What’s Up, Miami Hurricanes Fans … Are U?

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IN THE BEGINNING, CANESPORT CREATED A NEWSLETTER

You want to know what it’s like being a celebrity? Well, I can tell you from first-hand experience. And it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. For starters, no one knows who the hell I am. I mean, I do a Good Morning CaneSport morning show that no one watches and write annoying columns that only I think are funny. So I am therefore coining a new very personal term: anti-celebrity – that’s when people know who you are and want absolutely nothing to do with you. Although one dude did point at me very threateningly from like 50 yards away from the fan section at Canes Walk on Saturday. I pretended he was pointing at someone behind me. With that said, here is your Matt Shodell Advice of the Day (M-SAD): Fame and fortune is actually more like blame and misfortune.

EAT, PRAY, LOVE THE HURRICANES

If I was famous then people would probably listen to me and get a subscription to join CaneSport! But I’m just some Gary Ferman wannabe with a bad case of Resting Sad Face (RSF). It’s a real condition people! So pretend I’m Gary Ferman for now and sign up! You’ll get … wait for it … the first week for $1, an include annual subscription to The Athletic, plus a limited time offer of an invisible welcome gift in the mail! You can’t beat that, right? Oh, and if you’re wondering what kind of news we have for you today – well you can listen to fans complain about me on CaneSport Live last night … we have your re-run available … and Ferman will join Lamar Thomas for The Lamar Thomas Show tonight at 8 p.m. There’s also our “what we learned about the offense” through four games, written by yours truly. If your boss isn’t looking at your computer right now you can also check out Mario Cristobal’s recollections of the woeful roster he took over … and enjoy how far it’s come. Oh, and there’s something called “recruiting” that AI bots Luke and Stephen cover, and apparently Miami’s doing really well with that. AI Luke also scrounges around the fringes of the Internet for your Canes in the NFL Week 3 stats and highlights.

AND NOW … A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSORS

Today’s sponsor is … wait for it … the ACC! That’s right, the American College of Cardiology! We kid, of course, because unlike the 100 percent of Miami fans that actively hate the Atlantic Coast Conference, the league is going to be proving Cane fans (or perhaps just me) with some great entertainment in the days leading up to the Florida State game. I, for one, can’t wait for the new league-mandated Miami injury reports. And not just one, not just two, but an incredible three injury reports will be filled out leading up to games by whoever Mario Cristobal hates most that day. If this was a movie preview there would be a deep voiceover saying something like “He arrived at Miami never needing to give injury reports. He was happy. Even smiled at times. But then, in the blink of an eye, it was all taken away.” Oh, and here is the actual ACC release about it: “Before each conference game, a team will disclose any student-athlete whose availability for the upcoming game is in question. A student-athlete can be listed on the Availability Report if their status is uncertain for any reason (e.g., injury or illness, academic or other eligibility issue, personal or family matter, etc.); however, only the status and not the specific reason will be publicly reported.” Our guess? Mario finds a way to put every single player on the team on the report. Heck, he might include some reporters, too. But only the famous ones.

TODAY’S DIVINE SIGN A MIAMI CHAMPIONSHIP IS UPON US

Geez, people (okay, fine, “person,” since I think only Gary Ferman reads this). Does there really have to be a divine sign that a championship is upon us? Every single day?? OK fine here is one – Miami’s 4-0!! Nah, I’m just kidding. Today’s Divine Sign A Miami Championship Is Upon Us (TDSAMCIUU for short) is … and I wish I was joking about this … a millipede I can only describe as massive and scream-worthy crawling out of my garbage disposal last night. When I tell you it was as scary as Miami’s 2024 defense, that’s not an exaggeration. That’s something that for sure hasn’t happened to me since at least 2001, so yeah I’m going with that as TDSAMCIUU. It was big enough to ask for an autograph, but I guess it didn’t think I was worthy.

MATT’S CANESPORT MESSAGE BOARD VICTIM OF THE DAY

Today’s coveted MCMBVOTD is … DreadLock! No, he should not lock away his dread, because I am coming for him. His message board title was simple enough, “UM vs FSU.” But then he posted the 21 words no Miami fan needs to keep hearing over and over again. Yeah, you already know the words, so I don’t need to even type them. Fine, here you go: “Is it fair to say this game sets up as the biggest game UM will playing in the past 20 years?” The answer, of course, is yes! Well, at least since last year’s game against Syracuse with the playoffs on the line. Or maybe even this year’s Notre Dame game. Or, as CanesYankees pointed out, the ACC title game against Clemson in 2017 had some importance. But hey, Mr. Lock gets an F for Effort (`effort’ does start with the `F’ sound, so that makes sense, right?).

DISCLAIMER: All names in this story have been changed to protect privacy, and most of what you just read was completely made up but some of it could have a basis in real or historical fiction

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