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Time to chuckle in these tough times, post your joke here...

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Vonburns1

All-Conference
Jan 1, 2007
2,656
3,238
0
I was walking down the street in Chicago recently at the lunch hour and the sidewalks were crowded. I was a few steps behind a blind guy who had a seeing eye dog. As we approached the intersection, I could see the dog was leading him into the street when the light was green. I rushed up and tackled the guy, then as he got up, explained what happened. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and was offering it to the dog. I said "this dog almost got you killed, why are you offering him a doggie treat." He said "I'm trying to find his head, so I can kick him in the ***."

And your joke is...
 
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B

Bill - Shy Cat

Heisman
Mar 29, 2002
11,454
13,597
0
UK fan was walking on the beach and spotted a genie’s lamp in the sand. When she picked it up, a Louisville fan grabbed it and tried to take it from her. As they wrestled for control of the lamp, the genie appeared. The genie said, “I’ll grant each of you one wish.” The UL man said, “I hate all UK sons a bitches. I’m tired of them coming to Louisville. Please make a Great Wall around my city so large that no one can enter or leave”. The genie said, “your wish is granted. Now what is your wish, young lady?” The UK fan giggled and laughed, “Fill it with water!”
 
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Gassy_Knowls

Hall of Famer
Mar 24, 2019
19,034
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He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.


Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.


Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.


"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.


The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
 
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The-Hack

Heisman
Oct 1, 2016
24,463
42,984
0
A Card fan walks into a bar, and from just beneath the bill of his cap, the bartender sees a frog half-grown out of the side of the guy’s head.

The bartender says, “buddy, that’s the ugliest growth I’ve ever seen.”

The frog says “would you believe it started with a small wart on my ***?”
 
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A

Anon1711055878

All-Conference
Jul 20, 2007
5,692
4,805
60
Albert Fish was born May 19th in New York City in 1870. He was known as 'The Gray Man' and 'The Werewolf of Wisteria'. He was a serial killer who slayed children and ate them. When police asked a woman to describe him she said he was "gray in both appearance and demeanour". The child rapist and cannibal Fish boasted that he had children in every state. He only chose victims who were either mentally handicapped or African American. Fish tortured, mutilated and murdered the youngsters with a meat cleaver, a butcher's knife and a small handsaw, solidifying his reputation as the most vicious child slayer in criminal history. Though barely literate, Fish wrote taunting letters to the parents of his victims gruesomely detailing how he slayed, butchered, cooked and then with great enjoyment dined on their offspring. He would inevitably declare that a child's roasted rump was the most toothsome dish in all gastronomy. Additionally, Fish was a masochist and would insert wool doused with lighter fluid into his own anus and set it alight for his own enjoyment. Fish was finally arrested and he immediately began confessing to killing 700 children. He was dizzyingly happy, smiling as he described the grisly details of the tortures and the murders appearing to the detectives 'as the devil himself'


... I mean this guy was a real jerk!
 
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funKYcat75

funKYcat75

Heisman
Apr 10, 2008
32,293
40,727
112
Don't you hate it when you're reading a sentence and it doesn't end how you testicles.

Why did the waiter put rubber bands in the soup?
Because he wasn't a very good waiter.

What has 9 legs, 4 feet and is orange?
Nothing

Why did the little girl's ice cream melt?
Because she was on fire.

Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.

If Dave has 50 chocolate bars and eats 45, what does he have left?
Diabetes

what do you call a talking turtle?
Fictional
 
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V

Vonburns1

All-Conference
Jan 1, 2007
2,656
3,238
0
I was in J C Penny's men's department yesterday and in walks a blind man led by a seeing eye dog(no, a different guy and dog) and while I'm watching he suddenly reaches down and grabs the seeing eye dog by the tail and starts twirling him around. Being a dog lover, I rush up to the guy and say, "Sir, what are you doing with that dog." He says, "I'm just looking around."
 
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V

Vonburns1

All-Conference
Jan 1, 2007
2,656
3,238
0
funKYcat75 said:
Don't you hate it when you're reading a sentence and it doesn't end how you testicles.

Why did the waiter put rubber bands in the soup?
Because he wasn't a very good waiter.

What has 9 legs, 4 feet and is orange?
Nothing

Why did the little girl's ice cream melt?
Because she was on fire.

Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.

If Dave has 50 chocolate bars and eats 45, what does he have left?
Diabetes

what do you call a talking turtle?
Fictional
Click to expand...

I'm no fortune teller, but I can tell you're not a comedian.
 
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Gassy_Knowls

Hall of Famer
Mar 24, 2019
19,034
102,980
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funKYcat75 said:
I’m no government worker, but I can tell you have a WIC card.
Click to expand...

a WIC card walks into a bar and orders a drink. “bartender get me a beer”. Bartender looks at the WIC card and goes about his business. WIC card speaks up “bartender, I said I want a beer”. Bartender looks up and says “We only serve MasterCard and Visas here”
 
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T

The-Hack

Heisman
Oct 1, 2016
24,463
42,984
0
Mossip said:
Albert Fish was born May 19th in New York City in 1870. He was known as 'The Gray Man' and 'The Werewolf of Wisteria'. He was a serial killer who slayed children and ate them. When police asked a woman to describe him she said he was "gray in both appearance and demeanour". The child rapist and cannibal Fish boasted that he had children in every state. He only chose victims who were either mentally handicapped or African American. Fish tortured, mutilated and murdered the youngsters with a meat cleaver, a butcher's knife and a small handsaw, solidifying his reputation as the most vicious child slayer in criminal history. Though barely literate, Fish wrote taunting letters to the parents of his victims gruesomely detailing how he slayed, butchered, cooked and then with great enjoyment dined on their offspring. He would inevitably declare that a child's roasted rump was the most toothsome dish in all gastronomy. Additionally, Fish was a masochist and would insert wool doused with lighter fluid into his own anus and set it alight for his own enjoyment. Fish was finally arrested and he immediately began confessing to killing 700 children. He was dizzyingly happy, smiling as he described the grisly details of the tortures and the murders appearing to the detectives 'as the devil himself'


... I mean this guy was a real jerk!
Click to expand...

And the police said, “you’d better knock this **** off, buddy.”
 
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T

The-Hack

Heisman
Oct 1, 2016
24,463
42,984
0
A cool guy and his dumb *** friend are at a bar and a pretty blonde girl walks by. Mr. Cool says under his breath, “tickle your *** with a feather,” and the blonde wheels around and says, “what did you just say?”

Mr. Cool smiles and responds, “I said, ‘typical nice weather!” And buys the blonde a drink, and gets her number.

His DA friend is blown away by the subliminal talents of his cool friend, so the next hot blonde that walks by, he says, “I’d like to run a feather straight up the crack of your ***!”

The blonde ***** slaps him, and he looks at her and says, “pretty warm, today, ain’t it?”
 
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I

It'saDoneDeal

All-Conference
Jul 24, 2007
19,235
4,381
113
Mossip said:
Albert Fish was born May 19th in New York City in 1870. He was known as 'The Gray Man' and 'The Werewolf of Wisteria'. He was a serial killer who slayed children and ate them. When police asked a woman to describe him she said he was "gray in both appearance and demeanour". The child rapist and cannibal Fish boasted that he had children in every state. He only chose victims who were either mentally handicapped or African American. Fish tortured, mutilated and murdered the youngsters with a meat cleaver, a butcher's knife and a small handsaw, solidifying his reputation as the most vicious child slayer in criminal history. Though barely literate, Fish wrote taunting letters to the parents of his victims gruesomely detailing how he slayed, butchered, cooked and then with great enjoyment dined on their offspring. He would inevitably declare that a child's roasted rump was the most toothsome dish in all gastronomy. Additionally, Fish was a masochist and would insert wool doused with lighter fluid into his own anus and set it alight for his own enjoyment. Fish was finally arrested and he immediately began confessing to killing 700 children. He was dizzyingly happy, smiling as he described the grisly details of the tortures and the murders appearing to the detectives 'as the devil himself'


... I mean this guy was a real jerk!
Click to expand...

I lose it like a madman at the "toothsome" part. What a great word choice. [roll]
 
V

Vonburns1

All-Conference
Jan 1, 2007
2,656
3,238
0
90% of women love this, men hardly smile...so tell it to your woman.

Do you know what's in a honeymoon salad"

No, what?

A honeymoon salad is, lettuce alone!
 
WildcatFan1982

WildcatFan1982

Heisman
Dec 4, 2011
21,206
17,494
81
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.


The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."

The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…

"SUPPLIES!"
 
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B

Backer cutter

Heisman
Jul 8, 2019
7,707
20,355
0
A federal government agent gets assigned a position in remote Alaska. After working for a month, he finally finds a bar in a small town. He asked the bartender where he might find a prostitute. He says all we have is old Wong the chinaman. Agent says I don’t go for that ****. He goes through the same scenario 2 and 4 weeks later. Finally, after 2 months, he asked the bartender, just in case I did go for that ****, how much? Bartender says 100 bucks. That’s awful high for an old chinaman, says the agent. Bartender says, well, old Wong gets 20 bucks, and my bouncers get 40 apiece to hold him, old Wong don’t go for that **** either.
 
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V

Vonburns1

All-Conference
Jan 1, 2007
2,656
3,238
0
funKYcat75 said:
That is possibly the worst joke I’ve ever heard. Good heavens it was awful.
Click to expand...

Judge its worth for yourself by telling it to women. I was in a large doctor's clinic and there were 6 women registering patients, so I asked mine the question. When she said, "no, what" and I gave her the punch line, all 6 laughed hard and they were stretched out up to 30 feet from me and I only thought mine was listening.

I warned you men didn't care for it.
 
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funKYcat75

funKYcat75

Heisman
Apr 10, 2008
32,293
40,727
112
Vonburns1 said:
Judge its worth for yourself by telling it to women. I was in a large doctor's clinic and there were 6 women registering patients, so I asked mine the question. When she said, "no, what" and I gave her the punch line, all 6 laughed hard and they were stretched out up to 30 feet from me and I only thought mine was listening.

I warned you men didn't care for it.
Click to expand...
Do you think it’s funny?
 
funKYcat75

funKYcat75

Heisman
Apr 10, 2008
32,293
40,727
112
My son has an A in math, but I don’t think those teachers are teaching him anything. I texted him “What is 12 x 10?”
He answered “5!”
Dumb kid.
 
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