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IN THE BEGINNING, CANESPORT CREATED A NEWSLETTER

As we all know, this is no longer your grandmother’s Good Morning CaneSport recipe. It’s much, much worse. It’s your grandfather’s recipe. Okay, with that out of the way, and with the understanding from when this column began a week ago that this section is my own personal space, I have an admission. And it is this: I went to Dunkin’ Donuts for a non-donut breakfast for the first time ever on gameday, and got what they call a “wake-up wrap.” Now, I don’t do well with waking up or wraps, so that probably was a bad idea. I asked what they put in it, and I vaguely recollect a bunch of evil-sounding options so I went with egg and cheese. I got a side of hash browns, too. They said `Okay, that’s $3.70.” To which I replied, and I never joke about food, “Is the wrap size one bite?’ They said no, it’s not, but since I knew they were lying based on the ridiculously low price I got a second one. For $1.90. It was small, as it turns out. It also wasn’t good. And the reason I mention this is because, as I look back now, that wrap was USF: Small and not very good.

EAT, PRAY, LOVE THE HURRICANES

Last week I tried to PUT A PROMO FOR JOINING CANESPORT HERE by asking small children to steal their parents credit cards while they weren’t looking in order to subscribe to our site for the good of the Miami Hurricanes. Yes, I may have told those young, impressionable minds that UM’s team only does well when we have a lot of subscribers. So I would now like to apologize. Because what I should have said is after you steal their credit card you should also get CaneSport subscriptions for your friends and relatives. I mean, did you see Miami kick USF’s butt on Saturday? You don’t think you should share all the inside Cane info we have with those you love the most? So if you still have your parents credit card go ahead and sign up for all your friends and family members as well. Remember, little one, to click the box for the $1 first week and free included Athletic sub for the year. And if you already unfortunately snuck the credit card back into their purse/wallet have no fear. Just go ahead and take it again when they aren’t looking. And if you do get caught there’s no need to mention my name. That’s because there’s a magic name that if you say it they won’t be mad at you. So if you do get caught use that name to get out of it – tell them “Gary Ferman” told you to steal their credit card and you’ll be all good.

HEADLINES OF THE DAY

The major headline, of course, is that I actually ate not one but two Dunkin’ Donuts breakfast wraps and didn’t feel overly ill afterward. And I guess the No. 2 major headline is that Gary Ferman may be hearing from the police shortly. But if there was going to be a No. 3 headline, and it’s a distant No. 3 of course, I guess it would be our columns, analysis, coach/player interviews/video highlights/photo galleries/recruit reaction/Ferman answering your message board questions/blah/blah/blah off the USF thrashing. Oh, and today stay tuned for what Mario Cristobal, Shannon Dawson and Corey Hetherman are going to be saying about how they’re going to thrash Florida this coming weekend.

Plus in something called “recruiting” there is a new D lineman who visited for the USF game that has serious Cane interest. Plus we have a bunch of prospect notes that would interest people that for whatever strange reason are interested in the future of Miami football.

AND NOW … A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSORS

Today’s sponsor, as you may have already guessed, is The American Theatre Wing’s Master Class Series. Now, I didn’t really have time to research it all that much, but I do like the way they spell theatre (for those that don’t know, it’s pronounced “thee-AT-tray“). I’m guessing the class will focus in particular on the goal line one-yard TD pass which the team threw out of a revised wishbone. That certainly was master class-worthy. As an aside, while we don’t recommend children steal their parents’ credit cards for this master class series, we do recommend trying to find a username and password to take the master class for free (FYI I already tried the username “MiamiHurricanes” and password “CanesBeatGatorsBy30” and got a message that read “Lagway Error”, so don’t bother with that one).

TODAY’S DIVINE SIGN A MIAMI CHAMPIONSHIP IS UPON US

This one is obvious. Today is Sept. 15, which means we are EXACTLY one month from the most exciting day of the year. And it’s more exciting today than on that Oct. 15 date because isn’t looking forward to something almost always better than when it actually happens? For instance, I was really looking forward to my Dunkin’ breakfast wrap, and then not only was it only somewhat edible but it was gone to my digestive tract within 10 seconds. So yes, the anticipation is ramping up for exactly one month from today. Because … wait for it … that’s when Gary Ferman gives me a raise! No, I’m kidding, of course. Oct. 15 is the opening day of stone crab season, so that also marks the first day when we will be using AI to write all my game stories and analysis since I will be too busy putting out and pulling in crab traps. So how does that relate to the Miami Hurricanes? Well, it’s a sure sign that all the “trap” games are in the past.

MATT’S CANESPORT MESSAGE BOARD VICTIM OF THE DAY

Today’s MCMBVOTD is Michstfr. Why, you may ask, do we take this self-assigned SuperCane to task? Well, he started a thread yesterday titled “Do not take Florida lightly.” Now, this may in itself seem fine to you, the casual reader. But to me, the hardened reporter, I’m a firm believer that when you say not to do something all it does is get inside your head and make you think that you should, indeed, do that. Like when you tell your kids `Whatever you do, don’t touch that switch.’ And then you leave the room for five minutes, come back and they are crying from the electric shock they got while you were going to the garage to turn off the circuit breaker. So who does this MichsMFer think he is telling us to take Florida lightly? Because now that he posted not to do it all I can think is how we should take them lightly. Even worse, inside his message he posts to “be focused.” So now I can’t even be focused. All I can think about is those $1.90 Dunkin’ breakfast wraps.

DISCLAIMER: All names in this story have been changed to protect privacy, and most of what you just read was completely made up but some of it could have a basis in real or historical fiction

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