What’s Up, Miami Hurricanes Fans … Are U?

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IN THE BEGINNING, CANESPORT CREATED A NEWSLETTER

Fans have been begging me to tell them my pregame routine on Saturdays. And by “fans,” I am referring to absolutely no one, because I have no fans. But if I did, I would imagine them asking me. So here it is, and I’m sure most sportswriters do the exact same thing. I wake up early on Saturday, usually by 7 a.m., with a strong sense of foreboding that either my laptop will die during the game, I will die, the Miami Hurricanes will lose and fans will feel like they’ve died, or my game story will be so bad everyone who reads it will want to … well, you get the idea. A lot of foreboding. But really the main focus for myself and most other diligent Miami reporters is to get to the stadium four hours early so we can get the free food in the media room while it’s still fresh and plentiful. And “fresh,” of course, is a relative term. Because they post a sign over the pulled pork that reads “leftovers from last weekend’s Dolphins game.” But hey, it’s free. And it usually doesn’t make me die.

EAT, PRAY, LOVE THE HURRICANES

This is the part of the morning column where I’m forced to put in a promo for why you should sign up for a CANESPORT SUBSCRIPTION. But today I’m not going to do it. I’m a rebel. I’m not going to mention the $1 first week special or The Athletic annual subscription you get along with it. I’m certainly not going to mention how you get to join an annoying throng of message board posters that seem to enjoy telling me what a lousy job I’m doing, revelling in that more than watching Miami easily beat the Gators on a given Saturday. And I’m certainly not going to tell you that if my laptop dies, as I strongly fear it will tomorrow midgame, there won’t be many post-win stories on the site.

HEADLINES OF THE DAY

Well, let’s start with tomorrow’s biggest post-game headline, since I’ve already written it: “Miami Reporter’s Laptop Dies Midgame, Much To Delight Of Hurricane Fans.” Yeah, you would like it if I couldn’t write any more stories for this site, wouldn’t you? I know I would. But now I’m being forced to actually mention real stories on our site. So there was something about a closer look at a really bad upcoming opponent, comments from that really bad opponent talking about how their team has sucked so far but they for some unexplained reason think they can still turn things around, and there also are two very capable young people talking about the game on something called “The Countdown To Kickoff Show,” but which I think should be renamed “Two People Not Named Matt And Gary That Actually Know What They Are Talking About.” Plus apparently high school top prospects are still really important for a program, and we’ve got more updates on several of the top ones coming for the game … including a 5-star we catch up with.

AND NOW … A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSORS

Today’s sponsor is, of course the Lenovo IdeaPad 3i Chromebook Laptop! Because that is the cheapest laptop computer on the market at $149, and they sell it at Best Buy in Pembroke Pines. So when my laptop dies during the game, as I’m sure it will, I can just bolt over there and be back within a half hour to finish up my crappy stories on Miami’s easy win. The only issue I foresee is that for $149 the laptop does not come with a keyboard or screen. By the way, my fear of laptop death is well-founded because – true story – last year my laptop went total Matt Shodell mode a half hour before a game and I actually had to drive home to cover it off TV. But now I’ve saved up $149 so I should be okay.

TODAY’S DIVINE SIGN A MIAMI CHAMPIONSHIP IS UPON US

This one’s obvious, given the team’s one-win-at-a-time approach. Consider this: The Florida Gators have made a name for themselves this year with numerous errors in the two losses. There were 11 penalties for 103 yards in the loss to USF and five interceptions as the team fell to LSU last weekend. And do you want to know what the most historical event is in the history of Sept. 20 in the United States? Yup, you guessed it, the seven errors in one inning committed by Cleveland’s baseball team in 1905. So the stars are aligning on this one with the sign from above that there’s going to be a ton of errors made by UF. Oh, and by the way, Cleveland’s team was called the “Naps” back then. Which is another sign that this Miami win is going to be so easy it’ll have Cane fans sleeping easy.

MATT’S CANESPORT MESSAGE BOARD VICTIM OF THE DAY

Today’s MCMBVOTD is Titansfan, who for some reason is listed as a “Junior” message board poster even though he’s been a subscriber since 2015. Maybe part of his “Junior” status is his post this week titled “Repping the U in TN Vol country!” Or maybe part of it is simply his username – does he really like the Titans that much more than the Canes that he couldn’t have picked a more UM-centric name? But really it’s his recent post that is most problematic. Because all he posted was a picture of a car, pictured above. Is that even his car? Unclear. And why does the `U’ look crooked? Is the license plate even real? Is it photoshopped? Plus the perpetrator apparently has gotten out of the car in the middle of a busy road to take a picture of its rear. That’s like being at the gym and getting off your treadmill to take a picture of some hot person working out. It’s frowned upon. Fans on our message board expressed the appropriate level of outrage. “Love it. Where are you at?” Zeski78 asked with a heavy dose of irony. Miami-Canes07 totally ripped Titansfan’s posterior, saying “Badass bro.” And rauldayu totally made fun of Titansfan with his own photoshopped image replete with misspelling, which we now post below for your enjoyment.

DISCLAIMER: All names in this story have been changed to protect privacy, and most of what you just read was completely made up but some of it could have a basis in real or historical fiction

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