When it comes to The Bachelor I’m here for three things. The cat fighting, the tears, and the delusion. While you can argue that those three things are one in the same, you probably shouldn’t. If you are here for an in depth review of what girl he should pick, go somewhere else. You won’t enjoy this. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The future happiness or despair of the contestants on this show is of no concern to me. He will pick someone, they will be apart “trying to make it work” while the show airs. They will appear happy at the reunion show, then you’ll see something like this or this a week or a month later. The format of this column, as always, will be a running diary of my thoughts throughout the show. There a lot of places to go for Bachelor commentary so let me thank you for choosing a sports website. Let’s get involved, what do you say?
Preview,
Episode 1,
Episode 2,
Episode 3
I missed the first 15 minutes of the show because something went wrong with my DVR.
One could also argue that something went right with my DVR.
I also watched Gone Girl right before this so my crazy girl awareness is on 100 right now. If you've never seen Gone Girl and you want to be able to trust women besides your Mother for the rest of your life DO NOT watch Gone Girl.
Since I missed the first 15 minutes, I asked you guys to help me fill in the blanks. You did not disappoint.
I guess not everything can be perfect about her.
8:15- The first thing I see is Kelsey complaining about being at a lake that is not as nice as the lakes in Michigan. Then God stung her with a bee in the sweet meat for her bad attitude. What is the sweet meat, you ask? The sweet meat is the inner thigh area between your knee and your groin. Quite possibly the most disgusting part of a male body, not so bad on the females.
8:18- "I'm a camping virgin and virgin camping" says Ashley I., a virgin. I would have said "I am NOT camping." Because man
do I love not camping.
8:25- Ashley I. just called Kelsey fake. Reader (and friend) Josh had this to say...
*Insert fire emoji, cause she just got burned!
8:29- Ashley S. is back at it. She is singing songs that do not contain real words. Speaking of being back at it, Mackenzie is talking about aliens. Again.
8:34- Ashley S. then gets some time alone with Chris. If my DVR would have worked I would go back and get this word for word but the best I can do because Ashley S. does not speak actual english phrases normal people are familiar with is this : "What are you? What are you? I mean I know you're a scorpio…" and then later she closes with this: "I love everything about you, and I hope that resonates within yourself tonight." Who talks like this? If someone told me they hoped something resonated within myself tonight I would hope they were talking about tacos.
8:36- Kaitlyn got the group date rose. She had this to say "I'm so happy about this. And I'm drunk." You know what, I appreciate the truth.
8:40- Ashley I. went to Chris' tent and woke him up out of a dead sleep to tell Chris she was a virgin and then she did everything except tell Chris she was a virgin. They were really close talking too. Michael Kinney makes a great point...
8:45- Jade gets picked for the princess ball date and Ashley I. is salty because Jade is getting pampered by a crazy looking person with pink hair. Ashley I.'s thirstiness is unquenchable. I could have given her all the Citrus Cooler Gatorade I saw at the gas station yesterday and the girl would still be thirsty. And really the only reason I mentioned her thirstiness was so I could talk about Citrus Cooler Gatorade.
WHY CAN I NEVER FIND IT?!?! I see Citrus Cooler Gatorade once a presidential term. It is the best flavor and it's not even close. Does Gatorade hate money? Does Gatorade hate me? Is Gatorade just trolling us? I almost bought all of it. If I had 3 wishes one would be for a lifetime supply of Citrus Cooler Gatorade. The other two wishes would be a billion dollars and for someone to tell me what the hell is wrong with Ashley S.
8:59- Ashley I. put on one of the extra dresses for the Cinderella date that she wasn't invited to go on. That'd be like if I would've shown up to the game in South Carolina on Saturday in a Kentucky uniform and tried to start on the blue platoon.
9:05- They are pimping the Cinderella movie on the show tonight. First the dresses and now a commercial at the hour break. I know I'm not the demographic they are aiming for and I know that because under no circumstance am I going to see it. If you gave me a choice between locking me in a room with both Ashleys on this show or going to see Cinderella then lock the door pal.
9:09- Six girls got wedding dresses for a group date. Wedding dress girl from last season would've been all like
"Nah it's cool I brought my own."
9:12- The girls get in a plane and fly to San Francisco in the wedding dresses. They all think they are going to do a fake wedding with Chris. They are not doing that at all. They are going to run a tough mudder course in a wedding dress. I'll leave this quote from Becca here with no further explanation: "I gave up after the big balls."
9:15-9:25 - Jillian wins the one on one date in the tough mudder challenge. Then she proceeded to talk about fitness and the gym for 30 minutes before she busted out the "Would You Rather" game. She asks Chris if he would rather have sex with a homeless person or abstain from sex for 5 years. Chris does not answer and then does not give Jillian a rose. I've played WYR. WYR is a fun game amongst close friends in the privacy of a car or a home. But "Would You Rather" is like middle school girls basketball.
It's fun for the participants but it's not meant to be watched.
9:34- Ashley I. is going to try this "tell him I'm a virgin" thing again. She gets it out this time. Chris didn't care. She thought Chris cared. So she cried. Ashley I. completely lost control tonight. She's like Jessie Spano in the episode of Saved By the Bell
where she took caffeine pills to stay up and study.
9:39- We find out Becca is also a virgin. The only difference is Becca is chill about it and not crying and hasn't tried and failed two times to tell Chris this fact about herself. She is the anti-Ashley I. I think she even has real eyelashes and doesn't pretend to be on dates she didn't get invited to go on.
9:47- After Chris gets questioned by Britt about the way he is distributing roses, he walks into the room full of girls to assure them his has the right intentions and that if any of them didn't believe it that they could go home. Mackenzie says "I don't know whats going on. I'm super confused."
Considering she has talked about aliens more than once this season, I feel like that is something she could say almost all the time about every situation.
ROSE CEREMONY
-WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!!
-Carly and Megan get roses, which makes sense. They've spoken on camera this season.
-Samantha gets a rose, which does not make sense. She has not spoken on camera this season. I'm not kidding. I have not seen one clip of her talking to Chris or in an interview with producers.
-Mackenzie gets a rose. I think she understood this part, but I can't be sure.
-Kelsey gets a rose. Kelsey also stars in the "next week on the Bachelor" as the girl who all the other girls have started to hate. Always one of my favorite people every season. She is then seen throwing a fit and laying on the ground crying in her Rose Ceremony dress. Look for big things out of Kelsey next week.
-Becca and Ashley I. get roses giving them a total of four flowers between them.
-And the Final Rose goes to Britt, leaving us with 11 girls because Kaitlyn & Jade got roses on dates.
So not getting roses are someone named Nikki who never spoke, Juelia, and Hall of Fame crazy person Ashley S.
Ashley's exit speech was every bit as crazy as you'd hoped Ashley S.'s exit speech would be. "I feel nothing. Like I have no feelings at all. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not worried about anything at all.
Chris, all I have to say to you is nothing."
Bachelor Running Diary readers,
all I have to say to you is nothing. Until next week, I hope this post resonates within you this week...
@AFlenerKSR
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