What’s Up, Miami Hurricanes Fans … Are U?

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IN THE BEGINNING, CANESPORT CREATED A NEWSLETTER

Coming off the win against USF and with the Gators up next, I’ve received a lot of queries from casual to hardcore fans and friends (well, I should say `friend,’ since I only have one). You may think they asked about the strengths and weaknesses I saw in Miami from these first three games, if they should take UM as a not-so-big favorite this weekend … or maybe if they can have a few of my freshly caught stone crabs with the season now LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY! But no, every single question I got was the same: “What do reporters do in the press box during a 102-minute mid-game lightning delay?” And the answer is we do the same thing most fans do – we go into the Hard Rock Betting App and see if we can cash out our bets early to make some money so we can afford the $15 hot dog downstairs, and after that we pretend we are busy looking at our phones so none of the annoying people we invited to the game with us try to start a conversation. If we do look up and accidentally make eye contact with someone we psyche them out by pretending we are going to make “The U” before we slowly instead turn our hands in the opposite direction and oh-so-slowly raise our middle finger. No, we don’t like each other in the press box. It’s like animals in the zoo. Do you think the four pandas competing for the same two pieces of bamboo want to hang out and chat each other up?

EAT, PRAY, LOVE THE HURRICANES

There is no better time to get a CANESPORT subscription. And you don’t just have to take my word for it. Here are some actual quotes from people who have CaneSport subscriptions that have spurred them on to greater endeavors:

“There is nothing to fear but fear itself” – Franklin Delano Roosevelt, looking ahead to a scared Gators team coming to Miami and reinforcing their need for fear

“Wherefore art thou Romeo?” – William Shakespeare, calling DJ Lagway by his birth name, Romeo, and wondering why he disappears in every big game

“Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!” – Quote from Dante’s Inferno, initially misinterpreted as a quote about hell but with scholars now positing it was meant as a reference to Hard Rock Stadium

HEADLINES OF THE DAY

Yesterday Mario Cristobal talked about how this Miami team can’t possibly win another game … I mean, did you see how good he says the Florida Gators are? Meanwhile, Shannon Dawson and Corey Hetherman didn’t get the message from the top, with Dawson predicting Miami will score 60 points and Hetherman saying he thinks the Gator offense is so bad that his D can hold them to negative points. Yes, apparently there’s an obscure rule from football back in the 1800s where if the defense gets a safety you have the choice to either add two points to your score OR deduct two points from the opponent’s score. Hetherman told us he learned about that in a really interesting way. You see, Hetherman is not just innovative in football but also in life. He realized with two eyes and two ears he can watch two TVs at the same time and process the information in individual aural canals. He’s trained himself to do that. And he told us he learned that obscure fact from CNN and Fox News both reporting on it at the exact same time. If you want to practice the process (known as aural dichotomy), you can put on a TV in your room tonight at 8 p.m. and then tune into our weekly CaneSport Live show at the same time. Oh, there’s also something called “recruiting” that has several updates on the site, and our AI Bot Luke v. 1.0 created a Canes In The NFL feature with highlights and stats. And Luke v. 2.0 has an update on a 5-star hoops star set to visit this weekend as well.

AND NOW … A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSORS

Today’s sponsor of the day is … you guessed it! Zoo Miami! Because how, on this week of all weeks, can you not like a place that keeps Gators where they belong – in a dirty pond of water with people throwing dead chicken carcasses at them.

TODAY’S DIVINE SIGN A MIAMI CHAMPIONSHIP IS UPON US

Do you believe in coincidences? I do, especially after my 22-year-old son unfortunately had my $100 bill fall out of his pocket on the very same day he was heading to the casino to gamble it as his limit. So being a good father I of course gave him another $100. Poor kid. But this one is not a coincidence: DJ Lagway threw as many interceptions last game as Miami has national championships. That’s definitely a higher power telling us something heading into this Cane-Gator game.

MATT’S CANESPORT MESSAGE BOARD VICTIM OF THE DAY

Today’s MCMBVOTD goes to HeloDiver, who we assume is a newfound Miami fan since he began a thread titled 9 straight home wins, writing “Let’s keep it going!” Now, why are we singling out Mr. Diver? Well, while we do admire his enthusiasm, longtime Miami fans probably aren’t going to be posting a home winning streak until it maybe passes 30? I mean, that 58-game home win streak wasn’t THAT long ago … okay, maybe it was. But you know how many other college football teams have home 9-game winning streaks? That would be no less than 49 other teams. Okay, fine, we made that number up. But there definitely are many teams with 9-game home winning streaks. Heck, I’ve won that many Ping Pong games in a row at my house and I’m not even very good at Ping Pong. As William Shakespeare perhaps put it best, “Speak not of nine triumphs in a row, for such a boast is but a babe newly born. Wait till the string of victories be lengthened, and then let thy tongue proclaim it boldly.”

DISCLAIMER: All names in this story have been changed to protect privacy, and most of what you just read was completely made up but some of it could have a basis in real or historical fiction

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