Get to Know the Midwest Region!

Thursday begins pool play for the 2015 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, which means exposure to a host of new teams we don't normally know much about. On paper, any one of these teams could rise to meet us on our path to the finals, so we'd probably better school ourselves on them, don't you think? Here, then, is the Definitive KSR Guide to the Midwest Region for you to keep on hand over the next few days. You're welcome, BBN. Hampton University What You Need to Know: Hampton University is located in Hampton, Virginia and its coach, Edward Joyner, claims to have Jesus on speed dial this basketball season. He also regularly faxes Moses for tax advice, is Facebook friends with Hindi deity Narasimha and regularly swings by fourth century B.C. religious leader Zoroaster's house to "just dish." Fun Fact: The oak tree, a symbolic icon of Hampton University, is said to have inspired funk and dance-pop group Morris Day and the Time's hit tune "The Oak Tree." Many Hampton University references have similarly inspired Day's other successful singles, including "Jerome H. Holland Love," "Do the American Missionary Association" and "The Normal and Agricultural Institute of Funk." Purdue University What You Need to Know: Purdue has won fourteen straight first-round NCAA Tournament games. Not to be outdone, their opponent Cincinnati's bench has fourteen straight aggravated assault charge acquittals in the month of February. Fun Fact: There's no way head coach Matt Painter isn't an illegitimate son of Bob Huggins. Look at him! Just look at him! University of Cincinnati What You Need to Know: Cincinnati is coming in strong after a regular season boasting major victories against Temple, San Diego State, Tulsa and...I'm sorry, I don't mean to be laughing. It's just cute, that's all. I mean, good for them. Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude. Fun Fact: If you root against Cincinnati at Fifth Third Arena an obnoxious 59 year-old Proctor and Gamble executive will scream at you and then strangle you to death with a necktie covered in little Tideâ„¢ logos. University of Buffalo What You Need to Know: Buffalo is coached by former Duke guard Bobby Hurley, who is slightly less hateable since we've learned that he also hated Christian Laettner. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, no? Fun Fact: The mascot for the University of Buffalo is -- as you probably have guessed already -- the Bulls. West Virginia What You Need to Know: Star point guard Juwan Staten has missed West Virginia's last four games but is expected to be back and moving "exceptionally well" for the tournament. Also, BOB HUGGINS WHY ARE YOU IGNORING YOUR SON MATT PAINTER? HE NEEDS A DAD. Fun Fact: The Mountaineers' home court is located in a dark cavern nearly a half a mile beneath the foot of a mountain in Nitro, West Virginia, and 75% of fans who visit their games contract black lung. Valparaiso What You Need to Know: Valpo won both the regular season and conference tournament championships for the Horizon league this year, and for it they received a trophy with a piece of masking tape reading "Horizon League Champions" in sharpie placed strategically over the existing engraving "Sack Race Second Place." Fun Fact: Valparaiso University's motto is "Vestibulum ut ante via portorium Chicago Optimus locus," which roughly translates to "The last place to get gas before the toll road to Chicago." Maryland What You Need to Know: Maryland beat the formidable Wisconsin Badgers this year when the Badgers were at full strength. Which might mean something. Or not. I don't know what you find interesting, okay? I can't read your mind. Fun Fact: Maryland was recently voted "Most Boring Major Program in NCAA Basketball" just now, by me. Butler What You Need to Know: During the Big East Tourney, Butler's live mascot -- a bulldog named "Blue III" -- vomited on the middle of the court at Madison Square Garden. He was so hammered. Fun Fact: Someone in your office will say "Oh, I like Butler, is that young coach with the glasses still there?" The correct answer in any situation to this question is "No, SUSAN, he's at the Celtics. Why don't you start paying attention to things? This is probably why we lost the big account, you dummy." Texas What You Need to Know: Texas the team leads the nation in blocked shots. Texas the state leads the nation in blocked arteries. Fun Fact: ESPN's "Longhorn Network" actually only shows three hours of Texas athletics-based programming a day, the other twenty-one are just re-runs of the 1984 Sally Field/Danny Glover Texas-based drama Places in the Heart. Wichita State What You Need to Know: Fred Van Vleet, title character in the Dr. Seuss classic The Forty French Vests of Fred Van Vleet, has led the Shockers to another great year and many think they'll off Kansas. Fun Fact: Watch the stands for all the old people holding up their fingers in the classic "shocker" configuration, because that never, ever gets not-hilarious. Indiana What You Need to Know: Suddenly getting admitted into the tournament at the 25th hour really screwed up Tom Crean's plans to binge-watch Friends on Netflix all this weekend long. So he's postponed it until next weekend. Fun Fact: Indiana fans this year have the most unchecked aggression in the NCAA. But they're not mad at you, they're really just mad at themselves. Notre Dame What You Need to Know: Notre Dame beat North Carolina three times this season, which means that we should be totally okay with them. Also, Mike Brey often dresses like a standup comedian from 1989's Montreal "Just for Laughs" festival. Fun Fact: With St. Patrick's Day on Tuesday, look for a large contigency of big foam "leprechaun" hats and beads in the stands today as those items were all on clearance yesterday. Northeastern What You Need to Know: No, you don't know anything about them. Everything you think you know about them is stuff you actually know about Northwestern. But go ahead and tell anyone you know anything you want about Northeastern, because nobody is going to call you on it. Fun Fact: Northeastern gained access to the 2015 NCAA Tournament after defeating a table lamp in the Colonial Athletic Association tournament. In two overtimes. Kansas What You Need to Know: The space on Kansas' roster previously occupied by Cliff Alexander is these days filled by sophomore forward Landen Lucas, and the space on Bill Self's head previously occupied by hair is these days filled by fake hair. Fun Fact: Kansas' lineup includes Kelly Oubre, Jr.; Wayne Selden, Jr.; Frank Mason III; Devonte Graham Sr.; Perry Ellis, Esq.; Jamari Traylor, D.M.D. and Brannen Greene, CPA. New Mexico A&M What You Need to Know: The Aggies recently won a Supreme Court decision upholding their players' conceal-and-carry rights on the court, which makes their appearance in the tournament this year a lot more of a wild card. Fun Fact: While the university suffix "A&M" usually means "Agriculture and Mechanics," in New Mexico's case it actually stands for "Animal-Husbandry and Medieval-Studies."