Good Simmons Mailbag...

[dawgstudent]

Q: Is there any in-arena entertainment as effective as the Kiss Cam? Honestly, what's the longest you think you could be entertained by the Kiss Cam? -- Andy C., Bronx, N.Y.</p>

SG: Hours and hours. You can't look away. Instead of NBC running Leno for five nights a week, Jeff Zucker should have just bought the NBA's archived Kiss Cam footage from the past nine seasons and run it as a nightly show. Maybe you could have viewers vote on the three best Kiss Cam moments each show. And judges. Anything would be a better idea than a 10 p.m. Leno show, right?</p>

Q: Don't we, as a society, need to make more fun of Peter Cetera?
-- Eric L., Grand Rapids, Mich.</p>

SG: You're right. He was really the John Tesh of the '80s, just a reservoir of unintentional comedy. I mean, have you watched the "Glory of Love" video lately? Even the Logo channel would refuse to air it -- they'd say, "No, we can't, that's too gay." I'm convinced that one song caused Daniel-San and Miyagi to finally consummate their relationship. They just couldn't help themselves.</p>

For the Real World Fans...

Q: So, tonight I heard that MTV star C.T. was at Tia's, a bar in Boston. Regardless, when I heard this fact I realized that in my intoxicated state I would probably have gone up to him and said something that would likely have gotten me punched in the face. I'm a girl, and I still think he would have beaten the crap out of me. Still, I kind of want to make out with him.
-- Lizzie, Brookline, Mass.</p>

SG: That was the first installment of a new running segment in the mailbag, "And You Wonder Why We Think Women Are Crazy." I have high hopes for this one.</p>

Q: If Michael Jackson's memorial had ended with him jumping out of the casket and performing "Thriller," would that have been the best moment in television history? I think so.

-- Rick, New York</p>

SG: Yes! One hundred times over, yes! I will go one step further: Once I found out his body would be at the ceremony, part of me was sitting there for two hours thinking, "He's gonna jump out of the casket. He's gonna jump out of the casket." Can you name another celebrity in our lifetimes who would provoke this reaction? We are talking about a scenario in which A DEAD GUY WOULD HAVE JUMPED OUT OF A CASKET AND STARTED SINGING, and I wouldn't have been totally surprised by this. Hell, I was a little disappointed when the ceremony ended. Crap. I guess he's really dead.</p>

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Michael Jackson era! We will never see anything quite like it again. And maybe that's for the best.)</p>