When it comes to The Bachelor I’m here for three things. The cat fighting, the tears, and the delusion. While you can argue that those three things are one in the same, you probably shouldn’t. If you are here for an in depth review of what girl he should pick, go somewhere else. You won’t enjoy this. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The future happiness or despair of the contestants on this show is of no concern to me. He will pick someone, they will be apart “trying to make it work” while the show airs. They will appear happy at the reunion show, then you’ll see something like this or this a week or a month later. The format of this column, as always, will be a running diary of my thoughts throughout the show. There a lot of places to go for Bachelor commentary so let me thank you for choosing a sports website. Let’s get involved, what do you say?
8:02- The following are all things said about Santa Fe..."Santa Fe seems like the perfect place to fall in love."-Chris
8:03- "I've never been to Santa Fe or New Mexico. It's like one of those beach resort type places. I'm really excited, I've never been out of the country."-Megan
8:04- OMG Megan thinks Santa Fe, New Mexico is in a different country and she thinks it is a bean resort. I think she got Cancun, Mexico and Santa Fe, New Mexico mixed up. Congratulations Megan, you are the first person to ever do this.
8:05- Carly gets the one on one date, and according to the previews she might have some sexy time.
8:07- They meet with a "Love Guru." I don't know what a Love Guru is but it sounds like a profession someone on this show would have. And it seems like someone who could really get a long with a cruise ship singer. Like Carly.
8:13- If you thought the girls on this show were crazy, you haven't seen anything until you see this Love Guru do her job.
8:20- I'm uncomfortable for human beings on the whole right now. Most first dates are happy hours, or dinner and a movie. This first date is Chris bending Carly over at the waist and massaging her thighs and having her breathe heavily an inch from his face. The Bachelor is rated R tonight. I hope you guys out there were watching with your ladies. And as ridiculous as this whole thing was, Josh points out something else really odd…
8:27- Carly said her last boyfriend didn't touch her and they were never physical. Carly said "I haven't had a reciprocated relationship in a really long time." While it's shocking that a beautiful blonde wouldn't have had a reciprocated relationship, most shocking to me is that Carly knew the word "reciprocated."
8:37- When I watch the Sprint commercial that says they're going to cut your phone bill in half if you bring it in I just yell at the TV
"It's 2015 I'm not a terrorist I don't get a paper bill mailed to my house."
8:39- Megan isn't the smartest. She did not pronounce Rio Grande correctly. Also, she 's been in New Mexico for some amount of time and still believes she is in a different country.
8:41- Jade fell off the raft into the water and said her life flashed before her eyes. Again, all that happened was her falling into water. With a lifejacket on.
8:48- JORDAN DROVE TO SANTE FE FROM COLORADO. I have some questions. How did she know where they were? How did she make it without getting lost? How did she make it without getting drunk? I think that ends my questions and the only question that even matters is the one asked by Lauren Taylor on twitter:
8:58- Jordan is about as welcomed by the other girls as Rick Pitino at Rupp Arena. Or Ryan Lemond in a restaurant with fancy silverware.
9:07- The girls find out Jordan is leaving and then they are all like "oh it was so great to see you" and stuff. One girl even said "I truly admire you." I don't know what there is to admire except her tolerance.
9:11- Whitney gets the group date rose!! WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!!
9:13- Ashley I. is not happy about Whitney getting the group date rose. This sounds like an Ashley I. problem.
9:18- Chris wakes Britt up at 4:30 am to go on their date. Britt was somehow in full make up at this point. But never mind that. I've got to say this to all of you. Never wake me up at 4:30 am for any reason. Not even if there is a fire. Nothing good happens if I'm awake at 4:30 am.
9:26- According to the girls Britt doesn't shower. Or want kids. Or want to get married. Right after this, Britt tells Chris "I want to have 100 kids."
9:29- Chris shuts the door to the bedroom where he and Britt are spending some time together in his bed. I don't think I have to explain to you guys what is happening.
9:33- "We took a nap." -Britt. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA YEEEEAAAAHHHH RIIIIIIIIIGHTTT.
9:40- Kelsey is so crazy. Like, so crazy. She is on the Mount Rushmore of Bachelor crazy people. To remind you, Kelsey is a widow. Her husband Sanderson (what a name) died of heart failure while walking to work a year and a half ago. She said "it is really tragic, but I LOVE my story." She loves the story of losing the "love of her life."
This is a special kind of crazy. This is Gone Girl type crazy. If you're a guy and you've never seen Gone Girl, do not see Gone Girl if you ever want to trust a girl again.
9:42- Let me remind everyone that Kelsey, a girl I just compared to the craziest person imaginable, is a school counselor. Like, a person who counsels students at schools. Being counseled by Kelsey would be like having Johnny Manziel and Rob Gronkowski as your AA sponsors.
9:44- Samantha spoke words out loud. I'm not even sure what she said. I think she said something about needing some one on one time with Chris, but I was so shocked her mouth was moving that I didn't pay attention. I honestly wasn't sure she could speak up until this point.
9:48- Chris knows what he wants to do so he is foregoing the cocktail party tonight. This saddens Ashley I. because SHE NEEDS HER TIME like she needs makeup and fake eyelashes. She cries about this, of course. Because that is how we handle things on this show. In reference to Kelsey telling the story about her husband dying, Ashley I. said "My story is nothing compared to hers." Yeah, too bad you're not a widow, Ashley. I'm so sad that you have not had to deal with the death of a spouse.
9:56- This episode is going to end without us finding out who is going home, but it's not going to end before we can watch Kelsey flail on the floor and have a panic attack like a fish out of water. Classic needy girl attention move. Tierra perfected this by fake falling down stairs two seasons ago. But she didn't lose her sparkle.
9:58- The preview for next week looks like the crying really gets ramped up. Every girl they showed was crying. A true tragedy could have happened or maybe one of them didn't get what they wanted for breakfast. Anything is tear worthy for these ladies.
Until next week, I'm Flener and this is my Bachelor Running Diary.
@AFlenerKSR
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