What’s Up, Miami Hurricanes Fans … Are U?

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IN THE BEGINNING, CANESPORT CREATED A NEWSLETTER

As you should know by now, I’m using this top section of the poorly reformatted Good Morning CaneSport feature as my personal space, a diary of sorts. And today I’m finally ready to share a troubling incident from the season-opener at Notre Dame. Because it was the opener, and against Notre Dame, and a night game, all of us dedicated reporters arrived at the stadium some four hours early. Which leaves us all very bored for a long period of time. We usually bide our time by pretending to write stories on our laptops hoping our fellow writers won’t come up and try to start some inane conversation that usually begins “Hey, have you tried the watery pulled pork sandwich they are serving?” So I pretended for a while, but finally got bored and started strolling around the media room. An important side note here, by the way, is I’d just gotten back from spending a few days in Dallas. So I asked various media members if they knew what the Grassy Knoll was. Now, you reading this may or may not know, and I’d hazard that perhaps half of you do know. And the half that know are probably shocked that the other half doesn’t know. So I’d encourage you to ask your friends, neighbors and even degenerate USF fans if they know what it is. And I bring this up because my favorite response, and yes this was a real response from an actual real life reporter … was if it had to do with the ‘Noles.’ Hint: It’s not that kind of Knoll.

EAT, PRAY, LOVE THE HURRICANES

I’m just going to be upfront at this point. Look, either you are reading this because you are a Miami Hurricanes fan or it’s because your parents are forcing you to practice reading really bad stories. And I’m going to address this to the young ones whose parents are forcing them to read this (the rest of you can skip ahead to our Headlines Of The Day section below). No, really, skip ahead. Why the hell are you still reading this? I told you to skip ahead. Okay, whatever. Anyway, Mr./Ms. Young Person who has experienced a lifetime of very little Miami Hurricanes success, it turns out there’s a new study that shows the more subscribers we have the better the Hurricanes will do! Yes, it’s true. So when your parents aren’t looking go into their wallet/purse and take out a credit card. Then CLICK HERE AND JOIN CANESPORT. Make sure you take advantage of the $1 first week and The Athletic membership that is included. Remember, you are doing this for the betterment of the world. The Hurricanes world.

HEADLINES OF THE DAY

There is nothing more annoying than young people who are happy and have a lot of energy. Am I right? However, if you have the stomach to withstand that for like 20 or 30 minutes then you can tune into our Countdown To Kickoff Show. Fine, Noah and Dara actually do a great job and don’t annoy me too much with their positivity. If you want a much more miserable story we have everything they are saying on the USF side about how they’re going to lose to Miami and have no chance in the game. I even messed with the main USF reporter, Jason Stamm of Bulls Insider, sending him six ridiculous questions to answer about his team. My goal, of course, was to make him waste his time and then tell him we’d never run that nonsense and laugh at him, but Gary said his answers were actually good so I guess you can read that on the site this morning if you really want to. Plus there’s a complete look at basketball recruiting as New Coach Jai Lucas begins to build toward the future. And of course we have the usual assortment of recruiting stories coming your way such as a look at the storylines for the weekend including the top 2027 quarterback flying in for a look at the Hurricanes.

We’ll also have all your coverage from Miami’s thrashing of USF tomorrow, including columns, features, what Mario Cristobal and players are saying etc. So if you haven’t had too much Sugar Cane tune in for that post-game.

AND NOW … A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSORS

Today’s sponsor is, of course, PANCAKES in honor of OL Samson “Pancake” Okunlola. Players and coaches just couldn’t give him enough praise this week since he apparently isn’t just eating pancakes for breakfast but also small defensive players. And yes, we know what you’re thinking, his nickname is Pancake because he puts so many defensive players on their backs. But no, a little known fact about Okunlola is he actually believes he is the one who invented the pancake. It’s a long story, but basically he made this round, bready thing with his mom as a kid and thought he invented it and his mom didn’t want to disappoint him and tell him otherwise. So it became this thing, you know? And are you going to be the one that tells a 6-8, 400-pounder (we are guessing his weight since Mario Cristobal won’t list official weights on the roster anymore) that it really was Aunt Jemima or Uncle Bisquick that beat him to it?

TODAY’S DIVINE SIGN A MIAMI CHAMPIONSHIP IS UPON US

This one DEFINITELY is a sign Miami’s winning a championship. Because a defiant Mario Cristobal stared down a room full of scared reporters this week and gave them an actual injury report. At least we think it’s an actual report, we’re not sure it was really Cristobal’s signature at the bottom. But here’s what the coach reported using my AI translation tool off my tape recorder: “Everyone is healthy except Hayden Lowe, who is out for the year. And yes, that was my signature.” Guys that missed last week – Armondo Blount, Jordan Lyle and JoJo Trader – better known as “BLT” using their last names – are expected back. And BLT is not just a delicious and unhealthy sandwich … these three guys are also very unhealthy for opponents. So yeah, a championship is definitely upon us. As long as that actually was Cristobal’s signature.

MATT’S CANESPORT MESSAGE BOARD VICTIM OF THE DAY

Today’s MCMBVOTD is SeanTaylorsGhost, who started a thread titled “Can USF handle our OL?” That in itself is fine, although it’s a rhetorical question. The troubling part is his response to his own question, stating that USF is “going to have to handle a barrage of kilo class nuclear submarines.” Now, the reason this is troubling isn’t that he seems to think Miami’s linemen are akin to a “kilo,” which for the uninitiated is 2.2 pounds. That seems pretty easy to push around. Okay, fine, he said “kilo class,” but that’s even more troubling. Because that particular type of submarine is Russian and was developed in the 1970s. So let’s take a quick poll: (A) Is Mr. Ghost a Russian spy? (B) Does he think Miami’s linemen are Russian spies? or (C) Does he think this game could be the harbinger of nuclear war? The correct answer, of course, is (D) all of the above. Scary stuff. Hopefully the young kids have stopped reading by now.

DISCLAIMER: All names in this story have been changed to protect privacy, and most of what you just read was completely made up but some of it could have a basis in real or historical fiction

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