What’s Up, Miami Hurricanes Fans … Are U?

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IN THE BEGINNING, CANESPORT CREATED A NEWSLETTER

I’m hoping someone can help me out here. Because I’ve run into Sebastian the Ibis many times in my 1,000 years covering the Miami Hurricanes. Yes, it’s felt that long at times. And look, I’m a nice guy (sometimes). So I always feel the strange need to say hello even though the mascot is not allowed to talk to people … and as an aside I’m not sure why he/she/it can’t talk. I think they should train whoever is in there to respond to fans with a great Howard Schnellenberger impersonation. Anyway, here’s why I bring it up. Because at Canes Walk on Saturday a bunch of drunk dudes would yell “Sebastian!!!” whenever he/she/it walked in front of them. Think Taylor Swift or Gary Ferman level star power here. Which is when it hit me: Whenever I see the mascot I always say “Hello, Ibis” like Jerry Seinfeld saying hello to Newman. So am I pissing off the mascot by calling him by his last name? He can’t tell me. Anyway, that’s been bothering me so I’m glad I got it off my chest. Oh, and it also turns out that based on an informal survey 82 percent of Miami fans think the “Ibis” is simply a mascot and not the name of an actual bird out in the wild. What’s weirder is 85 percent of UM fans think “Sebastian” is an actual bird in addition to being a mascot. And 99.9 percent of fans aren’t aware that the real life Ibis (think bird, not sweaty college student in a costume) was chosen to represent the Miami Hurricanes because it’s the last bird to seek shelter before a hurricane and the first to return afterward. In other words, it’s a pretty dumb bird. So I don’t know who chose this bird as the team’s mascot, but we love it! I guess.

EAT, PRAY, LOVE THE HURRICANES

If you want to revel in Miami’s 4-0 start and make fun of Matt Shodell, then be sure to take part in tonight’s CaneSport Live Show. It will start at 8 p.m., and Greg reportedly already has several gripes about Shodell’s Resting Sad Face (RSF) medical condition. Yesterday we also heard from Mario Cristobal, who for some reason continues to work even though this is a vacation week. Apparently, and I didn’t realize this until I found out from a source yesterday, he’s paid by the hour. Oh, and did you hear the FSU game is a night one? Um, yeah, there’s that. Then there’s some stuff you can just skip over like reading about top recruits who had a great time at the game and love Miami, blah, blah, blah. Including a podcast with AI bot Stephen Wagner and local celebrity Gary Ferman. But you definitely won’t want to read AI Bot Luke’s massive truckload of information from the Miami basketball availability yesterday afternoon. Well, unless you’re a Cane fan. So yeah, go ahead and check that out, I guess. And you can read my film study look of Marty Brown’s outsized impact … and the Miami Tush Push. To do that you’ll need something called “a subscription,” and probably will also need something called “a job.” If you have the latter and want the former, then CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP and get the first week for $1 and The Athletic included.

AND NOW … A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSORS

Today’s CaneSport Sponsor Of The Day is … yes, you guessed it! … ESV Aquarium Products! Because, as the legend goes, Miami defensive coordinator Corey Hetherman was on vacation last year in, of all places, ESV Aquarium Products’ corporate headquarters main and only location of Hicksville, N.Y. Now, as you no doubt already know, there just isn’t much to do in downtown Hicksville. In fact, they don’t even call it “downtown,” but just refer to it as “that one weird light hanging in the middle of the street that turns red, yellow and green.” But I digress. Because Hetherman reportedly had gone to Hicksville to visit the Hicksville Public Library, which perhaps unsurprisingly is ranked the No. 3 attraction when you visit Hicksville. So there is Hetherman, driving his La Rose Noire Droptail to the library to look for books on how to get a defensive lineman to grade out above 90 percent in each of his first four games. Bam, all of a sudden he happened upon the ESV Aquarium Products store. Hetherman just couldn’t get the neon “ESV” store sign out of his head. Even as he browsed through defensive books at the library, all he could think about was “ESV, ESV, ESV.” That was when his eyes started to bulge out of his head and, as fans have probably noticed, remained that way to this day. Because it was his Eureka! moment that ESV can stand for “Excitement, Strain, Violence.” Now, we don’t condone that last part. But we do like Excitement and Strain, especially when headed to the nearest restroom. Anyway, that’s the true story of how “ESV” became a saying for this Miami Hurricanes defense. At least, we assume that’s how it all went down.

TODAY’S DIVINE SIGN A MIAMI CHAMPIONSHIP IS UPON US

This one’s easy. Because the Miami Hurricanes can steal the one thing the Florida Gators did right on Saturday night and use it for the rest of the season and perhaps into the future for ever and ever. What UF did right besides losing to our beloved Canes? Well, they provided a new piece of the championship blueprint Mario Cristobal already touts. Because in addition to his roster building through recruiting and the portal, plus how he’s turned the culture around in a big way, Cristobal now can steal perhaps the greatest new idea in modern-day college football. We know what you’re thinking: This generational idea is to provide better food for media so we will write more positive stories and won’t whine about the team on Good Morning CaneSport podcasts. But no, this idea is even better than that! Because yes, the Florida Gators are the first-ever known team (to me, at least), that had the championship-level guts to not give anyone a depth chart. And they didn’t just let us media know that with a whispered message, an apologetic email or in small print. They splashed it across the gameday flip card like they were announcing the Allies had won D-Day. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe it’s a bad idea. This could be the reason the Gator offensive players appeared like they had no idea where to line up or how to run a play.

MATT’S CANESPORT MESSAGE BOARD VICTIM OF THE DAY

Today’s MCMBVOTD is Cane thing 67. And he gets the ignominious notoriety for multiple reasons. First, he commits the cardinal sin of responding to his own post two minutes later. I mean, who does that? Just edit your original post. Or let it ride. The second issue for Mr. Thing – he’s one of those posters who thinks the headline is the first part of a run-on sentence that continues with his actual message. So we are forced to hover over or click on his header “What’s it going to take for UM to break” to find out if Miami is breaking or if the Canes are breaking someone or something else. There’s a word in the Urban Dictionary that actually describes what Mr. Thing has done here: It’s called “annoying.” So what is broken? Tell us! Tell us! Tell us! It turns out Mr. Thing is broken. Because the big reveal is “The bye week trend of losing and looking over relaxed?” Now, we don’t have to go into self-fulfilling prophecies, etc., but it just seems like this is not how I wanted to start my morning today with this kind of messaging. I have enough trouble ordering a Starbucks Venti Matcha Latte With Oatmilk And Four Pumps Of Classic Syrup. I don’t need to also deal with this kind of bye week drama. Oh, and his response to himself after thinking deeply about it for 120 seconds? That was “Although they did beat Louisville last year.” Classic Mr. Thing, am I right?

DISCLAIMER: All names in this story have been changed to protect privacy, and most of what you just read was completely made up but some of it could have a basis in real or historical fiction

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