What’s Up, Miami Hurricanes Fans … Are U?

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For some reason this morning I feel like it’s finally time to take a quote out of context – something reporters never, ever, do – in order to see if you, the fan, are truly, well, a Miami fan. So here is your quote: “They’d been asking for it all night, and they got their wish.” No, the quote does not refer to reporters in the press box celebrating when the tray of cookies and brownies was replenished, although that would track. So have you put in your guess for what Miami player or coach said that, and what it was referring to? Are you ready to find out if you are a real, Pantone 158 Orange and Pantone 3435 Green-blooded Hurricanes fan? Well, if you guessed the quote came from the lead referee on Saturday night getting caught on a hot mike saying how he finally caved to Florida coaches asking him to help their team win by calling back a long TD run by Marty Brown simply because, apparently, Brown stopped to eat a small snack before mowing down Gator defenders you would be … wrong. Sadly. Because that quote would make perfect sense. In fact the quote came from … drum roll please … Mario Cristobal three days ago. Here is your full, non-contextual quote – “The offensive line and the running backs get after it,” Cristobal said. “We had an opportunity to lean on them. They’d been asking for it all night, and they got their wish.”

EAT, PRAY, LOVE THE HURRICANES

If you haven’t figured this out by now you’re probably a Florida State fan (i.e. not very smart). Because this is the section where, day after day, we PUT A PROMO FOR JOINING CANESPORT! Do you want to help fund Matt Shodell’s retirement and thereby get him to stop writing these silly columns every morning? Do you want to get his annoying mug off the Good Morning CaneSport Show? Well now is your chance! Sign up for CaneSport today and you will not only get some not-too-badly-out-of-context news but also a year included of The Athletic. And you can get the first week for $1! That’s a dollar more than I am getting paid to write this story! We also will throw in an invisible Miami Hurricanes fan pack that will arrive in the mail a week after you sign up. This is a limited time offer – make sure you do it before the airfare to Honolulu goes back up or I won’t be able to retire.

HEADLINES OF THE DAY

Yes, we are in the midst of what is colloquially known as a “bye week.” Which I thougth meant I’d be on vacation this week. But Gary Ferman clearly explained to me on Monday that “bye” is short for “goodbye to Matt Shodell’s free time.” Because he’s constantly giving me assignments, and today I break down what we’ve learned about a Miami defense that has taken on the persona of a DC who looks like he’s alway angry. And AI bots Stephen Wagner and Luke Chaney continue to think people are interested in something called “recruiting” and are pounding out stories about that … including a new commitment! They still are living in those pre-portal days, I guess. Plus Lamar Thomas for some reason lets Gary Ferman hang out with him and you can tune in to watch the show they did last night. Oh, and Mario Cristobal has a really good interview with On3’s J.D. PicKell. There are lots of quotes in there you can take out of context and tell your friends, so tune into that.

AND NOW … A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSORS

Today’s sponsor is, of course, Rat Poison! Mario Cristobal has apparently invested heavily in EcoClear Rat Poison Throw Packs. I mean, he’s constantly talking about his side hustle. A couple of examples from Cristobal: “I love the fact that we are doing a much better job of blocking out the (EcoClear Throw Packs) rat poison and we are focused on doing our job and doing it for each other and the University of Miami,” and “Buy EcoClear Rat Poison Throw Packs, they really work!” That last quote may be from the company’s website and not Cristobal. The benefit of EcoClear Rat Poison Throw Packs? Well, they are called “Throw Packs” for a reason. Because not only can you place them around your house, but you can also have fun chucking them at the rats as they scamper by! In fact, and this is not clear from the literature, but it appears the only way to actually kill the rats using EcoClear Rat Poison Throw Packs is to hit the rat on the head with a well-placed toss.

MATT’S CANESPORT MESSAGE BOARD VICTIM OF THE DAY

Today’s MCMBVOTD goes to LEE1106. Because he posted “Would it be worth it to offer Reuben Bain $3 million to stay his senior year with an elite insurance policy“? Now, on its face, this looks like a very good idea and a very good post. But the problem is we dove into Mr. Lee’s finances, and it turns out he only has $1,106 in his checking account. So how the heck is he going to pay Mr. Bain $3 million? It won’t reflect well on UM when he signs a contract with Bain to play another year and then says, oops, I only have as much money as Matt Shodell. But never fear Mr. Lee. You can still spend your money wisely. For $1,106 you can buy 48 EcoClear Rat Poison Throw Packs.

DISCLAIMER: All names in this story have been changed to protect privacy, and most of what you just read was completely made up but some of it could have a basis in real or historical fiction

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