When it comes to The Bachelor I’m here for three things. The cat fighting, the tears, and the delusion. While you can argue that those three things are one in the same, you probably shouldn’t. If you are here for an in depth review of what girl he should pick, go somewhere else. You won’t enjoy this. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The future happiness or despair of the contestants on this show is of no concern to me. He will pick someone, they will be apart “trying to make it work” while the show airs. They will appear happy at the reunion show, then you’ll see something like this or this a week or a month later. The format of this column, as always, will be a running diary of my thoughts throughout the show. There a lot of places to go for Bachelor commentary so let me thank you for choosing a sports website. Let’s get involved, what do you say?
If you missed last week's preview and episode 1 running diary, they can be found
here and
here.
I apologize that this is two days late.
I do not apologize that this is on a sports website.
- The episode picks up where last week left off, with Kimberly coming back into the house to talk to Chris. I want to point out that when they walked outside it was daylight, meaning the first night lasted literally all night. No wonder these girls are going crazy. You should see me on champagne and no sleep.
- Chris lets Kimberly stay. I mean, is nothing sacred? This is the Bachelor. THERE MUST BE RULES. How do you all expect me to respect our nations laws if we can't even have rules on the Bachelor?
I'm gonna park in the middle of the street tomorrow and then punch a stranger in the face.
- Chris does not dress like a farmer. He has low top Chuck Taylors on with no laces.
-Obligatory outdoor shower scene. I powered through where most of you ladies probably hit pause. I'll wait...
-Okay, we ready to get back to it?
- Chris is apparently out of t-shirts. He's going with the zip up hoodie with no undershirt.
- My favorite part of watching the show on delay is fast forwarding through commercials.
- Tara seems a little more sure footed on this group date than the last time we saw her.
-Kimberly doesn't waste any time showing us why Chris let her stay. That yellow bikini pretty much tells the story.
-Why are they having to blur out the front and back of Jillian's bathing suit bottom. Are there holes in it? Are they crotchless?
- Drew and I went to LA in April. If girls walking around in bikinis is going to become a thing we need to go back soon. See you all for lunch at In-N-Out.
- That tractor race was an embarrassment to racing. And it's tough to embarrass racing
anymore than it embarrasses itself.
- Julia's story is really sad. I don't really know what else to say about it so I'm going to not say anything else.
-Chris asks Mackenzie to go on a one on one date for the rest of the night and sends the rest of the group date girls back to the house. The rest of the group date girls take that news exactly how you'd think the rest of the group date girls would take that news. Not well. They handled it about like the people in
this video...
My favorite part is the guy on the microphone who keeps saying "Oookayyy, time to go. Time to go."
-Mackenzie started the date by talking about how she likes big noses and if Chris believes in aliens. What could go wrong?
-WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!!
- Mackenzie tells Chris she has a kid. Chris says he's 33 and kids don't scare him. Probably because he's a lot bigger than kids, right? Or maybe it's because he needs more help on the farm.
-Megan from Nashville gets a one on one date card. Speaking of Nashville, the SEC tournament starts in Nashville in exactly two months. Write that down. Tell your friends. Ask your boss for days off.
- Megan and Chris get on a private plane and then transfer to a helicopter to go on their first date and fly over the Hoover Dam.
Because that's how all first dates usually progress.
-Megan says the word "amazing" and amazing amount of times. I can't really make fun of that because if he took me on that date I'd be all like "Amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing!!!"
-My goodness is this sad story season? Megan's Dad died of a heart attack right before she came on the show. This is too heavy. I need to see Ashley talk about onion pomegranates soon.
- Megan got a rose and made out with Chris in the Grand Canyon. After that date, I think
any of us would've made out with Chris in the Grand Canyon.
- The new group date girls just pulled up to an abandoned looking building and someone banged on their limo doors to scare them. If I paid attention to this show while I was writing this it probably would've scared me too.
-The absolute best part of the scaring scene was Ashley S. casually trying to open her door and get out as the other girls were flipping out. She couldn't have been less startled. If that was a gif I'd never ever stop watching it. I think she might be a little off. (Editor's note: Oh man just wait.)
-Ashley S didn't understand they weren't shooting each other. They explained it to her, but she didn't care or understand. She will shoot one of the other girls. I've never been more certain of anything in my life. Except the time I was spending the night at my friend's Blake house in 3rd grade and
I was certain I was going to pee in my pants standing in the middle of the basement floor. It was pitch dark and I couldn't find the stairs to go upstairs to the bathroom. So I peed in my pants standing in the middle of the basement floor. The next morning I was certain of something else. I was certain I wasn't going to tell them about it. So I didn't. And my friend Adam stepped in it. Sorry, Adam. That wasn't a spilled coke. That was pee. Pee from my body.
- While I was writing the pee story they shot bunch of zombies. Although the zombies appeared to be real people acting like zombies. Because zombies aren't real.
-Meanwhile, back at the house… Jordan, drunk for the fourth straight day, is in the bathroom twerking on the wall. Guys, the rule as always,
if your girl can't twerk on the wall don't marry her...
-Wait, so Jillian got blurred out in a bikini because of hair? BRB puking for one straight hour.
- Dude,
Ashley is out of bounds crazy. Not needy crazy or aggressive crazy. She's crazy like she should be confined to some sort of home in a straight jacket.
-"She's BONKERS" is the truest thing that has been said by a girl on the show this season.
-Is Ashley drunk? I cannot figure this out. She's not saying things that are even real things a person has ever said. She just asked Chris if he was afraid of jumping.
- I cannot stop laughing. There have been strange moments on this show before but this takes it all. I can't put this into words. She just walked up and interrupted his private interview with producers and
told him his leather jacket smelled good.
-This is not alcohol.
This girl is either on too much medication or not on enough medication. This interaction actually happened between Ashley and Chris:
Ashley: You don't want to lose the whole world. You want to gain the whole world. You don't want to lose your soul.
Chris: That's a fact.
What else was Chris supposed to say? I would've been like "You know what Ashley? I got the perfect guy for you. His name is Billy Clyde Gillispie. Would you like to meet him?"
-I can't say it better about Ashley than Kaitlyn does: "People watch the show and see crazy people here and think 'Is that staged? Is she an actress? Or is she putting on, is she really that crazy?' and I'm here to tell everybody that Ashley is a
full blown crazy girl on the Bachelor."
Then Ashley totally proved her wrong…..
OH WAIT NO SHE DIDN'T! SHE JUST STARTED CRAWLING ON THE GROUND TO TALK TO A KITTEN!
-Guys, we've been going about this "trying to get girls to kiss us" thing all wrong. Apparently all you have to do is hand them a card that says "Free kiss from (insert your name)" and they melt and start kissing you. BRB me and the guys are going to the stationary store.
-It's time for the cocktail party followed by the rose ceremony. A few girls already have roses, but you can't expect me to keep up with who that is while I'm trying to transcribe things like Ashley telling Chris his leather jacket smells good before crawling on the ground to speak with a feline.
-
WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!! "I have been thinking a lot about this, like who do I think is gonna go home? How many roses are gonna be handed out? And I worry that I'm off of his radar a little bit." Don't worry Whitney, you know whose radar you aren't off? Mine.
-The only thing I would question Whitney about is her red dress. We need to blue that wardrobe up a little. Or green. Or yellow. Really
anything besides red.
-Ashley I. being a virgin is not a red flag. Her being that hot and never having a boyfriend before IS a red flag.
- I think Chris has kissed almost every girl on the show. He's had more tongue than a Nike shoe factory.
-Jordan is hammered again. 5th day in a row. She's blowing their one on one time. Quick, Jordan,
show him the bathroom twerking thing.
ROSE CEREMONY
- Britt gets a rose. Britt is the one who hugged him for a really long time on the first night when she was the first one out of the limo. My friend Kristen said of Britt;
"She looked like she wanted to wear his skin."
-Ashley I. gets a rose as Tara, who seems a bit more sober this time around, says "I think he wants a natural beauty who doesn't cake on make up and wear fake eyelashes." Ashley I. cakes on makeup and wears fake eyelashes. Tara then adds, "but I could be wrong."
-Trina, who we have yet to hear speak, gets a rose.
-Kelsey gets a rose. Kelsey is very pretty. Nice neck, in my opinion.
-Samantha gets a rose. Tara is not happy about the way this is developing, but I think what she's really not happy about is her low intoxication level.
-Juelia gets a rose. But not before Jillian makes a complete fool out of herself. Just watch.
Most of you all are thinking "Oh man she can't come back from walking up when her name wasn't called." You're wrong. What she can't come back from is that cackle that she let out. That was disturbing. I'm going to have
night terrors about that laugh.
-Amber gets a rose. Tracy gets a rose.
-Jillian saves face and gets a rose. Did he not hear her laugh?
-Jade gets a rose. Nikki gets a rose. Becca gets a rose. I don't know anything about them.
-Carly the cruise ship singer gets a rose.
-
WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!!
- Final rose… Please be Ashley S.
-IT'S ASHLEY S. OH MY GOSH IT'S ASHLEY S.
Thank you so much Bachelor producers!
-The girls who didn't get a rose are way too emotional tonight for the second episode. These girls walk out saying things like "I wanted to start a family", "I just want to find someone," "I don't know anymore after this."
Serious question: Do these girls know they are allowed to date people off camera? I'm seriously not sure they do.
Until next week… I’m Flener, and this was my Bachelor Running Diary for Episode 2.
@AFlenerKSR
When it comes to The Bachelor I’m here for three things. The cat fighting, the tears, and the delusion. While you can argue that those three things are one in the same, you probably shouldn’t. If you are here for an in depth review of what girl he should pick, go somewhere else. You won’t enjoy this. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The future happiness or despair of the contestants on this show is of no concern to me. He will pick someone, they will be apart “trying to make it work” while the show airs. They will appear happy at the reunion show, then you’ll see something like this or this a week or a month later. The format of this column, as always, will be a running diary of my thoughts throughout the show. There a lot of places to go for Bachelor commentary so let me thank you for choosing a sports website. Let’s get involved, what do you say?
If you missed last week's preview and episode 1 running diary, they can be found here and here.
I apologize that this is two days late. I do not apologize that this is on a sports website.
- The episode picks up where last week left off, with Kimberly coming back into the house to talk to Chris. I want to point out that when they walked outside it was daylight, meaning the first night lasted literally all night. No wonder these girls are going crazy. You should see me on champagne and no sleep.
- Chris lets Kimberly stay. I mean, is nothing sacred? This is the Bachelor. THERE MUST BE RULES. How do you all expect me to respect our nations laws if we can't even have rules on the Bachelor? I'm gonna park in the middle of the street tomorrow and then punch a stranger in the face.
- Chris does not dress like a farmer. He has low top Chuck Taylors on with no laces.
-Obligatory outdoor shower scene. I powered through where most of you ladies probably hit pause. I'll wait...
-Okay, we ready to get back to it?
- Chris is apparently out of t-shirts. He's going with the zip up hoodie with no undershirt.
- My favorite part of watching the show on delay is fast forwarding through commercials.
- Tara seems a little more sure footed on this group date than the last time we saw her.
-Kimberly doesn't waste any time showing us why Chris let her stay. That yellow bikini pretty much tells the story.
-Why are they having to blur out the front and back of Jillian's bathing suit bottom. Are there holes in it? Are they crotchless?
- Drew and I went to LA in April. If girls walking around in bikinis is going to become a thing we need to go back soon. See you all for lunch at In-N-Out.
- That tractor race was an embarrassment to racing. And it's tough to embarrass racing anymore than it embarrasses itself.
- Julia's story is really sad. I don't really know what else to say about it so I'm going to not say anything else.
-Chris asks Mackenzie to go on a one on one date for the rest of the night and sends the rest of the group date girls back to the house. The rest of the group date girls take that news exactly how you'd think the rest of the group date girls would take that news. Not well. They handled it about like the people in this video...
My favorite part is the guy on the microphone who keeps saying "Oookayyy, time to go. Time to go."
-Mackenzie started the date by talking about how she likes big noses and if Chris believes in aliens. What could go wrong?
-WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!!
- Mackenzie tells Chris she has a kid. Chris says he's 33 and kids don't scare him. Probably because he's a lot bigger than kids, right? Or maybe it's because he needs more help on the farm.
-Megan from Nashville gets a one on one date card. Speaking of Nashville, the SEC tournament starts in Nashville in exactly two months. Write that down. Tell your friends. Ask your boss for days off.
- Megan and Chris get on a private plane and then transfer to a helicopter to go on their first date and fly over the Hoover Dam. Because that's how all first dates usually progress.
-Megan says the word "amazing" and amazing amount of times. I can't really make fun of that because if he took me on that date I'd be all like "Amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing!!!"
-My goodness is this sad story season? Megan's Dad died of a heart attack right before she came on the show. This is too heavy. I need to see Ashley talk about onion pomegranates soon.
- Megan got a rose and made out with Chris in the Grand Canyon. After that date, I think any of us would've made out with Chris in the Grand Canyon.
- The new group date girls just pulled up to an abandoned looking building and someone banged on their limo doors to scare them. If I paid attention to this show while I was writing this it probably would've scared me too.
-The absolute best part of the scaring scene was Ashley S. casually trying to open her door and get out as the other girls were flipping out. She couldn't have been less startled. If that was a gif I'd never ever stop watching it. I think she might be a little off. (Editor's note: Oh man just wait.)
-Ashley S didn't understand they weren't shooting each other. They explained it to her, but she didn't care or understand. She will shoot one of the other girls. I've never been more certain of anything in my life. Except the time I was spending the night at my friend's Blake house in 3rd grade and I was certain I was going to pee in my pants standing in the middle of the basement floor. It was pitch dark and I couldn't find the stairs to go upstairs to the bathroom. So I peed in my pants standing in the middle of the basement floor. The next morning I was certain of something else. I was certain I wasn't going to tell them about it. So I didn't. And my friend Adam stepped in it. Sorry, Adam. That wasn't a spilled coke. That was pee. Pee from my body.
- While I was writing the pee story they shot bunch of zombies. Although the zombies appeared to be real people acting like zombies. Because zombies aren't real.
-Meanwhile, back at the house… Jordan, drunk for the fourth straight day, is in the bathroom twerking on the wall. Guys, the rule as always, if your girl can't twerk on the wall don't marry her...
-Ashley I. being a virgin is not a red flag. Her being that hot and never having a boyfriend before IS a red flag.
- I think Chris has kissed almost every girl on the show. He's had more tongue than a Nike shoe factory.
-Jordan is hammered again. 5th day in a row. She's blowing their one on one time. Quick, Jordan, show him the bathroom twerking thing.
ROSE CEREMONY
- Britt gets a rose. Britt is the one who hugged him for a really long time on the first night when she was the first one out of the limo. My friend Kristen said of Britt; "She looked like she wanted to wear his skin."
-Ashley I. gets a rose as Tara, who seems a bit more sober this time around, says "I think he wants a natural beauty who doesn't cake on make up and wear fake eyelashes." Ashley I. cakes on makeup and wears fake eyelashes. Tara then adds, "but I could be wrong."
-Trina, who we have yet to hear speak, gets a rose.
-Kelsey gets a rose. Kelsey is very pretty. Nice neck, in my opinion.
-Samantha gets a rose. Tara is not happy about the way this is developing, but I think what she's really not happy about is her low intoxication level.
-Juelia gets a rose. But not before Jillian makes a complete fool out of herself. Just watch.
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