Ranking the Most Menacing Mascots of the Sweet 16
March Madness is wonderful for many reasons. The high stakes, the shocking twists, Charles Barkley and Spike Lee singing in a car… pick your favorite, there’s simply no wrong answer. But one thing I always enjoy is seeing the diverse collection of schools that come together in March, sending their finest young men and women to showcase their talents on the NCAA’s greatest stage. And no, I don’t mean the basketball players.
Pretty much every year, I devote a few words on this website to celebrating the weirdest and wackiest of March Madness mascots. From Anteaters to Zips, there’s no better time to appreciate the many ways we show school spirit. I mean, when else will you get to see a Horned Frog dancing with a Pirate?
This year, I’ve decided to rank the 15* mascots left in the men’s tournament from least to most menacing. That’s it, that’s the whole idea. Here goes.
* Michigan does not have a mascot, so they’re out. I’m kind of mad. Wolverines are sick.
15. Kansas Jayhawks
As discussed last time I did this, the Kansas mascot (“Big Jay“) is a cartoonishly disproportioned, thoroughly non-threatening sham of a bird. His feet are far too big, his beak far too soft, and his wings are completely impractical. He’d be better served as the mascot for Los Pollos Hermanos.
In the interest of fairness, I’m also considering each of these furry friends in their natural form. But that’s tricky for this one, considering the jayhawk is a fictional bird. So yeah, I’ll take my chances against this walking reject from Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends.
14. Gonzaga Bulldogs
Look, bulldogs get a bad rap. The whole reason that there are so many bulldog mascots in this country is based on the idea that they’re some fierce, relentless fighting machine of a dog, but that’s just not true. Most domestic bulldogs you’ll meet are slobbering goofballs, worn down into utterly ineffectual yelpers by years of overbreeding. They’re sweet, but they’re not scary. Gonzaga’s mascot, “Spike,” is no different.
Like Big Jay, Spike has an overly-sized head and big arms, reminiscent of a big gray snuggie. He has big teeth, too, but only on his lower lip — and frankly, they don’t look all that sharp. He doesn’t look angry, just sad. Like he needs a hug. And I for one would be happy to give him one.
13. UNC Tar Heels
A tar heel, for those unfamiliar, is simply a native resident of the state of North Carolina. Originally, it referred to the blue-collar workers who burned pine boughs to make tar, and at some point during the process, got it stuck on their heels. That’s a perfectly respectable trade, and I certainly don’t want to underestimate the average North Carolinian’s fighting spirit. But as mascots go, it’s a little underwhelming.
You’re probably also wondering what this has to do with “Rameses,” UNC’s anthropomorphic male sheep that walks around at basketball games. As far as I can tell, the answer is nothing. But while he looks angry enough, rams are only mildly menacing at best, especially when their horns are painted blue. Moving on…
12. Texas Tech Red Raiders
Let’s start by acknowledging that Texas Tech’s original nickname — the Matadors — would probably put it much higher on this list. Matadors are awesome. Red Raiders are vague. I’m not against naming a team using a color, and red is arguably the angriest of colors; but when I think of a raider, I’m just not getting a clear picture. It’s just a bunch of guys wearing red doing some raiding. That’s alright, I guess.
The only specific picture they do provide us is that of “Raider Red,” the mustachioed gunslinger who looks like a cross between Yosemite Sam and Benny the Bull. On the one hand, he is armed. On the other hand, he doesn’t look like he could hit the broadside of a Texas barn with those cross-eyes. So again, I’ll take my chances.
11. Arkansas Razorbacks
We’ve arrived at the mid-tier animal group of mascots, starting with our old friends from Fayetteville. The razorback is no doubt a fierce opponent for its size. This is also one of the rare instances where a school changed its nickname and actually wound up with something cooler (they were originally known as the Cardinal). Progress!
Still, it’s hard to think of something so delicious as particularly threatening. “Big Red” may do some damage if he gets in close, but all I see behind those angry eyes is a hot plate of crispy bacon. Woo pig sooie, indeed.
10. Arizona Wildcats
This is where things get tricky. A wildcat is generally defined as any one of several North American feral cats, from ocelots to mountain lions — and there’s obviously quite a bit of range there. Regionally speaking, the Tucson cat figures to be a bobcat (they once used one as a live mascot, according to Wikipedia). Bobcats aren’t huge, but they’re quick enough to outfox a pig and they’ll leave their mark on you if you cross them.
Arizona’s furry figurehead is called “Wilbur,” and he likes to wear a cowboy hat. I respect that. He’s also got kind of a Doc Brown thing going on with his hair. That leads me to believe he’s not all there in the head, and everyone knows you don’t f*** with crazy.
9. Villanova Wildcats
The other half of our little Wildcat double-feature here is the Southeastern Pennsylvanian variety. Per Villanova’s website, they’re bobcats as well. Why don’t these schools just say that instead, and avoid all the vagueness? I don’t know, but I guess we in Kentucky have no room to talk on the subject.
I give Nova’s “Will D. Cat” a slight edge over Wilbur in fear factor simply because he has a full set of teeth, and they look to be sharp.
8. UCLA Bruins
Pound for pound, the toughest animal on this list is the UCLA Bruin. Not only is it a full-grown bear, but the term takes its roots from French folklore, so it’s not much of a stretch to call it a magical bear. Or maybe it is, I don’t know. The point is, bears are scary with or without mystical powers.
UCLA’s “Joe Bruin” looks somewhat tame as mascots go, but make no mistake — he could put you on the floor in an instant. He’s about his business, and that business is inflicting pain. Move right along.
7. St. Peter’s Peacocks
No, this is not a joke. I actually had to talk myself down from putting them at No. 1. It may just be the recent trauma talking, but peacocks are very scary. Consider these facts, from a helpful article called “Reasons to Fear Peacocks:”
- Peacocks can grow to nearly five feet tall, with sharp beaks, talons and the ability to fly (think Doug Edert)
- Peacocks are very aggressive, and they will attack you if you approach their nest (i.e. court)
- When provoked, they spread their feathers in a display of dominance that can be quite upsetting (especially if you’re a higher-seeded team)
The St. Peter’s mascot, “Pete the Peacock,” is one cocky SOB. That confidence probably stems from his roots in Egyptian folklore. True story: according to this Herald-Leader article from last week, the mascot was inspired by the self-resurrecting legend of the phoenix. How they got from that to a zoo animal, I’m not sure, but I’m not one to doubt His Holiness Saint Peter. And I’m definitely not one to mess with a peacock.
6. Iowa State Cyclones
Speaking of crazy, that brings us to No. 8: Iowa State’s “Cy the Cardinal.” Massive, beady eyes, pointy feathers, a creepy Joker smile, he’s got all. The one thing this mascot isn’t is a cyclone, which is admittedly a little disappointing. But I admit that would be a hard look to pull off in a felt costume.
I’m also willing to cut them some slack on that point considering how one time there was an actual tornado at one of their football games, and the Cyclones went on to win it. If the point of a mascot is to boost your home environment, that’s one hell of a way to do it.
5. Houston Cougars
Is a cougar technically a wildcat? Perhaps. That’s not important. What matters is, they could probably polish off a bobcat in a few bites. They’re the fifth-overall-strongest big cat in the world according to this list I found, just behind leopards and lions. You do not want to run up on an angry cougar in the wild.
Moreover, if you’ve never seen Houston’s mascot, “Shasta,”… well, he looks like he spent 10 hard years at Riker’s Island. I’m telling you, that cat has seen some sh**. Those eyes say, “I’ve killed before, and I will again.” Stay far away.
4. Duke Blue Devils
40 years ago, the Duke mascot would’ve been an afterthought on this list. The ingeniously-named “Blue Devil” is a rubbery-looking character with baby horns and a goatee, no more menacing in appearance than Luke Kennard in a tutu. And what would Edna Mode think of that kooky blue cape?
Then the Devil himself arrived in Durham, and it all changed. Seeing what Mike Krzyzewski has done for the Duke program is enough for me to believe in all kinds of black magic. I have no doubt that whoever wears that goofy devil suit is taking orders directly from Coach K, and that’s evil incarnate.
3. Miami Hurricanes
If we were going by name alone, Miami would clean up all these schools. There’s no scarier thing to face on the street than a gosh darn hurricane. But like Iowa State, the ‘Canes opted to go with an animal mascot on the sidelines rather than attempt to replicate the likeness of a powerful sea-based storm system. Shame, that.
The official mascot of The “U” is “Sebastian the Ibis.” Per Wikipedia, they picked an ibis because it’s the last animal to flee in the face of a hurricane and the first to return, thus making it “a symbol of leadership and courage.” That’s all well and good, but I’m more concerned with his psycho-killer green eyes and creepy claw fingers. I do NOT want this to be the last thing I see before I die.
2. Purdue Boilermakers
Jason Voorhees. Michael Myers. Ghostface. All creepy, but none of them hold a candle to “Purdue Pete“. Seriously, whose idea was it to take a giant fiberglass head with lifeless eyes, add an honest-to-God sledgehammer for good measure, and then trot him out around children?
Sure enough, Purdue Pete was voted the creepiest mascot in Division I football just last year. If not for the name below, the same would be true for basketball. This guy belongs in Arkham Asylum, not a college gym. If you ever meet Purdue Pete, I recommend you Purdue Pick up the pace and keep on walkin’.
1. Providence Friars
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Finally, we’ve arrived at the most cursed white figure in March Madness history. And no, I’m not talking about Adam Morrison. It’s “Friar Dom,” the horrific waking nightmare that is the mascot of Providence College. Legend has it that with one look, he peers into your soul and feeds off your deepest fears. Also, he’s been known to kick over a sandcastle or two out of spite.
Ol’ Dom was part of a historic moment last weekend, as he took part in a stare-down with Richmond’s infamous arachnid WebstUR:
The PC mascot tends to make the rounds online whenever the Friars are in the Big Dance, for no reason other than his overall creepiness. It caused a particular stir in 2018, when Big Cat from Pardon My Take called it “a nun with AIDS.“
It’s truly nothing against Providence, or the proud order of Dominican friars that lent their name to the tradition. But there was simply no other pick for this spot. The freaky Providence Friar is easily the most menacing mascot in the Sweet 16.
That’s my list. What’s yours look like?
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