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IN THE BEGINNING, CANESPORT CREATED A NEWSLETTER

Let’s start off today by stating a simple fact heading into this weekends UM-UF game. And that’s regarding what Gators hate the most. The answer, duh, is crocodiles, followed closely by their only natural predator in the wild, the Ibis. As all Gators know, crocodiles are bigger, faster, smarter, and most importantly don’t have a leader who is constantly calling dumb plays on offense. Which is why I am constantly wearing my CROCODILE Lacoste T-shirt on our Good Morning CaneSport shows. Yes, you finally have learned the truth. Matt Shodell does not love the Gators, as the two people that regularly watch the show have asserted. In fact, I AM MAKING FUN OF THE GATORS.

EAT, PRAY, LOVE THE HURRICANES

Do you really need a reason FOR JOINING CANESPORT? Well, I can give you two. First, if enough people join I’ve been told this morning column will become pointless since it’s geared toward getting people to subscribe … so there will be the benefit of you starting your day without being annoyed by me. Second, and most importantly, we need to keep more subscribers than the Florida Gators site. Right now they have one subscriber, so maybe that doesn’t strike you as very important. But you never know when another subscriber might come along for them over the next decade or two. And we need to stay ahead of the curve. So spend that $1 for the first week we know you were planning to use as a downpayment for a Dunkin’ Donuts egg and cheese wrap and also enjoy your free year Athletic subscription with it.

HEADLINES OF THE DAY

There’s some stuff on our site today off yesterday’s practice about Miami defensive players saying they respect Florida, blah, blah, blah when we know they think they are gonna crush the Gators. There’s more this a.m. on the site from Akheem Mesidor. Heck, Rueben Bain is probably writing in his notebook right now with pictures of his teammates wearing Lacoste shirts. We also, as usual, offer you the chance to make a small fortune with our U Bet CaneSport show, and we have AI bots Luke and Stephen writing about “recruiting” with some supposedly not-made-up news on a ton of top guys going to the Gator game … including a 5-star surprise. Oh, did we mention Mario Cristobal also has some more to say about how impossible it’s going to be to win the game on Saturday night? Yeah, there’s that. Plus for good measure there’s our replay of The Lamar Thomas Show last night, which quite frankly I can’t find anything to poke fun at. It was actually good, so maybe give it a listen if you are jobless with no family and therefore have like eight hours free today.

AND NOW … A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSORS

Today’s sponsor of the day is one of the greatest Gator-hating companies in history. We know, we know, most of you are thinking today’s CaneSport sponsor is either Alligators Inc. Processing or M & D Gator Products. But no, because one company out-hates the Gators even more than Walt Kichefski. We are, of course, referring to Lacoste. Because not only are their T-shirts 100 percent Gator-free, but there’s also a delicious Sport blend of cotton and polyester so light to the touch it will let you outrun any reptile. But the real reason Lacoste is our sponsor is because Matt Shodell wears it and hopes this shout out will get them to send him a free shirt or two. Well, that’s one reason. But the bigger reason is because Lacoste GETS IT. They know Gators hate crocodiles. And it’s why they literally wrote on their website how much they hate gators, talking endlessly about why the prefer crocodiles over those slow, dumb distant cousins they refer to only as “Greg.” So stop telling me how my Lacoste shirt has a gator on it.

TODAY’S DIVINE SIGN A MIAMI CHAMPIONSHIP IS UPON US

This week there was massive news: A new species of mouse opossum was discovered. No, we are not making this up. It’s true. We assume a mouse somehow found love with an opossum – unfortunately children who have stolen their parents credit cards to sign up for CaneSport read this so we can’t divulge the exact details – and bam, new species. The reason we feel this is a divine sign of a UM title? Well, just a few years ago it seemed impossible to think Miami would have a roster capable of winning a national title, right? And we also probably thought it was impossible for a mouse to get it on with an opossum. So this is the year, folks! As a side note, a source close to the situation tells us in the event of a Florida loss that the Gator program is considering being rebranded as The University of Florida Mouse Opossums. That would mainly happen if, as expected, they play dead on Saturday.

MATT’S CANESPORT MESSAGE BOARD VICTIM OF THE DAY

Today’s MCMBVOTD goes to a well-deserving Cane50. Unlike Cane1 through Cane49, Cane50 is oh-so-scared of these 1-2 Gators that have looked pretty awful on offense the last two games. Who does he think he is going on our message board and starting a thread titled “I am a little uncomfortable for this game“? Does he think he’s Matt Shodell? I reserve the right to be that guy who is negative and squeamish and always worried. That’s my lane, Mr. 50, stay in your own damn lane. I eat `worried’ for breakfast, lunch, dinner and even for a small pretzel snack in the early afternoon (my blood sodium count gets low). I drink scaredy-cat juice Monday through Sunday and on a new day that will be created soon called StopTakingMySchtickDay.

His Shodell-style complete post reads:

I had all the confidence in the world that victory was ours in the first three games
This game is different because:

Rat Poison
Big rivalry game
UF will be desperate
They beat up on LSU, but for 5 picks it could have been a different story, they would be better off with Lagway on the bench.
Many people that I have respect think their D is better than Notre Dame’s

do I think we should win, yes I do. But for all the above reasons, this game can become a big problem and an embarrassing one.

Well, there you have it. And no, Cane49+1, you are not allowed to wear my Lacoste shirts.

DISCLAIMER: All names in this story have been changed to protect privacy, and most of what you just read was completely made up but some of it could have a basis in real or historical fiction

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