THE BACHELOR SEASON 23 RECAP: WEEK 6

What up? It’s your Bachelor Boi Noah. This week, we cleaned up the spilled tea between Nicole and Onyeka. Colton and Hannah G. get wrapped up in some giant ass leaves… and if you were still having trouble with names, don’t worry, they cut the house in half this week and I’m pretty sure half the girls left are named Hannah.

Week six started right where we left off with the tail end of the cocktail party where tensions between Nicole and Onyeka prompted an abruptly timed rose ceremony from Colton that 10 out of 12 of the girls probably didn’t even feel they needed to show up for.

As the girls walked into the rose ceremony, I pulled out my trusty ti-84, ran a quick calculation and determined that there were in fact 9 girls left empty-handed and only 7 roses on the table, leaving precisely two girls on the chopping block… and Nicole and Onyeka might as well have been standing there with their rolling luggage on the side closest to the driveway because their time had definitely come.

MOVING ON!!!

The first date card of the week went to Hannah G. Her and Colton had a nice spa day, which consisted of sitting in a tub of mud and having someone cover you up with jungle leaves. I got the feeling that these folks had a lot of junk left over from a landscaping gig and decided to open a spa with it.

Later on in the evening, Hannah G. did her “opening up” session with Colton where she told him about her parents’ divorce and her dad’s really obsessive lawn care regimen. (If you have to mow your lawn three times a week, then a wizard has cursed you and you need to follow the proper procedures to fix it.)

The group date this week was hella awkward. The girls were treated to a karate lesson and were then paired off to literally fight each other for Colton’s enjoyment, and it wasn’t exactly an M. Night Shyamalan plot twist that it spiraled very quickly.

After that everyone kinda settled in for the evening and just when you thought the date was winding down, Sydney just gets up and leaves just like Elyse did last week! It doesn’t say much for Colton that two girls have just gotten up and left in the middle of a free once in a lifetime vacation.

Taiysha capped off the evening by getting the group date rose, which was a surprise to me, but not nearly as surprising as it was to Hannah B…

Next on the docket, we had Colton’s 1-on-1 with Kirpa. When they called her up for her date card, I literally did not know this girl existed. All the words she had spoken up to this point wouldn’t have filled up a fortune cookie.

Probably the most shocking moment of week six came with the surprise Exodus of Demi. Demi was a bit of a firebrand and could spill tea with the best of them, but when she decided to go for it and tell Colton she was falling in love with him, she got hit with an unexpected “thank you, next…” It’s not all bad for Demi though, because I get the feeling that the last few weeks were a hell of an audition tape for the next season of the Bachelorette for her.

The fifth and final contestant to leave Bachelor Island was Katie, who decided to dish a little goss on her way out and was the 3rd person this episode to tell Colton that maybe, just maybe, some of the girls there weren’t there for the right reasons.

Colton rushed straight to the girls to inform them that he knew someone was still there who shouldn’t be and he was gonna get to the bottom of it. So we were left with a pot full of boiling hot tea and seven Bachelorette’s itching to spill it.