What’s Up, Miami Hurricanes Fans … Are U?

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It was a nice, relaxing weekend for Miami Hurricanes fans, some of whom probably spent time reveling in an FSU loss. As a good reporter, though, I never take a day off. And I did hear from a source over the weekend that UM’s players all put in extra time on the Saturday they had off. Per that source, they really worked on eye discipline that day, although apparently it had more to do with picking which games to watch on TV as opposed to anything else. And the source might have been me. But anyway, now here we are just a few days away from the date everyone has circled on their calendar from back in those early fall practices. Yes, we know, the excitement is building! Because it’s almost time for our first ACC mandated injury report!! Will Mario Cristobal put every single player on it? Will he put himself on it? Will he put Corey Hetherman’s bulging eyes on it? I haven’t been this excited since Gary Ferman gave me this morning off from our Good Morning CaneSport Show.

EAT, PRAY, LOVE THE HURRICANES

Finally it’s game week, although it’s against a team that for some weird reason is named “Florida State.” Isn’t Florida A State? It’s just very confusing why a university would pick something resembling the State of Florida as its name. Even the University of Florida wasn’t dumb enough to add “State” or “Country” or “Hemisphere” to its name. We expect Florida State to be just as confused as its name when they see Miami actually has a good defense AND a good offense in the same year. The last time that happened was back in 2002, when Gary Ferman was a spry 68-year-old. So stay tuned today as we’ll be hearing from Mario Cristobal, Shannon Dawson and Bulging Eyes as they discuss how they think the Seminoles are too good to lose and have the most amazing offense and defense they’ve ever seen. Oh, and to hold you over till then you can either read Gary Ferman’s new column off the weekend’s games and Miami’s competition for a top ranking, some recruiting stories and our features from over the weekend or just chill out with a Modelo. There, I said the sponsor, happy Gary? There’s also a new Message Board Mania feature where I risk angering several Hurricanes fans. If you can’t read any of those stories it’s because you are too cheap to purchase a CaneSport subscription. And do you want people to call you cheap? We didn’t think so, so go ahead and sign up including the first week for $1 and we’ll throw in an annual sub to The Athletic plus an invisible Miami Hurricanes hoodie valued at $60.

AND NOW … A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSOR

Today’s sponsor is – you guessed it! – Hurricane Valley Eye Care. Do you have scary eyes like Miami’s defensive coordinator? Well, Hurricane Valley Eye Care has your solution! It doesn’t say it on their website, but you can either poke your bulging eye sac back inside your head with a fork or go see one of their health providers to get some answers for why it looks like you want to put every opposing quarterback in the hospital. Are your eyes scaring small children? Hurricane Valley Eye Care opticians work around the clock (well, from 10-5 most weekdays not including when the front desk person is at lunch) to make sure your eyes look like those of a normal defensive coordinator. Actually, I take it all back. It turns out they are located in Hurricane, Utah (yes, this is a real place), and maybe their name therefore doesn’t show they are true Hurricane fans like I first assumed. So just go with the fork idea.

TODAY’S DIVINE SIGN A MIAMI CHAMPIONSHIP IS UPON US

Well, for starters, the divine sign is that there is a place in Utah that I am assuming they renamed from “Buckeye, Utah” to “Hurricane, Utah” after seeing how good UM’s looked this season. And when the No. 3 “best thing to do” in Hurricane, Utah is listed by TripAdvisor as “Island Swing,” with a picture of a regular looking children’s playground, you know they don’t have much else to do but closely study football on Saturdays. So these ultra-knowledgable folks are throwing in their lot with the Canes, and that says it all. Unless they have poked their eyes out with forks and aren’t actually able to see the games.

MATT’S CANESPORT MESSAGE BOARD VICTIM OF THE DAY

Today’s MCMBVOTD is AmeriCane. Because he is going against what I have stated numerous times both publicly, privately and internationally – only post how much you hate this morning column so I can stop wasting my time writing it. Mr. Ameri titles his post “Matt’s article” and writes “Great article Matt funnier than you are in person but only because I can hear you saying these things in my head as I read.” Look, Mr. Ameri, the more people say they like it, the more CaneSport publisher “Gary Ferman” (name in quotes because I don’t think he’s ever told me his real name) tells me I have to write this crap. Oh and f*** you too, Slyweasle, for responding to the original post and saying “My first time reading your stories Matt, thought it was great!” I would, however, like to thank the several Good Morning CaneSport YouTube Channel posters who have called me an idiot and say I am too negative. They … get … me. “Gary Ferman,” you reading this? Or have you poked out your eyes with a fork.

DISCLAIMER: All names in this story have been changed to protect privacy, and most of what you just read was completely made up but some of it could have a basis in real or historical fiction

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