What’s Up, Miami Hurricanes Fans … Are U?

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IN THE BEGINNING, CANESPORT CREATED A NEWSLETTER

Welcome to the new and very poorly reformatted Good Morning CaneSport! When publisher Gary Ferman asked me to redo our morning cheat sheet and make it “cool” I told him no way. Not because of the time involved in writing it, but because I’m just not cool. At least that’s what people tell me. So I told Mr. Ferman I was so against it that I’d rather interact with message board posters in person instead of writing it.

And yet for some reason here I am writing this. I can’t explain it, just like I can’t explain why Miami hasn’t competed for national titles in 22 years. Maybe this year will be different? More on that later…

EAT, PRAY, LOVE THE HURRICANES

As I continue in the days ahead to write this reformatted very poor man’s version of Good Morning CaneSport, I’ve decided to make it more of a personal diary.

So anyway, I had crabcakes for dinner last night, they were pretty good. And then I was forced to watch a show called Platonic on Apple TV.

I can’t afford to get fired, so I guess at this point I’ll throw in something about the Miami Hurricanes. There, I threw in “something about the Miami Hurricanes.” Happy, Ferman?

HEADLINES OF THE DAY

Well, the biggest headline is that my fantasy football team sucks. I finished with 63 points and wish I never drafted James Connor … or the rest of my team for that matter.

Other less important headlines of the day?

Well, yesterday afternoon we caught up with Mario Cristobal, Shannon “Awesome” Dawson and Corey “Scary Eyes” Hetherman. If you’re wondering why Cristobal didn’t get a nickname from me, by the way, it’s simply because I’m pretty frightened of him. Anyway, all three coaches gave us all their secrets about how they plan to attack USF this weekend. They even predicted how many yards they will have passing and rushing and how many points they will win by. Plus Cristobal gave his prediction for the team’s final win-loss record. You can read all about that on the front page if you want. More importantly, I am pushing the sports information department to upgrade the food production in the media room at games. That’s because last weekend I was horrified to see an actual media member roughing it with regular fans – ugh, am I right? – in the food hall section that I think some people also consider an overflow men’s room. Mr. Media Member brought back a sad looking hotdog and spent the rest of the game in the bathroom. I think. I was a bit too busy writing my stories to keep tabs on him.

Oh, and there’s some massive recruiting news, like totally brain-blowing stuff, which I’m not going to tell you about but you can read it on the front page.

We also share how Alex Golesh cheated his way to the top after taking over a team that was 4-29 before he arrived at USF. Yes, he obviously cheated. How else do you explain what he’s done there?

AND NOW … A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSORS

Today’s WHAT’S UP MIAMI HURRICANES FANS … ARE U? column is brought to you by Calmoseptine. If you are a USF fan, you are going to want to buy Calmoseptine before the product sells out, which will happen well in advance of Saturday’s game. Remember, USF fans stalking this site today, a butt whipping will aggravate that oh-so-tender skin in the buttocks region. So pick up Calmoseptine today at your local CVS or Walgreen’s to avoid the butt hurt that is sure to come by 8 p.m. on Saturday night. Mention CaneSport at the pharmacy counter and you’ll still pay $11.79 for a 4 oz. tube, but at least they will maybe go on our site and become a subscriber. And get this … for the same price of that tube a month you can get full access to this site. If you’re a USF fan, the time is now to become a Miami fan! And we’ll throw this in: You can basically get a tube for free with our $1 for the first week deal that includes a subscription to The Athletic. Does your USF fan site do that? I didn’t think so. Oh, and if you’re a Miami fan who by some unlikely horrible accident has a friend or family member that fell into a cult that forces them to root for the Bulls, go ahead and buy a tube for them. Remember, Calmoseptine is always going to be the best cure for a butt whipping.

TODAY’S DIVINE SIGN A MIAMI CHAMPIONSHIP IS UPON US

Yesterday afternoon I saw a weird looking leaf floating in the far corner my pool. It looked like a palm frond cut in half. So, naturally, I went over and pulled it out of the water without really thinking. It was for some bizarre reason heavy. And then started moving. Upon which I screamed like a Clemson fan who just watched Miami beat the Tigers in the ACC title game. You know, sort of a horror-stricken high-pitched squeal that people do who have not yet applied Calmoseptine to their buttocks. Yes, it was a f****** iguana swimming in my pool that had its face down and tail up when I saw it. True story, and yes the above photo is taken by me after the fact. It’s a little blurry because my hands were still shaking from the lack of Calmoseptine. And yes, it was a sign from the heavens that this year is the one that’s destined for a Miami title. Everyone knows that’s what a lizard in the pool means.

MATT’S CANESPORT MESSAGE BOARD VICTIM OF THE DAY

I am going to call this segment “MCMBVOTD” for short. And today’s MCMBVOTD is DreadLock. For those who are not familiar with Mr. Lock, he is the first human to successfully build a time machine. At least we assume that’s the case, because he started a thread titled “the 1986 game”. Dread writes “Was anyone else besides me at that Oklahoma game when Vinny set the consecutive completions records. That was the Bosworth game where we ***** slapped them all the way to Norman.” This was, of course, before TVs were invented, so only people in the stands know what happened. Shockingly several people responded that they were, indeed at the game, although several were likely lying. One in particular that was obviously not telling the truth was rivercane, who recounted in full detail his vivid recollections from that day. I know you don’t have a lot of time since it’s the morning and you have to get to work, but I feel I must post his entire answer.

So here it goes: “I was there – pregame coin toss was epic!!!”

Sort of the opposite of this horribly revamped Good Morning CaneSport.

DISCLAIMER: All names in this story have been changed to protect privacy, and most of what you just read was completely made up but some of it could have a basis in real or historical fiction