Why didn't Kentucky have this guy give the pregame speech against Tennessee?

We now know why Kentucky couldn’t beat those disgusting creatures from Knoxville. Vibes were immaculate out in the tailgating lots, but the energy couldn’t be matched in that locker room, unfortunately. It’d be impossible to match it, actually, because the biggest Tennessee hater in a fanbase full of Tennessee haters was explaining to the masses how he’s been allergic to the color orange for decades and takes medication for it.

When he doesn’t, he ***** himself. His body physically can’t take the sight of it, a one-in-a-million disease confirmed by the nation’s top specialists.

“**** Tennessee. We’re gonna win,” the fan rocking a Kentucky sweatshirt and ball cap explained to the crowd, wrapped around his finger.

Then things got wild.

“When I was a child, I had a disease,” he continued. “I had a mango, orange ****ed-up disease and I was ****ting — I had diarrhea, I was ****ting on myself. I went to a specialist in Cincinnati, he said, ‘Man, you got that mungo-fungo, one-in-a-million (disease).’ I was allergic to the color orange! When I see the color orange, I **** on myself! But I’m taking medication, so I’m alright now.”

Well, that’s good. We can’t have you ****ting on yourself walking through grocery stores or driving past citrusy vehicles. How do you go to the pumpkin patch or see the leaves changing during football season? What about watching the Cats on the hardwood — the jerseys are blue, but that ball isn’t?

Those things aren’t issues for him now, fortunately. Thank God for modern medicine.

He’s gotten the bowel movements under control, but his past experiences serve as nightmare fuel, unfortunately. The poor guy hasn’t had a good night of sleep in decades, thanks to those Volunteer bastards.

That’s why he wanted this one — and all of the ones against Tennessee — from the depths of his soul.

“I have nightmares about it, I ain’t had no sleep in 70 ****ing years! And I hate Tennessee,” he said. “Let’s play football. They’re the best team, but the best team don’t always win. We’re gonna onside, we’re gonna razzle-dazzle, all that crazy (stuff), and we’re going to upset the Big Orange. Let’s go Cats.”

The result wasn’t what he was looking for, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t give it his all.

I want to meet this man pic.twitter.com/6IVI22H5wr

— Mark Stoops Burner Parody (@BBN_Commenter) October 28, 2025

Build the statue, let him lead the team out of the tunnel with the Stars and Stripes held high. When John Short talks about great Americans, this is who he has in mind.

If Kentucky has a coaching search this offseason, he had better be on the short list. No resume necessary, just roll the tape.