Some things I know for certain about Heinrich Haarberg:
One time I was with Haarberg in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Haarberg goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Heinrich Haarberg! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'HeinrichHaarberg' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!
He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!
His poop is used as currency in Argentina.
He sweats Gatorade.
He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health.
He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!
I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury.
He sheds his skin once a year.
He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Haarberg!
I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.
Heinrich Haarberg is a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!
He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.