Meet the Inmates of 'Orange is the New Black'

[caption id="attachment_159349" align="alignnone" width="585"] I avoid season 1 spoilery--swear it[/caption] The surprise Netflix hit of 2013, hell, the surprise hit in all of television of 2013 (there will be cursing in this post; this is prison bitch) Orange is the New Black returns for its sophomore season tomorrow after nearly a year of wretched waiting. I hate waiting. Following the rebirth of Arrested Development and the marketing gargantuan of House of Cards, few could have predicted the success of an underhyped, poorly advertised dramedy about a womens' prison from Weeds' creator Jenji Kohan. Beyoncé she is not. Its biggest name stars were: pie guy from American Pie, girl who knows sex better than Tara Reid (lol), and Donna from That 70's Show. Oh, and its protagonist? A skinny blonde from Nicholas Sparks movie. Yet it showed up in your Instant Queue, as if there were some sort of higher power stealing your Netflix account was at work, and quickly became the most talked about and most streamed program of the year. Its characters are castaways, drug addicts, teen moms, prostitutes, murderers, thieves, runaways, sexual minorities, and the antithesis of everything Leave It To Beaver's America stood for. Yet, these ladies are some of the most powerful, relatable, and human on television. Surprising? Perhaps it shouldn't be. Check which country has the highest prison population in the world.... Guess Lena Dunham isn't the proper choice for "voice of my generation." Let's look for someone in orange? With the best ensemble cast of women and women of color in television (who could argue this point) playing a rowdy lot of prison inmates one just can't help but root for--how could you NOT be watching this show? You don't even have to deal with advertisements. No excuses. So if you need to catch up quickly or get a refresher on what makes these special ladies tick before your binger this weekend: here it is, the ladies of Litchfield Penitentiary.   Piper Chapman The show's "protagonist" she's a walking, talking White People Problems. Going from juice fasts, spin classes, and homemade soap making in the Upper EastNorthHampton Side to the prison side from some drug smuggling she did for her girlfriend, Alex, ten years previously, she's regularly unbearable. Like that girl always trying to find herself all the time ($%*& is she me?) she has the occasional endearing moment that keeps the viewer from hitting the mute button during her speaking/non-Alex Vause moments. Oh, and telling the story of prison through the pretty white girl's eyes--oh TV, you don't really ever change do you? Pipery quotes: I've been here for less than two weeks. I've been starved out, felt up, teased, stalked, threatened, and called Taylor Swift, so cut me some slack. -- SAME Bitches gots to learn. -- in reference to a young child in a wheelchair. Promise me you're not watching Mad Men without me. -- You probably missed a power meeting and a few stiff drinks. You don't just turn gay, you fall somewhere on a spectrum, like on a Kisney scale. -- Introduction to psych. I'm scared that I'm not myself in here, and I'm scared that I am. -- DEEP I believe in science, I believe in evolution, I believe in Nate Silver. I believe in Neil deGrasse Tyson and Christopher Hitchens, although I do admit he can be kind of an asshole. -- And this is pre Cosmos   Alex Vause "I work for an international drug cartel." Now that is an intro. Donna Pinciotti is all grown up, ditching her red locks, bellbottoms, and scrawny Eric Foreman for ebony, hipster shades, and scrawny Piper Chapman. Despite being the tough exterior--(flower tats, a rock star dad, heroin smuggling), her primary purpose in this show is to serve as the "ship" for Vauseman and spawn thousands of YouTube videos, Tumblr gif-ma-bobs, and steamy fanfiction romance novels. Their chemistry--the characters and actors who play them, is undeniable and whether fighting, dancing, or.... ya know... the Piper+Alex relationship serves to humanize each, showing off their vulnerabilities. And give you feels.   Vause Quotes: So, in this analogy, you're Jesus Christ? -- No Alex, it should be you. I heart you. -- Be still my beating ... heart? You were just this boring girl from Connecticut who wanted to feel special and bad. And yea, maybe I never forgave you for leaving. Because you broke my **** ing heart. :-(   Taystee She was basically MADE for Buzzfeed--the ever quotable, gifable, and vivacious Taystee, Tasha Jefferson is a prison leader, librarian, and would-be Instagram foodie.   Taysteeiest Quotes: This ain't The Help, bitch! But you will eat my shit! -- Minnie style ummmhmmmmmm. Them cracker meth-head bitches won't let us change the channel! And it's our turn! I can't watch no more Toddlers and Tiaras. -- She goes on to discuss the hyper-sexualization of children (no joke). Everyone I know is poor, in jail or gone. -- Cried. Don't be ****in with no Harry Potter. Cause I tell you right now ain't nobody steppin on the Goblet of Fire. -- Truth   Pennsatucky Her "name..." it ends in tucky..... WHY GOD WHY?!! The primary antagonist of the series develops from what one would expect--a bigoted warden and a drug-peddling guard with a mustache, to this ^^^. Surprising, no? Pennsatucky was once just a wide-eyed meth addict and psychopath, but after finding the Lawd, she became not only a prison evangelist, but a violent and bigoted Christ figure of Litchfield--even thinks she can heal people. Sigh.   Tuckiest Quotes: You're gonna go to hell! And you're gonna burn there for the entire eternity of eternity! -- So what if I do? Well I say we should have a whites only bathroom! -- EEEEEEPPPPP Y'all bitches need Jesus. -- Sounds an awful lot like Pretty Little Liars in here. You're not invited. Because they don't allow gay people on the rapture bus. -- There's a bus? Is Ms. Frizzle there!? She seems awfully gay.   Nicky Nichols The young star in the making of American Pie and cult classic, But I'm a Cheerleader, fell off the map a bit in her 20s; much like her character Nicky in OINTB, Natasha Lyonne is also brutally honest, intelligent, and has a quick wit that shows in interviews. Another shared attribute is Natasha also struggled with drug addiction, which derailed her acting career for some time. I would recommend checking out some of her interviews on the topic--they're very powerful. Back to the show! Nicky is another strong gay character (so many) who you see in many compromising sexual positions early in episode one. I was a bit surprised; how inappropriate Netflix!   Nicky Quotes: I'd make a terrible mule. I'd have done all your drugs. -- Greedy mule. I'm on a cough syrup cocktail that would make Lil Wayne vomit in his dreads. -- She's got the hair for the job. #ThatLeanTho There's always hope tomorrow'll be taco night. -- Eternal elementary school.   Red Litchfield is a lot like West Side Story--less singing, but there's some similarities. OK, there's one, in that people break up into cliques by skin color. Who'd have thunk it? The head honcho of the white-ish people is the old kitchen lady, Red. No, would not have called that either. She's Russian. Oh, OK then. And Star Trek. What else do you need to know? That's about it really. She's intimidating and don't take no guff from nobody; Red is a maternal figure to many of the girls in Litchfield, including Nicky and a great number of the recovering addicts.   Ole Red Quotes: All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb its power." -- Chick Fil' A has that.  2 strikes, that's all she gets. Russians don't play baseball. -- But Putin did, it would be shirtless. Everything off the books lives like Anne Frank now." -- This quote out of context..?   Sophia Burset The backstory (yes, there are flashbacks!) of each character is fascinating, but none more so than prison hairdresser Sophia. The recent TIME covergirl, Laverne Cox, portrays the struggle of a transgender woman in the prison system to the T, and quickly becomes one of the most likeable characters.   Sophia Quotes:  Rihanna when? She had like, 26 hairdos in the past two years. -- Less clothing. I don't do sausage on my breakfast sandwich. -- Fair Please is for commissary hoes and Oliver Twist. -- But can I have some more?   https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ZPQEg0M4sFA Crazy Eyes Falls in love with Piper. Pees on the floor when she gets rejected. Quotes some Shakespeare every now and again. This girl is deep and not nearly as crazy as you think--she will surprise you.   Crazy Quotes: I don't just like you Piper I got feelings. Love feelings. -- You can do better Crazy Eyes. Vanilla and vanilla--swirl, swirl, swirl. -- Two vanillas, still swirl.   Daya Diaz Daya draws creepy manga pictures, and people don't seem to think it's nearly as creepy as they should. Do you know how much manga porn is out there? She's best known for a certain relationship with a certain guard and the fact that her mom is also in Litchfield with her. That's all Imma say. Treading in dangerous spoiler water.   **I'm tired. Helluvalotta inmates. Segue. SDFJDGHJSGUEGSYUYGUIYEWTEIUIWOUTYAMERICANPIE   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e99SkdcB2UU June 6, we're ready for you.