this morning and all of a sudden I have five dicks." Doctor takes a look and sure enough, there they are. Doctor says "In all my years of practicing medicine I've never seen anything like this before. How do your pants fit?" Guys says "Like a glove!"
It's very difficult to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.
Because they always take things literally.
Because they always take things literally.
Pavlov is sitting in a bar when all of a sudden the phone rings...
Pavlov gasps, "Oh ****! I forgot to feed the dogs!"
Pavlov gasps, "Oh ****! I forgot to feed the dogs!"
How did it go at the golf course?
“Well, something happened to my balls.”
“How come?”
"I stepped on a rake.”
“Well, something happened to my balls.”
“How come?”
"I stepped on a rake.”
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
One day 3 people were stuck on an island with cannibals. the cannibals said, "if you do what we say, we wont kill you". so the 3 people followed the orders the cannibals.
So the cannibals said, "go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of the first fruit you see".
So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. the cannibals said, "put the apples up your *** without making a facial expression". The person then made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him.
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
So the cannibals said, "go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of the first fruit you see".
So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. the cannibals said, "put the apples up your *** without making a facial expression". The person then made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him.
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
Why did Paris Hilton get busted doing cocaine?
It’s the only drug that can be done while looking in a mirror.
It’s the only drug that can be done while looking in a mirror.
George Bush Jr, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump are all lost at sea in a tiny boat without food or water.....who survives?
.....America.
.....America.
I went fishing the other day and ran out of bait, so I used clickbait instead.
You won't believe what happened next.
You won't believe what happened next.
What's the definition of relative humidity?
It's what happens when you're banging your sister and your balls sweat.
What's flat, pink, and smells like p#$$y?
(Sticks out tongue)
It's what happens when you're banging your sister and your balls sweat.
What's flat, pink, and smells like p#$$y?
(Sticks out tongue)
A guy and his friend are sitting on the porch when they notice a dog licking his own balls.
The one guy says, "Boy, I wish I could do that!"
His friend replies, "That dog would bite you."
SIAP
The one guy says, "Boy, I wish I could do that!"
His friend replies, "That dog would bite you."
SIAP
What’s the difference between a gay dude and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out of it.
<~~~~~~< sees himself out.
The refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out of it.
<~~~~~~< sees himself out.
Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
"Not yet," said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
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I have been posting some Emo Philips and Steven Wright stuff. Not all. My favorite Emo joke:
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
- A Muslim told me that they don't eat pork. I said, "pork every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Muslim ..."
A UK fan was walking on the beach when he spotted a Geanie’s bottle. He reached down to pick it up, but a UL fan snuck by him and grabbed it at the same time. When they rubbed the bottle, a Geanie appeared and said, “Since you both grabbed the bottle at the same time, I’ll grant each of you one wish.” The UL fan blurted out, “I hate UK fans coming into my beloved Louisville and stinking up the place. Put a giant wall around my city so that nobody can enter or leave”. The geanie said, “Your wish is granted” and turned to the UK fan and asked, “What is your wish?” UK fan smiled and said, “Fill it with ****”.
There was a wreck on i65 in Louisville. A blonde was thrown from her car and all her clothes were torn from her body.
A UK fan passing by covers her right boob with his hat.
A 2nd UK fan covered her left boob with his hat.
A ul fan covered her ****** with his hat.
2 emts arrive. First one lifts the UK hat off her right boob and smiles.
Then lifts the UK hat off her left boob and smiles.
He lifts the ul cap off her *** and frowns.
The other emt asks why the frown? He says there’s usually a prick under one of those.
A UK fan passing by covers her right boob with his hat.
A 2nd UK fan covered her left boob with his hat.
A ul fan covered her ****** with his hat.
2 emts arrive. First one lifts the UK hat off her right boob and smiles.
Then lifts the UK hat off her left boob and smiles.
He lifts the ul cap off her *** and frowns.
The other emt asks why the frown? He says there’s usually a prick under one of those.
There was a ship out in the ocean, and the guy up in the crow's nest says, "Enemy ship ahead!" The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt." And the servant says, "Uh, okay." So he gets the captains red shirt, and the captain puts it on. And as the battle proceeded, they didn't loose one sailor. At the end of the battle, the servant comes up and says, "Before the battle, you said to bring you your red shirt. Wh- Why your RED shirt?" And the captain says, "Because, if I happen to be shot, and started bleeding, the sailors wouldn't see the blood and would continue to fight on!" The sailor said, "Oh! That's brilliant, right there!" The next morning, the guy in the crow's nest yells, "20 enemy ships ahead!" The captain then said, "Bring me my brown pants!"
Driving through west Tennessee one day a fellow saw a sign that said “talking dog for sale”. In a hurry he couldn’t stop but on his way back from his destination he was early than expected and decided he might as well see what the deal was.
Pulling up to the trailer, a man walked out. “See you gotta talking dog for sale” he says to the fellow. “Yep, he’s around back on the patio. Go on back there and you can’t miss him”
Guy walks around back and sees an old mutt sitting at a patio table smoking a cigarette. Impressed already he spoke to the dog and asks whether he is the talking dog for sale. The dog replies, “yep, that’s me.”
The guy nearly ***** himself. This is for real. The dog talks. “What in this world man? How in the world did you learn to talk?” The dog explains to him that as a puppy his cries were different and sounded like words and this little boy on the farm where he was born took extra time with him and slowly taught him words then sentences then how to read etc. The man was amazed.
Yep, says the dog. Everyone was so impressed I won the county fair pet show and was eventually gifted to the governor of Tennessee. “Wow” says the man, “that’s really something!”
The dog replies...”that ain’t half of it...I was eventually given as a gift to the president of the United States. I’d sit in the Oval Office and entertain the cabinet, foreign dignitaries, etc. met some unbelievably famous people.”
“Holy ****” says the man. “That’s incredible”. Yeah says the dog but that isn’t the exciting part. “Really?” Asks the man.
The dog goes on to explain that the cia figured out that he would make the ultimate spy so they had the president gift him to the premier of the Soviet Union. From that point the dog played mute and listened to conversations everyday after having learned Russian. After everyone went to bed he would go to his secret dog house and make calls back to The United States and inform the foreign intelligence service of what the soviets were doing. In fact, the dog continued, he was instrumental in the fall of the Berlin Wall and the collapse of a he Soviet Union and communism largely.
The man sat there stunned. After gathering himself he went to the front of the house and spoke to the dogs owner. “Sir, you don’t have a talking dog there, you have a national treasure. How much do you want for him?”
The man replied, “twenty bucks will do it.”
“Twenty bucks? Seriously? I’ll take him right now. But I have a one question...why only twenty bucks?”
Pulling up to the trailer, a man walked out. “See you gotta talking dog for sale” he says to the fellow. “Yep, he’s around back on the patio. Go on back there and you can’t miss him”
Guy walks around back and sees an old mutt sitting at a patio table smoking a cigarette. Impressed already he spoke to the dog and asks whether he is the talking dog for sale. The dog replies, “yep, that’s me.”
The guy nearly ***** himself. This is for real. The dog talks. “What in this world man? How in the world did you learn to talk?” The dog explains to him that as a puppy his cries were different and sounded like words and this little boy on the farm where he was born took extra time with him and slowly taught him words then sentences then how to read etc. The man was amazed.
Yep, says the dog. Everyone was so impressed I won the county fair pet show and was eventually gifted to the governor of Tennessee. “Wow” says the man, “that’s really something!”
The dog replies...”that ain’t half of it...I was eventually given as a gift to the president of the United States. I’d sit in the Oval Office and entertain the cabinet, foreign dignitaries, etc. met some unbelievably famous people.”
“Holy ****” says the man. “That’s incredible”. Yeah says the dog but that isn’t the exciting part. “Really?” Asks the man.
The dog goes on to explain that the cia figured out that he would make the ultimate spy so they had the president gift him to the premier of the Soviet Union. From that point the dog played mute and listened to conversations everyday after having learned Russian. After everyone went to bed he would go to his secret dog house and make calls back to The United States and inform the foreign intelligence service of what the soviets were doing. In fact, the dog continued, he was instrumental in the fall of the Berlin Wall and the collapse of a he Soviet Union and communism largely.
The man sat there stunned. After gathering himself he went to the front of the house and spoke to the dogs owner. “Sir, you don’t have a talking dog there, you have a national treasure. How much do you want for him?”
The man replied, “twenty bucks will do it.”
“Twenty bucks? Seriously? I’ll take him right now. But I have a one question...why only twenty bucks?”
Did you hear about the polish admiral who wanted to be buried at sea? 6 sailors drowned digging his grave.
A Kentucky Colonel woke up with a hangover. Called room service at his hotel.
“I need a fifth of bourbon, a steak, and a stray dog sent to my room “
The response “I have plenty of bourbon and steak, but why a stray dog?”
The KC: “To eat the steak, suh !”