When it comes to The Bachelor, I’m here for three things. The crazy, the tears, and the daddy issues. While you can argue that those three things are one in the same, you don’t get a say in this argument because you are reading, not writing. If you are here for an in depth review of what girl he should pick, go somewhere else. We’re not going to be friends. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The future happiness or despair of the contestants on this show is of no concern to me. What do you say we get started? Are you psyched? I’m Psyched!
If you're like me you're tall, have a valid driver's license, and you're easy to get along with. But you were also left wanting more after the Bachelor
preview episode from Sunday night. Sure, we got to hear some crazy things said and see a crazy thing or two done, but the good stuff starts now. I apologize for not posting this yesterday. I totally would have had it existed at that time. But it didn't. I had a prior engagement scheduled for Monday night (watching the BCS game with my friends) and was unable to watch The Bachelor and write about it that night. However it has been said that "good things come to those who wait." Dennis Rodman has been talking a lot lately, let's attribute that quote to him.
Here is how I predict this episode will go. The show will start off with a montage of Juan Pablo leaving his daughter and family behind in Miami. Then they will pan to shots of him running or sitting alone on a beach with his shirt off. Possibly a small workout scene. Then there will be a short preview of things they do during the season. Probably bungee jumping, slow dancing, and swimming. Then Easy Job Chris Harrison will appear and talk to him for a few minutes. THEN the good stuff starts happening.
Here we go...
8:00- "This season, on The Bachelor we'll do a lot of insanely romantic stuff that real couples would NEVER do when they start dating so that all the girls think they are madly in love with Juan Pablo and therefore backstab each other and cry their eyes out on national television!!! It all starts right now on ABC on the season premiere of The Bachelor!!"
8:02- I couldn't have been more right in my prediction of the shirtless montage.
8:04- Girls, if you're Dad ever said the words "I'm going to L.A. to find a wife and a step mom for my daughter," he doesn't really love you.
8:06- Juan Pablo running shirtless on the beach!! Who would have thought?!?!
8:10-8:15- It's tough to accept the fact that I'll never get back the five minutes I spent watching Juan Pablo and Sean have a conversation about the best ways to find love on a TV show.
8:25- I can't write about that massage scene without getting fired. I just can't. I mean, what in all the hell was that ABC? I got my Mom a massage for Christmas and now I just feel gross. I don't know if this massage girl is ALL the crazy, but she's most of it.
8:29- "You'll never be completely dressed without a smile on your face" sounds like a quote Lacy saw on her BFF's Instagram
As the girls arrive, I will fill out a short questionnaire about each one that I created in my mind yesterday at work. I have a feeling this will be a long post and I
love hate angering the "I'm here for sports" people, so click the "read more" link and we'll get started.
I was going to post a picture of each girl here but multiple pictures slow down the site. Oh, and I'm lazy and that would take forever. If you are interested, go to ABC.COM or just watch the show like the rest of us. The
crazies ladies are arriving, let's meet them one by one and get some questions answered.
Name: Chelsie from Columbus, OH
She introduced herself by: Hugging him and making a terrible joke about chemistry. It was so bad.
What is her job?: Science Educator
Is her job real? I assume "science educator" means "teacher", so I'll say YES.
Does she have crazy eyes? Kind of. I don't know. I never recovered from the joke.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She totalled a tricycle when she was 6.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Why would a person CHOOSE to live in Columbus, Ohio?
Name: Renee from Sarasota, FL
She introduced herself by: Telling him she had an 8 year old kid. I'm not going to lie, keeping something alive for eight years is damn impressive.
What is her job?: Real Estate Agent
Is her job real? It depends. I know real estate agents that work really really hard. But I also know Ryan Lemond.
Does she have crazy eyes? No. She has a kid.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She was the girl in your elementary school class that had the 64 pack of crayons.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: How many takes were used for you to complete that pass to your son? Also, did the Jacksonville Jaguars contact you at any point this year to gauge your interest in playing quarterback?*
*I know that was two questions, but I do what I want. #YOLO
Name: Amy J. from Los Angeles, CA
She introduced herself by: Using spanish she learned from an hour long session of rosetta stone.
What is her job?: Massage Therapist
Is her job real? No. And I can't write about what happened during the scene where they showed her at work without getting fired. You can't do the things she did at a real job. She's crazier than basketball cleats.
Does she have crazy eyes? The craziest.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She went on three dates with Marilyn Manson in 2004 before he dumped her.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: How much do you charge per hour? Asking for a friend.
Name: Nikki from Kansas City, Missouri
She introduced herself by: Letting Juan Pablo listen to her heartbeat with that thing nurses use to listen to heartbeats.
What is her job?: Pediatric Nurse
Is her job real? Yes. Nurses have to clean up poop that doesn't belong to them. Might be the realest job in the world.
Does she have crazy eyes? Nope, but she does have a weird piercing in her ear.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: Her first kiss wasn't her last kiss.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: How do you clean up a stranger's poop without vomiting? Again, asking for a friend.
Name: Lauren H. from Edmund, OK
She introduced herself by: Being normal and forgettable. At least she didn't make a duck face, I guess.
What is her job?: Mineral Coordinator
Is her job real? You tell me. I'm not googling it. I assume she coordinates minerals. I had no idea minerals needed coordinating.
Does she have crazy eyes? Yep. Not her fault though. You'd have crazy eyes too if a guy broke off your engagement.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She has a secret family with a husband and two kids in Helena, Montana.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: What exactly does a mineral coordinator do?
Name: Valerie from Sutter, CA
She introduced herself by: Saying "You can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of"
Oh God just shut up.
What is her job?: Personal Trainer
Is her job real? Meh...
Does she have crazy eyes? No, but she talks to farm animals like they are people.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She was born with one nostril. The doctors made it look like two by inserting a piece of butt skin.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Since you communicate so well with animals,
WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?
Name: Lacy from La Jolla, CA
She introduced herself by: Bringing an oversize pill bottle and forcing whatever was inside down his throat.
What is her job?: Nursing Home Owner
Is her job real? She probably cleans up poop, too. So yes.
Does she have crazy eyes? No, but she said "I'm going to go all the way until I have the ring on my finger" while doing spirit fingers with her left hand.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She shoots granny shots.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Could I be wearing anymore clothes? Seriously, could I? If I can fit more clothes on I need to know. It's 8 degrees here.
Name: Clare from Sacramento, CA
She introduced herself by: ACTING LIKE SHE WAS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is her job?: Hair Stylist
Is her job real? *nodding*
Does she have crazy eyes? Yes, and veneers. And, oh yeah, she faked being freaking pregnant. That AIN'T cool, man.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She wants to get pregnant yesterday.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Do you know Demarcus Cousins?
Name: Amy L. from Orlando, FL
She introduced herself by: Hugging him. Boring.
What is her job?: Local News Reporter
Is her job real? Sure.
Does she have crazy eyes? She's not making it through tonight. Doesn't matter.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She doesn't get dizzy.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Who up?
Name: Cassandra
She introduced herself by: Hugging him followed by an extremely awkward moment of silence.
What is her job?: Former NBA dancer
Is her job real? LOL NO
Does she have crazy eyes?
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She's related to Paula Abdul.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Cass, can I call you Cass? You had months to think about what you wanted to say to Juan Pablo when you met him, can you explain why you decided to say absolutely nothing? I'll hang up and listen.
Name: Christy from Chicago, IL
She introduced herself by: Hugging and awkward hand holding.
What is her job?: Marketing Manager
Is her job real? I'd need to see a pay stub, but yeah.
Does she have crazy eyes? Didn't get to her eyes.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She owns a tanning bed.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Hey girl hey?
Name: Christine from Miami, FL
She introduced herself by: Giving Juan Pablo a bracelet she made for his daughter whom she has never met
What is her job?: Police Support Specialist
Is her job real? She answers phones.
Does she have crazy eyes? No, but she made a necklace for a little girl whom she has never met. If Drew Franklin did that he'd be in handcuffs.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: Her favorite artist is Will Smith.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Did you leave game 6 of the NBA Finals early, too?
Name: Kat from Scottsdale, AZ
She introduced herself by: Hugging him, complimenting him, and being smoking freaking hot right in front of him while getting him to teach her how to salsa dance. Strong to quite strong, Kat.
What is her job?: Medical Sales Rep
Is her job real? If you consider a "job" being in a car listening to Miley Cyrus for 6 hours a day like my Medical Sales Rep roommate then yes, it's a real job.
Does she have crazy eyes? No, but she can dance with no music.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She has a younger sister that's even hotter than her.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: I have friends in Scottsdale. Do you know Matt and Jeff?
Name: Chantel from San Diego, CA
She introduced herself by: Hugging him and teaching him how to pronounce her name
What is her job?: Account Manager
Is her job real? OF COURSE IT'S REAL SHE MANAGES FREAKIN' ACCOUNTS DUDE BACK OFF
Does she have crazy eyes? No, but she roll her letters.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She's seen some things.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: What things have you seen?
Name: Victoria from Boca Raton, FL
She introduced herself by: Hugging him and telling him she knew Portuguese. WHOOOOOOOO Cares!
What is her job?: Legal Assistant
Is her job real? Yes. Legal Assistants do all the work then lawyers take credit for it.
Does she have crazy eyes? Nuh-uh
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She doesn't wash her hair a lot. I don't blame her though. That's a lot of hair.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Have you seen my jorts? I can't find them anywhere.
Name: Lucy
She introduced herself: Barefoot.
What is her job?: And I quote, "Free Spirit"
Is her job real? Come on, dog.
Does she have crazy eyes? Every fiber of her being is insane.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She's experimented with recreational drugs.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: To save time, what drugs haven't you done?
Name: Danielle from St. Louis, MO
She introduced herself by: Hug, compliment. Rinse. Repeat.
What is her job?: Psychiatric Nurse
Is her job real? Yes, but not one I want.
Does she have crazy eyes? No but she got some crazy curls in her hair, y'all!! #JOKES
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She's never had a perm.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: How do you feel about rompers?
Name: Lauren S. from Austin, TX
She introduced herself by: Showing off her physical strength by pushing a piano up the driveway and NOT EVEN TELLING HIM HER NAME.
What is her "job"?: Music Composer
Is her job real? I mean, sure. But she's not good at it.
Does she have crazy eyes? She thought it was a good idea to push a piano UP a driveway.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She's never been to the moon.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Wanna fight?
Name: Elise from Forty Fort, PA
She introduced herself by: Telling him they had so many things in common. What are you, a stalker or something?
What is her job?: First Grade Teacher
Is her job real? Absolutely. What up teachers?!
Does she have crazy eyes? No, but she stalks Juan Pablo and knows all his interests.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She keeps extra pairs of underwear at school. For the kids, gross-out. Not for her.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: How low can you go? Can you go down low? All the way to the floor? Can you bring it to the top? Like you never never stop?
Name: Ashley from Dallas, TX
She introduced herself by: She gave him a gold star because that's what she gives her students when they are being good HE IS NOT A CHILD Ashley don't treat him like one.
What is her job?: First Grade Teacher
Is her job real? For the third time, yes.
Does she have crazy eyes? She treated him like a first grader.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She lets kids run around in dirty underwear at school.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Has the ice melted in Dallas, yet?
Name: Alli from Chicago, IL
She introduced herself by: Wearing soccer footwear and kicking a soccer ball to him because he used to play professional soccer. Get it?
What is her job?: Nanny
Is her job real? No. If you are 26 and have the same job as a 14 year old, it's not a real job.
Does she have crazy eyes? No, but she's in sambas for the rest of the night. At least she wore shoes. Not everyone can say that.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: Despite saying she plays soccer, she doesn't play soccer.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Why did you lie to America about soccer? We only pretend to like soccer once every four years. If you're going to lie at least lie about something we think is cool.
Name: Maggie from North Augusta, SC
She introduced herself by: Giving him a fishing hook. Really. That's what she did. To make matters worse, she then said these words out loud: "I hope that you're the big catch I've been waiting for." Shut it down, Maggie.
What is her job?: Personal Banker
Is her job real? I say yes.
Does she have crazy eyes? Sorta.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She can't drive at night.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: What in the hell is he going to do with a fish hook?
Name: Kelly from Atlanta, GA
She introduced herself by: Bringing a dog with her because guess what her job is?!?!
What is her job?: Dog Lover
Is her job real? WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Even the "Free Spirit" is all like "Girl that ain't a job!"
Does she have crazy eyes? Who cares she described her profession as being a lover of dogs!
An assumption about her based on facts: She's crazier than a football bat.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Do Cats not deserve any love?
Name: Alexis from Tampa, FL
She introduced herself by: Saying her name and where she was from. Our first standard greeting. Way to go, Alexis!
What is her job?: Communications Director
Is her job real? Yes, absolutely. Have you ever seen what happens when communications don't get directed?! It's not pretty, trust me.
Does she have crazy eyes? No, but Juan Pablo has wondering eyes. Whatcha lookin' at, pal?
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She is a terrible skier.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: How's your mom and them?
Name: Kylie from Rockford, IL
She introduced herself: Quickly. As in hugged him, said her name, and went inside.
What is her job?: Interior Designer
Is her job real? It is real. But DO NOT ask her to design any exteriors! Not in her job description.
Does she have crazy eyes? She's a ginger. Yes.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She has wet the bed within the past six months.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: What's the latest on Lucas and Patterson?
Name: Sharleen from Heidelberg, Germany by way of Canada
She introduced herself by: Telling him she is an opera singer. Kind of takes the suspense out of the next question, huh?
What is her job?: You guessed it. Opera Singer.
Is her job real? If you think 2 Chainz' job is real, her job is real.
Does she have crazy eyes? No, she's German. She has dead eyes.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She loves lamp.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: How big an ole boy are ya?
Name: Andi (with an "i") from Atlanta, GA
She introduced herself by: Saying "last but not least.
What is her job?: Gang Lawyer
Is her job real? Real AND awesome.
Does she have crazy eyes? No.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She's afraid of the dark.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: I'm coming through Atlanta in a few months, can I stay at your place?
9:04- Are we done yet?
9:11- The massage girl with the craziest eyes reminds me of the
red headed girl from Wedding Crashers. I can totally see her saying "I'll find you!" at some point and it's disturbing.
9:17- Presented without comment, the following things were just said about roses:
"I have such a great life but my love life has sucked. If anyone here deserves a rose it's me."
"It's not just a rose, it's my future. I came out here because I am ready to settle down and have a family so to me that rose is one step closer to finding that."
9:18- When asked how many kids she wanted to have, Chelsea said "All of them." Not a realistic amount, in my opinion.
9:20- Captain Obvious told Juan Pablo "You've been the center of everyone's attention tonight." Grass is green, the sky is blue, blah blah freakin' blah.
9:22- Hey, girl that has been crying for 20 minutes on the first night. Go find him. Please. And make a good impression. We're going to need you to make a deep run. I have a feeling you are suuuper crazy.
9:28- She's still crying.
9:30- No longer crying. She got her one on one time. It couldn't have gone worse. Reminded me of
this scene from Tommy Boy. "New guy's in the corner puking his guts out!"
9:36- Shardeen was not impressed with getting the first impression rose. She's like Jason Dufner after he won the PGA last year.
9:42- "Ladies, welcome to the first rose ceremony. Sharleen, you got the first impression rose so you have nothing to worry about tonight." (Except that I just compared her to Jason Dufner)
9:43- Juan Pablo: "Clare." Clare: "Me? *points to herself*" Juan Pablo, probably: "No, the other girl who faked being pregnant tonight."
9:44- Three roses in and girls are already huffing and puffing. LOCK IT UP! Show some pride for crying out loud. There are 16 roses left.
9:46- Dog Lover may not have gainful employment, but she's the proud owner of a bright red rose.
9:46:15- Cassandra, the "Former NBA dancer", gets a rose. That's back to back roses for unemployed girls. HE'S HEATING UP!
9:46:30- Danielle puts an end to the unemployed rose streak, not to mention my hopes and dreams of getting to type "HE'S ON FIRE!!!!!!!" and complete my NBA Jam joke. I hate you, Danielle.
9:46:45- For Chelsea, the best part about getting a rose has to be not having to go back to Ohio.
9:47- We have our first attempted robbery of the night! Upon hearing the word "Kat", Kylie starts toward him. This doesn't even register in the realm of awkward. I'm so uncomfortable my hands are sweating. Not totally her fault though. Juan Pablo speaks english not well. They should have someone off camera holding up cards with the name he is trying to say. It'll keep my hands from having to sweat.
9:48- Victoria, who I remember nothing about, gets a rose. Four roses left. Way more than four girls without a rose. It looks like 11:57 on New Years Eve in that room right now.
Single girls are FRANTIC.
9:48:30- Another unemployed rose goes to Free Spirit. If you're scoring at home that's one rose and zero shoes for Free Spirit.
9:49- The final rose goes to Amy L., whoever that person is. The butthurt goes to the girls without roses.
9:50- Crazy eyes massage girl didn't make the cut. She is this season's
"50 Shades of Grey" girl. Good luck to her back at that massage parlor that may or may not double as a set for adult movies.
9:51- The ginger that tried to commit the rose robbery: "It's disappointing to get sent home the first night because I could picture my life with Juan Pablo and I could picture it even more after meeting him." She got what? Five minutes with him? And she could picture her life with him. She isn't normal.
9:52- Homegirl is crying again. When it comes to January 6th, 2014, nobody had a worse day than her. Who had the best day? Easy. Temperature screenshots. She said, "I just can't believe that I'm going home on the first night. I've been through a lot..." (Yeah, you've mentioned that) "and I'm sick and tired of people looking at me and feeling sorry for me and this is another thing and it just really sucks. I'm a genuine person and I want to find my best friend and I want to make a life with somebody. It's all I want." Hey, that can't be all you want. Somebody's got to coordinate those minerals you ole Mineral Coordinator you.
We're over 4,000 words in, so I'll leave you with a video of the most ridiculous introductions of the night.
When it comes to The Bachelor, I’m here for three things. The crazy, the tears, and the daddy issues. While you can argue that those three things are one in the same, you don’t get a say in this argument because you are reading, not writing. If you are here for an in depth review of what girl he should pick, go somewhere else. We’re not going to be friends. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The future happiness or despair of the contestants on this show is of no concern to me. What do you say we get started? Are you psyched? I’m Psyched!
If you're like me you're tall, have a valid driver's license, and you're easy to get along with. But you were also left wanting more after the Bachelor preview episode from Sunday night. Sure, we got to hear some crazy things said and see a crazy thing or two done, but the good stuff starts now. I apologize for not posting this yesterday. I totally would have had it existed at that time. But it didn't. I had a prior engagement scheduled for Monday night (watching the BCS game with my friends) and was unable to watch The Bachelor and write about it that night. However it has been said that "good things come to those who wait." Dennis Rodman has been talking a lot lately, let's attribute that quote to him.
Here is how I predict this episode will go. The show will start off with a montage of Juan Pablo leaving his daughter and family behind in Miami. Then they will pan to shots of him running or sitting alone on a beach with his shirt off. Possibly a small workout scene. Then there will be a short preview of things they do during the season. Probably bungee jumping, slow dancing, and swimming. Then Easy Job Chris Harrison will appear and talk to him for a few minutes. THEN the good stuff starts happening.
Here we go...
8:00- "This season, on The Bachelor we'll do a lot of insanely romantic stuff that real couples would NEVER do when they start dating so that all the girls think they are madly in love with Juan Pablo and therefore backstab each other and cry their eyes out on national television!!! It all starts right now on ABC on the season premiere of The Bachelor!!"
8:02- I couldn't have been more right in my prediction of the shirtless montage.
8:04- Girls, if you're Dad ever said the words "I'm going to L.A. to find a wife and a step mom for my daughter," he doesn't really love you.
8:06- Juan Pablo running shirtless on the beach!! Who would have thought?!?!
8:10-8:15- It's tough to accept the fact that I'll never get back the five minutes I spent watching Juan Pablo and Sean have a conversation about the best ways to find love on a TV show.
8:25- I can't write about that massage scene without getting fired. I just can't. I mean, what in all the hell was that ABC? I got my Mom a massage for Christmas and now I just feel gross. I don't know if this massage girl is ALL the crazy, but she's most of it.
8:29- "You'll never be completely dressed without a smile on your face" sounds like a quote Lacy saw on her BFF's Instagram
As the girls arrive, I will fill out a short questionnaire about each one that I created in my mind yesterday at work. I have a feeling this will be a long post and I 
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She went on three dates with Marilyn Manson in 2004 before he dumped her.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: How much do you charge per hour? Asking for a friend.
Name: Nikki from Kansas City, Missouri
She introduced herself by: Letting Juan Pablo listen to her heartbeat with that thing nurses use to listen to heartbeats.
What is her job?: Pediatric Nurse
Is her job real? Yes. Nurses have to clean up poop that doesn't belong to them. Might be the realest job in the world.
Does she have crazy eyes? Nope, but she does have a weird piercing in her ear.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: Her first kiss wasn't her last kiss.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: How do you clean up a stranger's poop without vomiting? Again, asking for a friend.
Name: Lauren H. from Edmund, OK
She introduced herself by: Being normal and forgettable. At least she didn't make a duck face, I guess.
What is her job?: Mineral Coordinator
Is her job real? You tell me. I'm not googling it. I assume she coordinates minerals. I had no idea minerals needed coordinating.
Does she have crazy eyes? Yep. Not her fault though. You'd have crazy eyes too if a guy broke off your engagement.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She has a secret family with a husband and two kids in Helena, Montana.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: What exactly does a mineral coordinator do?
Name: Valerie from Sutter, CA
She introduced herself by: Saying "You can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of" Oh God just shut up.
What is her job?: Personal Trainer
Is her job real? Meh...
Does she have crazy eyes? No, but she talks to farm animals like they are people.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She was born with one nostril. The doctors made it look like two by inserting a piece of butt skin.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Since you communicate so well with animals, WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?
Name: Lacy from La Jolla, CA
She introduced herself by: Bringing an oversize pill bottle and forcing whatever was inside down his throat.
What is her job?: Nursing Home Owner
Is her job real? She probably cleans up poop, too. So yes.
Does she have crazy eyes? No, but she said "I'm going to go all the way until I have the ring on my finger" while doing spirit fingers with her left hand.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She shoots granny shots.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Could I be wearing anymore clothes? Seriously, could I? If I can fit more clothes on I need to know. It's 8 degrees here.
Name: Clare from Sacramento, CA
She introduced herself by: ACTING LIKE SHE WAS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is her job?: Hair Stylist
Is her job real? *nodding*
Does she have crazy eyes? Yes, and veneers. And, oh yeah, she faked being freaking pregnant. That AIN'T cool, man.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She wants to get pregnant yesterday.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Do you know Demarcus Cousins?
Name: Amy L. from Orlando, FL
She introduced herself by: Hugging him. Boring.
What is her job?: Local News Reporter
Is her job real? Sure.
Does she have crazy eyes? She's not making it through tonight. Doesn't matter.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She doesn't get dizzy.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Who up?
Name: Cassandra
She introduced herself by: Hugging him followed by an extremely awkward moment of silence.
What is her job?: Former NBA dancer
Is her job real? LOL NO
Does she have crazy eyes?
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She's related to Paula Abdul.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Cass, can I call you Cass? You had months to think about what you wanted to say to Juan Pablo when you met him, can you explain why you decided to say absolutely nothing? I'll hang up and listen.
Name: Christy from Chicago, IL
She introduced herself by: Hugging and awkward hand holding.
What is her job?: Marketing Manager
Is her job real? I'd need to see a pay stub, but yeah.
Does she have crazy eyes? Didn't get to her eyes.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She owns a tanning bed.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Hey girl hey?
Name: Christine from Miami, FL
She introduced herself by: Giving Juan Pablo a bracelet she made for his daughter whom she has never met
What is her job?: Police Support Specialist
Is her job real? She answers phones.
Does she have crazy eyes? No, but she made a necklace for a little girl whom she has never met. If Drew Franklin did that he'd be in handcuffs.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: Her favorite artist is Will Smith.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Did you leave game 6 of the NBA Finals early, too?
Name: Kat from Scottsdale, AZ
She introduced herself by: Hugging him, complimenting him, and being smoking freaking hot right in front of him while getting him to teach her how to salsa dance. Strong to quite strong, Kat.
What is her job?: Medical Sales Rep
Is her job real? If you consider a "job" being in a car listening to Miley Cyrus for 6 hours a day like my Medical Sales Rep roommate then yes, it's a real job.
Does she have crazy eyes? No, but she can dance with no music.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She has a younger sister that's even hotter than her.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: I have friends in Scottsdale. Do you know Matt and Jeff?
Name: Chantel from San Diego, CA
She introduced herself by: Hugging him and teaching him how to pronounce her name
What is her job?: Account Manager
Is her job real? OF COURSE IT'S REAL SHE MANAGES FREAKIN' ACCOUNTS DUDE BACK OFF
Does she have crazy eyes? No, but she roll her letters.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She's seen some things.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: What things have you seen?
Name: Victoria from Boca Raton, FL
She introduced herself by: Hugging him and telling him she knew Portuguese. WHOOOOOOOO Cares!
What is her job?: Legal Assistant
Is her job real? Yes. Legal Assistants do all the work then lawyers take credit for it.
Does she have crazy eyes? Nuh-uh
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She doesn't wash her hair a lot. I don't blame her though. That's a lot of hair.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Have you seen my jorts? I can't find them anywhere.
Name: Lucy
She introduced herself: Barefoot.
What is her job?: And I quote, "Free Spirit"
Is her job real? Come on, dog.
Does she have crazy eyes? Every fiber of her being is insane.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She's experimented with recreational drugs.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: To save time, what drugs haven't you done?
Name: Danielle from St. Louis, MO
She introduced herself by: Hug, compliment. Rinse. Repeat.
What is her job?: Psychiatric Nurse
Is her job real? Yes, but not one I want.
Does she have crazy eyes? No but she got some crazy curls in her hair, y'all!! #JOKES
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She's never had a perm.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: How do you feel about rompers?
Name: Lauren S. from Austin, TX
She introduced herself by: Showing off her physical strength by pushing a piano up the driveway and NOT EVEN TELLING HIM HER NAME.
What is her "job"?: Music Composer
Is her job real? I mean, sure. But she's not good at it.
Does she have crazy eyes? She thought it was a good idea to push a piano UP a driveway.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She's never been to the moon.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Wanna fight?
Name: Elise from Forty Fort, PA
She introduced herself by: Telling him they had so many things in common. What are you, a stalker or something?
What is her job?: First Grade Teacher
Is her job real? Absolutely. What up teachers?!
Does she have crazy eyes? No, but she stalks Juan Pablo and knows all his interests.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She keeps extra pairs of underwear at school. For the kids, gross-out. Not for her.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: How low can you go? Can you go down low? All the way to the floor? Can you bring it to the top? Like you never never stop?
Name: Ashley from Dallas, TX
She introduced herself by: She gave him a gold star because that's what she gives her students when they are being good HE IS NOT A CHILD Ashley don't treat him like one.
What is her job?: First Grade Teacher
Is her job real? For the third time, yes.
Does she have crazy eyes? She treated him like a first grader.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She lets kids run around in dirty underwear at school.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Has the ice melted in Dallas, yet?
Name: Alli from Chicago, IL
She introduced herself by: Wearing soccer footwear and kicking a soccer ball to him because he used to play professional soccer. Get it?
What is her job?: Nanny
Is her job real? No. If you are 26 and have the same job as a 14 year old, it's not a real job.
Does she have crazy eyes? No, but she's in sambas for the rest of the night. At least she wore shoes. Not everyone can say that.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: Despite saying she plays soccer, she doesn't play soccer.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Why did you lie to America about soccer? We only pretend to like soccer once every four years. If you're going to lie at least lie about something we think is cool.
Name: Maggie from North Augusta, SC
She introduced herself by: Giving him a fishing hook. Really. That's what she did. To make matters worse, she then said these words out loud: "I hope that you're the big catch I've been waiting for." Shut it down, Maggie.
What is her job?: Personal Banker
Is her job real? I say yes.
Does she have crazy eyes? Sorta.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She can't drive at night.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: What in the hell is he going to do with a fish hook?
Name: Kelly from Atlanta, GA
She introduced herself by: Bringing a dog with her because guess what her job is?!?!
What is her job?: Dog Lover
Is her job real? WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Even the "Free Spirit" is all like "Girl that ain't a job!"
Does she have crazy eyes? Who cares she described her profession as being a lover of dogs!
An assumption about her based on facts: She's crazier than a football bat.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: Do Cats not deserve any love?
Name: Alexis from Tampa, FL
She introduced herself by: Saying her name and where she was from. Our first standard greeting. Way to go, Alexis!
What is her job?: Communications Director
Is her job real? Yes, absolutely. Have you ever seen what happens when communications don't get directed?! It's not pretty, trust me.
Does she have crazy eyes? No, but Juan Pablo has wondering eyes. Whatcha lookin' at, pal?
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She is a terrible skier.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: How's your mom and them?
Name: Kylie from Rockford, IL
She introduced herself: Quickly. As in hugged him, said her name, and went inside.
What is her job?: Interior Designer
Is her job real? It is real. But DO NOT ask her to design any exteriors! Not in her job description.
Does she have crazy eyes? She's a ginger. Yes.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She has wet the bed within the past six months.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: What's the latest on Lucas and Patterson?
Name: Sharleen from Heidelberg, Germany by way of Canada
She introduced herself by: Telling him she is an opera singer. Kind of takes the suspense out of the next question, huh?
What is her job?: You guessed it. Opera Singer.
Is her job real? If you think 2 Chainz' job is real, her job is real.
Does she have crazy eyes? No, she's German. She has dead eyes.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She loves lamp.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: How big an ole boy are ya?
Name: Andi (with an "i") from Atlanta, GA
She introduced herself by: Saying "last but not least.
What is her job?: Gang Lawyer
Is her job real? Real AND awesome.
Does she have crazy eyes? No.
An assumption about her based on no facts what-so-ever: She's afraid of the dark.
Aaron, what is one question you have for this young lady?: I'm coming through Atlanta in a few months, can I stay at your place?
9:04- Are we done yet?
9:11- The massage girl with the craziest eyes reminds me of the red headed girl from Wedding Crashers. I can totally see her saying "I'll find you!" at some point and it's disturbing.
9:17- Presented without comment, the following things were just said about roses:
"I have such a great life but my love life has sucked. If anyone here deserves a rose it's me."
"It's not just a rose, it's my future. I came out here because I am ready to settle down and have a family so to me that rose is one step closer to finding that."
9:18- When asked how many kids she wanted to have, Chelsea said "All of them." Not a realistic amount, in my opinion.
9:20- Captain Obvious told Juan Pablo "You've been the center of everyone's attention tonight." Grass is green, the sky is blue, blah blah freakin' blah.
9:22- Hey, girl that has been crying for 20 minutes on the first night. Go find him. Please. And make a good impression. We're going to need you to make a deep run. I have a feeling you are suuuper crazy.
9:28- She's still crying.
9:30- No longer crying. She got her one on one time. It couldn't have gone worse. Reminded me of this scene from Tommy Boy. "New guy's in the corner puking his guts out!"
9:36- Shardeen was not impressed with getting the first impression rose. She's like Jason Dufner after he won the PGA last year.
9:42- "Ladies, welcome to the first rose ceremony. Sharleen, you got the first impression rose so you have nothing to worry about tonight." (Except that I just compared her to Jason Dufner)
9:43- Juan Pablo: "Clare." Clare: "Me? *points to herself*" Juan Pablo, probably: "No, the other girl who faked being pregnant tonight."
9:44- Three roses in and girls are already huffing and puffing. LOCK IT UP! Show some pride for crying out loud. There are 16 roses left.
9:46- Dog Lover may not have gainful employment, but she's the proud owner of a bright red rose.
9:46:15- Cassandra, the "Former NBA dancer", gets a rose. That's back to back roses for unemployed girls. HE'S HEATING UP!
9:46:30- Danielle puts an end to the unemployed rose streak, not to mention my hopes and dreams of getting to type "HE'S ON FIRE!!!!!!!" and complete my NBA Jam joke. I hate you, Danielle.
9:46:45- For Chelsea, the best part about getting a rose has to be not having to go back to Ohio.
9:47- We have our first attempted robbery of the night! Upon hearing the word "Kat", Kylie starts toward him. This doesn't even register in the realm of awkward. I'm so uncomfortable my hands are sweating. Not totally her fault though. Juan Pablo speaks english not well. They should have someone off camera holding up cards with the name he is trying to say. It'll keep my hands from having to sweat.
9:48- Victoria, who I remember nothing about, gets a rose. Four roses left. Way more than four girls without a rose. It looks like 11:57 on New Years Eve in that room right now. Single girls are FRANTIC.
9:48:30- Another unemployed rose goes to Free Spirit. If you're scoring at home that's one rose and zero shoes for Free Spirit.
9:49- The final rose goes to Amy L., whoever that person is. The butthurt goes to the girls without roses.
9:50- Crazy eyes massage girl didn't make the cut. She is this season's "50 Shades of Grey" girl. Good luck to her back at that massage parlor that may or may not double as a set for adult movies.
9:51- The ginger that tried to commit the rose robbery: "It's disappointing to get sent home the first night because I could picture my life with Juan Pablo and I could picture it even more after meeting him." She got what? Five minutes with him? And she could picture her life with him. She isn't normal.
9:52- Homegirl is crying again. When it comes to January 6th, 2014, nobody had a worse day than her. Who had the best day? Easy. Temperature screenshots. She said, "I just can't believe that I'm going home on the first night. I've been through a lot..." (Yeah, you've mentioned that) "and I'm sick and tired of people looking at me and feeling sorry for me and this is another thing and it just really sucks. I'm a genuine person and I want to find my best friend and I want to make a life with somebody. It's all I want." Hey, that can't be all you want. Somebody's got to coordinate those minerals you ole Mineral Coordinator you.
We're over 4,000 words in, so I'll leave you with a video of the most ridiculous introductions of the night.
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