What’s Up, Miami Hurricanes Fans … Are U?

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IN THE BEGINNING, CANESPORT CREATED A NEWSLETTER

With Miami vs. FSU week here it’s that time of year when Cane fans either ignore or trash talk their “friends” who root for the Seminoles. So I dove a bit deeper into what makes these Tally folks tick, with an eye toward what any of us Miami folks traveling up there for the game can expect. And here is some of what my research found: Per TripAdvisor, the highest rated restaurant for fine dining within a 30 mile radius of downtown Tallahassee is a place called “Dunkin’.” The No. 1 hotel? That’s a place called “Ted’s Shed,” which in the reviews section says “This is just a shed in some guy named Ted’s backyard.” The top-rated car that Tallahassee natives drive, based on average salary is, of course, a bicycle. And apparently Tallahassee isn’t even a “real” part of Florida, at least according to all-knowing AI, which says “Tallahassee’s accent belongs to a dialect similar to those found in the Deep South, closely resembling accents in Georgia and Alabama.” While some of the above may have been typed up without my glasses on, I did put them on for that last part which is absolutely true. Also true after putting on my glasses: TripAdvisor rates the Tallahassee Automobile Museum as the No. 1 attraction … and you will find something called “Florida State University” as the No. 7 attraction in Tally. If you’re wondering where the University of Miami ranks for things to do in Miami, per TripAdvisor? Um, it’s not listed in the top 100 things to do … maybe because in a real city they know a University should not be listed as an attraction.

EAT, PRAY, LOVE THE HURRICANES

Look, you cheap bastard, will you just join CaneSport already so I can stop asking you to dump out your kid’s Piggy Bank (is that still a thing?) to grab the $1 for the first week you need to get this thing rolling? If you do that I can stop writing this part of my stupid morning column that no one reads and just irritates anyone who clicks on it by accident. We’ll also throw in a year subscription to The Athletic plus have a limited time offer to land a highly coveted invisible University of Miami tote bag valued at $1.99.

HEADLINES OF THE DAY

Mario Cristobal, Shannon Dawson and Gory Corey (Hetherman earned that highbrow nickname with all his ESV talk) spoke yesterday about how they have no chance of beating an amazing Florida State team. The coaches were all flabbergasted at how FSU somehow lost to Virginia, based on how amazing the Noles are. They also confirmed they will not be staying at Ted’s Shed when they fly up for the game on Friday. The great news? WR JoJo Trader and RB Jordan Lyle will play again this week after starring the last two games coming off injury (at least we assume they starred the last two games since Cristobal said they were all set to play, we didn’t pay that close attention). Cristobal also said he is sooooo excited to release an injury report prior to the game, as mandated by the ACC this year, that he might just put everyone on the team on it. At least he might have said that – again, I just wasn’t paying that much attention. It’s hard to do when you have to prepare for tonight’s CaneSport Live show while also proofing AI bots Luke and Stephen’s recruiting stories. Oh, and Gary Ferman also tries his best and fails to answer all your pre-FSU questions. At least that’s my opinion. Most of you probably think he answered them pretty well. There’s also my film study look inside the FSU offense, which makes me glad I’m not in Gory Corey’s shoes this weekend. Stay tuned today for more hyping up FSU from QB Carson Beck and other players after practice.

AND NOW … A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSOR

Today’s sponsor is … wait for it … the Tallahassee Visitor’s Bureau! Because they somehow made their own city look like the one place you’ll never, ever want to visit based on a city slogan of “Pretty. Unexpected.” No, we are not making that up. Perhaps the competition was “Pythons. Might Eat You.” But yes, “Pretty. Unexpected.” is the Tallahassee actual, real life slogan from somebody who probably proposed it as a hilarious icebreaker in his initial pitch meeting and then was shocked when the Tallahassee City board folks were like (in your heads use their Georgia/Alabama drawl) `Howdy there, lad, that’s pretty good.’ Yes, the slogan is literally telling anyone who visits Tallahassee that if you see something pretty there, you probably weren’t expecting it. In other words, Tallahassee’s own city government recognizes everything there is pretty darn ugly. Except Dunkin’, of course. If there’s one thing those folks up north have over us down here in Miami, it’s honesty.

TODAY’S DIVINE SIGN A MIAMI CHAMPIONSHIP IS UPON US

Hello, are you even paying attention? There is a massive asteroid hurtling toward the moon that is expected to hit it in 2032 (expected by me, at least, scientists seem to be somewhat less sure) … unless the world governments come together and blow it up with a nuclear weapon. Are you kidding me? You all know what this means, right? We only have eight more chances to win a national championship before giant chunks of moon rock descend on the earth like a bunch of errant Thomas Castellanos passes. And watching the parity around the country over the weekend this might just be Miami’s best chance before world destruction to win a national championship. Yes, it literally is a sign from the heavens that Miami is on track to win the national title this year.

MATT’S CANESPORT MESSAGE BOARD VICTIM OF THE DAY

Oh, I’m coming for you T-Dogg, and it’s because I’m always such a positive person and can’t stand your negativity. Yes, our MCMBVOTD is well earned, as Mr. Dogg (I’d rather have called him Mr. T, but apparently that’s copyrighted) started a thread titled “ONLY WAY FSU BEATS US IS.” First, we’ll start with the obvious. USE A COMPLETE SENTENCE, M***** F******. And STOP YELLING AT ME! Also, WHY ARE YOU FOCUSING ON THE WAYS FSU CAN BEAT US? Are you giving them our secrets? Oh, if I only had the $1 for the first week subscription to CaneSport I’d know what you are saying in this thread. Okay, fine. Mr. Dogg said Miami will lose if Carson Beck goes to bed one night and has a dream he is sitting on the toilet (I can’t use the actual phraseology because children read this). Okay, fine, he used the term “shits the bed.” I didn’t say it, he did. Even worse, a bunch of other posters followed up with numerous other ways in which Miami could lose the game this weekend. What is happening, people? Why so negative???? It’s not like giant pieces of moon rocks are showering down on us. Yet.

DISCLAIMER: All names in this story have been changed to protect privacy, and most of what you just read was completely made up but some of it could have a basis in real or historical fiction

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