OT: Snappy comebacks to stupid things you’ve said

[LionJim]

I discover that a friend is keeping a rat in her dorm room.
- Is that rat tame?
- If it wasn’t tame, I wouldn’t be keeping it in my dorm room.

On a first date:
She: I spent a couple of years working for the NFL.
Me: Oh, the National Federation of Labor?
She: No, the National Football League.

 

[psuro]

This entire board whenever I post.

 

[Woodpecker]

I loved those books when I was a kid

 

[CVLion]

I loved those books when I was a kid

I believe I had a copy of that!

 

[LionJim]

I believe I had a copy of that!

Yeah, that was brilliant.

 

[Psumatt85]

I discover than a friend is keeping a rat in her dorm room.
- Is that rat tame?
- If it wasn’t tame, I wouldn’t be keeping it in my dorm room.

On a first date:
She: I spent a couple of years working for the NFL.
Me: Oh, the National Federation of Labor?
She: No, the National Football League.

“The jerk store called, and they are running out of you!”

 

[C7Lion]

You are talking too loud, I can't hear you!

 

[PSU87]

At an air show one time....attractive female MP walking inside the roped off perimeter of the F117 Stealth...carrying an M16

Me (falling in step beside her): So if I jumped over this rope, would you shoot me or just wrestle me to the ground?
MP (without breaking stride or looking at me): Sir, I'd be obliged to shoot you.

 

[Bkmtnittany1]

Taking a stringer of fish off my boat… neighbor asks me if I caught them….” Nope, I talked them into giving themselves up!

 

[Connorpozlee]

My wife after me telling her I didn’t hear what she was talking about while I was intently following the O’Brien drama on my phone around New Years the year he left:
“If one of your little boyfriends on that Penn State website said it you would have known what they were talking about.”

 

[CvilleElksCoach]

When I was in school at PSU, we were sitting around the training room at the old Nittany Team Room for football, now used by other sports and Lasch used for football. The head of sport medicine said, "I was reading an article the other day and it said men think of sex X% of the day (I can't remember the percentage he said)." One of the other trainers said, "I wonder what women think about." Head trainers response, "how to get out of it."

 

[Dalions81]

When I'm insulted by someone I respond, "I have been called worse by better.

 

[TheBigUglies]

Catholic High School in the 80s.

waiting for religion class to begin, January-ish, all windows in class room open because priest that teaches is a fitness nut and just came from the gym and the boiler in the school is cranked way too high.

Classmate: "It's cold as a nun's *** in here!!"

Priest: "You don't know some of the nuns I know."

Classmate didn't realize priest walked in and was standing near him.

 

[Shadow99]

“The jerk store called, and they are running out of you!”

"Well that's ok, because YOU are their all-time best seller!"

 

[BrucePa]

Person walks into the restaurant and goes to a table with the Marx Brothers sitting at it. "May I join you?" he asks.

Groucho: "Why, are we falling apart?'

 

[PSU Mike]

Still waiting to find out what happens when I say something stupid …

With that said, I do like when a restaurant hostess says sit wherever you’d like. I enjoy walking over to a table occupied by people that look “fun” and explaining that they need to move because of what the hostess said. Haven’t had a bad reaction yet.

 

[Got GSPs]

When at a family dinner at future in laws after engagement to my now wife… her dad asks whether my wife, who had moved out over a decade before, was going get her stuff from the attic, including childhood stuffed animal collection. I speak up to say that she will have to get rid of them because her stuffed animals weren’t coming to my house. My wife quickly responds that the same applies to my own stuffed (taxidermies) animals. There wasn’t much I could say… she got me good!

 

[BobPSU92]

Taking a stringer of fish off my boat… neighbor asks me if I caught them….” Nope, I talked them into giving themselves up!

“You guys playing cards?”

 

[BobPSU92]

Still waiting to find out what happens when I say something stupid …

With that said, I do like when a restaurant hostess says sit wherever you’d like. I enjoy walking over to a table occupied by people that look “fun” and explaining that they need to move because of what the hostess said. Haven’t had a bad reaction yet.

Waitress: My name is Sheila if you need anything.

Me: What is your name if I don’t need anything?

 

[BrucePa]

Do you eat chicken with your fingers?

No, I eat my fingers separately.

 

[Bkmtnittany1]

When I'm insulted by someone I respond, "I have been called worse by better.

I am taking that one!!!

 

[Bkmtnittany1]

“You guys playing cards?”

"Oh, I get it. You're friends with the urinator!"

 

[Leo Ridens]

In Catholic high school many years ago, a nun sees me writing and walks up to me and asks, "Mr. Ridens, are all left-handed people intelligent?", to which I replied, "Sister, it is more logically correct to state that all intelligent people are left-handed." Since she was right-handed and it was not a logic class but an English class, my English grade instantly dropped by several points, but it was worth it.

 

[PSU12046]

"Oh, I get it. You're friends with the urinator!"

Your friends were the guys standing by me at the troughs at the Skellar

 

[TheBigUglies]

I just saw this on another social media site and thought it would be appropriate here.

"Frank Zappa was being interviewed by a redneck radio host who had a wooden leg. The host asked Frank, "So you have long hair, does that make you a woman?" Frank said: "I don't know. You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?"

I like Frank and he seemed to always have quick comebacks like that. Then again, I didn't fact check this but thought it was funny.

 

[EricStratton-RushChairman]

Still the greatest comeback/insult of all time...

 

[LionJim]

I just saw this on another social media site and thought it would be appropriate here.

"Frank Zappa was being interviewed by a redneck radio host who had a wooden leg. The host asked Frank, "So you have long hair, does that make you a woman?" Frank said: "I don't know. You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?"

I like Frank and he seemed to always have quick comebacks like that. Then again, I didn't fact check this but thought it was funny.

Same thing with this Groucho quote, apparently apocryphal: Supposedly from “You Bet Your Life.”
Groucho, holding a cigar, of course: You’ve given birth to eighteen children? How do you explain that?
- Oh, I love my husband!
- I love my cigars too, but I take them out once in awhile.

 

[CDLionFL]

Years ago at a car dealership as I was waiting for my ride to pick me up to take me to the golf course after I had dropped off my car:

Sales associate -- Playing golf today?
Me -- No, hunting. All of these clubs are each for different animals.

At a Publix right around Father's Day:

Cashier (after scanning Father's Day card) -- Ohhhh, cards are 2 for 1!
Me -- I only have one father.

Anytime I'm wearing team colors:

Random -- So you're a (insert team's name here) fan...
Me -- Nope, just like the colors.

Another grocery store encounter...me wearing a Penguins shirt:

Woman -- Oh, are you a hockey player?
Me -- I can't skate.

 

[Bessmoney]

Checking out at Home Depot with a new gas powered string trimmer the cashier said have a good time whacking. I paused, looked her dead in the eye and said I always do!! Instant deep red face.

 

[PSU73]

I loved those books when I was a kid

Hmmm. Wonder if they have these at my local library?

 

[psuro]

Years ago at a car dealership as I was waiting for my ride to pick me up to take me to the golf course after I had dropped off my car:

Sales associate -- Playing golf today?
Me -- No, hunting. All of these clubs are each for different animals.

At a Publix right around Father's Day:

Cashier (after scanning Father's Day card) -- Ohhhh, cards are 2 for 1!
Me -- I only have one father.

Anytime I'm wearing team colors:

Random -- So you're a (insert team's name here) fan...
Me -- Nope, just like the colors.

Another grocery store encounter...me wearing a Penguins shirt:

Woman -- Oh, are you a hockey player?
Me -- I can't skate.

My response - because I am much more of a smart a$$ than you are probably...

Anytime I'm wearing team colors:

Random -- So you're a (insert team's name here) fan...
Me -- Nope, but they were giving them away at Goodwill so I snagged one for myself.


Another grocery store encounter...me wearing a Penguins shirt:

Woman -- Oh, are you a hockey player?
Me -- No, I am a penguin. I just like to brag I can skate.

 

[s1uggo72]

I my Dad's HS year book his quote was (and didnt we love our parents HS yearbooks)

Teacher to Dad: You were suppose to be here an hour ago...
my Dad: Why, what happened??

 

[Nits74]

Still the greatest comeback/insult of all time...

Reminded me of another one from the movie.

 

[LionJim]

I know I’m going to hell for this. My dad was a very conservative, very Catholic man, and one day he decided to have a conversation with me, just about to go to college.

-Son, we should have a talk about women.
-Alrighty, what would you like to know?

What an AH I was.

 

[Mcidas]

Emergency room experience with kiddo who was about 3 at the time.

Kiddo wakes up in the middle of the night -- around 2am -- screaming of an ear ache. Infection the curse of young boys.
Wife and I packed him up and head off to local ER -- about 10 minutes away.
Filled out all the paperwork including what his symptoms were.
Finally get taken back to examination area -- after waiting about 45 minutes.
Doc finally arrives at 3am and asks "So, what brings you in?" He's holding the intake sheet!
Me being cranky from waiting and sleep deprived answered......
Well we had nothing better to do at 3am, so we thought we'd come in and see you!

 

[psuro]

I know I’m going to hell for this. My dad was a very conservative, very Catholic man, and one day he decided to have a conversation with me, just about to go to college.

-Son, we should have a talk about women.
-Alrighty, what would you like to know?

What an AH I was.

Well, don't keep us in suspense....what did you tell him?

 

[EricStratton-RushChairman]

Reminded me of another one from the movie.

The writing in that movie was so next level

 

[CDLionFL]

I my Dad's HS year book his quote was (and didnt we love our parents HS yearbooks)

Teacher to Dad: You were suppose to be here an hour ago...
my Dad: Why, what happened??

There's a golf course in the Harrisburg area that used to have a sign after the 9th hole that said 'Be here in 2 hours'. I once went into the grill for a quick bite after 9 and asked the guy in the pro shop, 'What's going to happen in 2 hours?'. He looked at me like I had six heads. Hey, inquiring minds want to know! Are aliens landing? Will a tree fall down? Is TMI gonna self-destruct?

 

[CvilleElksCoach]

My wife was pregnant with our son and very close to her due date. She was uncomfortable in bed so I had started sleeping in the rest room for a few nights as to give her as much room as she wanted and to allow me some sleep. She goes into labor and wakes me up about 1am and tells me she is having contractions and we need to go to the hospital. My response, "so this is really going to happen huh?" That was 32 years ago. I still get reminded of it. LOL

 

[DELion]

Meeting an older woman hiker at a camp site in the middle of Maine's 100 mile Wilderness, I ask what's her trail name:

her: "PBR"
me: "Oh, Pabst Blue Ribbon!"
her: "No - Professional Bull Rider - I'm a fan!"