Keeneland At Home: Tips For Bringing The Spring Meet To You!

by: Drew Franklin04/02/20DrewFranklinKSR

Today was supposed to be the first day of Keeneland's spring meet. Over 30,000 people were going to get all dressed up and hammered for the first Saturday this coming weekend, but a global pandemic has other plans for life this April. So we're at home instead, going crazier by the day as we watch roadside zookeepers lure straight men into gay marriage with meth on Netflix. We celebrate the early release of a documentary about Michael Jordan like it's as if Michael Jordan himself is coming out of retirement to save the Bulls. We watch replays of college basketball games to generate false March Madness. It's sad, really. Hell I watched two complete strangers play a video game for an hour last night. These are weird times, but it doesn't have to be like this. We can still have Keeneland. By god we. can. still. have. Keeneland. We just have to do it at home amongst ourselves and I'm here to tell you how...

TIPS FOR KEENELAND AT HOME

Tailgate. I feel like this one's pretty obvious. If you have a yard or a nice outdoor area nearby that is within the rules and regulations of social distancing, have at it. Ice down some beer, play cornhole, grill, do your thing... as long as you're doing it alone or with the same people who share your roof and you're doing it on your own property. If you start to gather, we can't be doing that. Bet on your phone. The races may not be running at Keeneland, but they're still going at other tracks around the world and you can bet on all of them from the comfort of your own mobile phone. The Keeneland Select app is one of those ways, along with TwinSpires, TVG and others. I'm sure they were all busy today with live racing at Gulfstream and several other tracks. Or you can buy this awesome horse racing game on Amazon.

Make a Keeneland Breeze (or seven). The Keeneland Breeze is Keeneland's signature cocktail, a sweet and citrusy twist on bourbon-based day drinking. 10/10 recommend. Here's the recipe from Liquor.com, a trusted online source in liquor, I presume:

Ingredients - 1 1/4 oz Maker’s Mark bourbon - DeKuyper orange curaçao liqueur - Ginger ale - Garnish: Orange wedge Steps 1. Fill rocks glass with ice. 2. Add the bourbon, orange curaçao liqueur and a squeeze of fresh orange and stir. 3. Top off with ginger ale, and garnish with an orange wedge.

There ya go, a Keeneland Breeze at home like the pros do (and you can get more than two at a time!). Make a big pot of burgoo. Keeneland's burgoo recipe is a secret kept tight under lock and key in a vault beneath Clocker's Corner, but you can make your own version at home by combining beef, potatoes and a random assortment of vegetables and other items around your kitchen, backyard and even the garage. It won't match the warm feeling that comes with a cup of Keeneland's burgoo on one of those chillier afternoons at the track, but it's a recipe you can't screw up. Dip a brand new tie in the burgoo. Hang on to it, though. That tie is not done for the day. Watch the horses in the paddock. Here's a 13-minute video from the Keeneland paddock in 2016. Pull it up on your TV, you'll never know it's not live. https://youtu.be/Hr1YJ5MkE-o Take a $20 bill out of your wallet and flush it down the toilet. We lost that race. I told you to take the 7. Walk from room to room in your house, looking for your friends who swore they're standing by the finish line but clearly aren't because you've checked there twice. They're not answering! Pour two ounces of Keeneland Breeze directly onto your brand new tie. Repeat every two to three Keeneland Breezes. Take a $20 bill out of your wallet and flush it down the toilet. We lost that race too. The 4 came out of nowhere. Stand outside your bathroom door until you have to pee so bad you go blind, then wait 20 more minutes before you go in. This one will be difficult and will take some discipline. If you think you can't hold it any longer, threaten to piss in the sink or a trash can if things don't hurry up. You won't, but saying it out loud helps. Walk to the end of your road and try to get an Uber, but switch your phone to Airplane Mode first. By switching to Airplane Mode, you guarantee there is no chance in hell your phone will be able to connect you with someone, anyone, who is driving for Uber, Lyft, or the local cab company. Your phone will not be able to connect you to anyone, which is how I feel almost every time I've tried to leave Keeneland. Now stand there another 45 minutes, trying. Sit in the backseat of your car for an hour. This one is a little tougher to pull off because you can't put five people in the backseat with you and it would be frowned upon to park on New Circle right now, but try to get as uncomfortable as possible in your car and sit there until your nauseous. You may want to sing with the windows down and that's fine too. Pass out on the couch. We're getting up early to do it again tomorrow! Be sure to wear your best tie.