I'm one sick bastard so I found this funny...

dawgstudent · Sep 21, 2009

"I have become friends with. Alyssa is her name. We met through my sister. During our first meeting I thought there might be a chance with her due to some mutual flirting, but it turns out she is a lesbian, or bisexual given she has been married. At first I thought: "Lesbian, even better...threeeeeeesome!", but as is the case with all true life lesbians, there's always at least one manly one.I have said on here Alyssa is a 9, but in truth, she is more of a 7.5, but after some drinks she looks like a 9. She has some nice sweater hams and a body even Stevie Wonder could appreciate and I became fast friends, and I met her boy/girlfriend - Cal, which is short for Jennifer. It seems Cal was a huge fan of Cal Ripken and decided she liked that name better than her own, so she went with it. She also changes oil for a living at a local Jiffy Lube. Real butch of a woman. She looks like a young Vince Lombardi. They have been coming over to my place some to watch football, eat, drink and flirt.I was pretty sure there was a chance with Alyssa, but I was scared due to the Cal factor. I mean, I'm not one to have high standards, but Cal is even below mine. So they came over last night, and I had decided I was going to try something with Alyssa.We started drinking and before long Alyssa and I were flirting, and not long there after she started kissing on my neck right in front of Cal and whispering some stuff in my ear. What the hell, I thought, and I went for it. We were making out there on the couch, Alyssas clothes came off and my hands started to explore. Then I hear:Cal - She doesn't like that. Try rubbin' it.So I try rubbing it.Cal - Not like that, small, fast circles and be firm.So I do small fast circles and Alyssa seems to enjoy it.Cal - There you go. That's how baby likes it. Yea, now try two fingers and twist them around. There you go. Just like that.I glanced over and Cal's sweat pants are down around her ankles and she was working herself over while sitting in my recliner, and it looks disgusting. I have never seen that much hair on one. It looked like she had Bob Ross stuffed up there painting her ovaries and just his afro was sticking out, and she had these big bruises all over her legs.I tried to put that image out of my mind and went back to Alyssa, but Cal kept coaching me. "Pinch her." "Bite her." "Go faster." "Massage her butthole." "That's it. Yea. Baby likes that, don't you, baby?"I felt like a naked Vince Lombardi was sitting over in my recliner coaching me on how to run Student Body Right. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and stopped. I told them I felt like I was going to be sick and that it was probably due to the McDonalds hamburger I had plus the alcohol and I excused myself to my room. For the next 30 minutes I could hear them out there doing stuff to each other and then they left. I went out to clean everything up and there on my recliner where Cal had been sitting were several large do-do streaks. I have no idea how to clean that. I think I'm gonna take it to the dump, and I am done with Alyssa."

dawgstudent · Sep 21, 2009

"I have become friends with. Alyssa is her name. We met through my sister. During our first meeting I thought there might be a chance with her due to some mutual flirting, but it turns out she is a lesbian, or bisexual given she has been married. At first I thought: "Lesbian, even better...threeeeeeesome!", but as is the case with all true life lesbians, there's always at least one manly one.I have said on here Alyssa is a 9, but in truth, she is more of a 7.5, but after some drinks she looks like a 9. She has some nice sweater hams and a body even Stevie Wonder could appreciate and I became fast friends, and I met her boy/girlfriend - Cal, which is short for Jennifer. It seems Cal was a huge fan of Cal Ripken and decided she liked that name better than her own, so she went with it. She also changes oil for a living at a local Jiffy Lube. Real butch of a woman. She looks like a young Vince Lombardi. They have been coming over to my place some to watch football, eat, drink and flirt.I was pretty sure there was a chance with Alyssa, but I was scared due to the Cal factor. I mean, I'm not one to have high standards, but Cal is even below mine. So they came over last night, and I had decided I was going to try something with Alyssa.We started drinking and before long Alyssa and I were flirting, and not long there after she started kissing on my neck right in front of Cal and whispering some stuff in my ear. What the hell, I thought, and I went for it. We were making out there on the couch, Alyssas clothes came off and my hands started to explore. Then I hear:Cal - She doesn't like that. Try rubbin' it.So I try rubbing it.Cal - Not like that, small, fast circles and be firm.So I do small fast circles and Alyssa seems to enjoy it.Cal - There you go. That's how baby likes it. Yea, now try two fingers and twist them around. There you go. Just like that.I glanced over and Cal's sweat pants are down around her ankles and she was working herself over while sitting in my recliner, and it looks disgusting. I have never seen that much hair on one. It looked like she had Bob Ross stuffed up there painting her ovaries and just his afro was sticking out, and she had these big bruises all over her legs.I tried to put that image out of my mind and went back to Alyssa, but Cal kept coaching me. "Pinch her." "Bite her." "Go faster." "Massage her butthole." "That's it. Yea. Baby likes that, don't you, baby?"I felt like a naked Vince Lombardi was sitting over in my recliner coaching me on how to run Student Body Right. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and stopped. I told them I felt like I was going to be sick and that it was probably due to the McDonalds hamburger I had plus the alcohol and I excused myself to my room. For the next 30 minutes I could hear them out there doing stuff to each other and then they left. I went out to clean everything up and there on my recliner where Cal had been sitting were several large do-do streaks. I have no idea how to clean that. I think I'm gonna take it to the dump, and I am done with Alyssa."

8dog · Sep 21, 2009

dawgstudent · Sep 21, 2009

thus making it believable.

JimHalpert.nafoom · Sep 21, 2009

had to

8dog · Sep 21, 2009

poster on a message board?

DowntownDawg · Sep 21, 2009

[No message]

dawgstudent · Sep 21, 2009

[No message]

8dog · Sep 21, 2009

BigMotherTucker · Sep 21, 2009

birdZdawg · Sep 21, 2009

at Bob Ross comment.

AzzurriDawg4 · Sep 21, 2009

Leave me out of yall's little games.

AlCoDog · Sep 21, 2009

That was hilarious, and well worth the read.

CuzDawg · Sep 21, 2009

[No message]

hotdigitydog · Sep 21, 2009

Dear Connie , I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an *** that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I've tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. All of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy." Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the $*%%!!% remote is. Love, Dan

pDigital32Dawg · Sep 21, 2009

This sounds like it came straight out of "I hope they serve beer in hell"

Jackdragbean · Sep 21, 2009

And yes, he's going to hell if half of the **** in that book is true.

AlCoDog · Sep 21, 2009

That is what I thought of too, except Tucker would not have quit. He would have told Cal to get lost maybe, but he wouldn't have stopped.

Coach34 · Sep 21, 2009

gtowndawg · Sep 21, 2009

She looks like a young Vince Lombardi

When I describe an ugly woman I like to say a young Ernest Borgnine so I could relate.

gtowndawg · Sep 21, 2009

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1220628/

mjh94 · Sep 21, 2009

the bob ross reference is classic.

birdZdawg said:
at Bob Ross comment.

Shmuley · Sep 21, 2009

Todd4State · Sep 21, 2009

"We're gonna get a seal HERE. And then a seal HERE. And then run it right up the alley."

o_LandDawg · Sep 21, 2009

Think ill end the day on that one.

jackstefano · Sep 21, 2009

"Buckwheat in a headlock", but I lollzzd just the same.

Stallion4Tiiigaaahhhs · Sep 21, 2009

excellent

hotdigitydog · Sep 21, 2009

one legged girl.......That's funny stuff right there, I don't care who you are.......

beachbumdawg · Sep 21, 2009

effing hilarious

TilloDawg · Sep 21, 2009

Todd4State said:
"We're gonna get a seal HERE. And then a seal HERE. And then run it right up the alley."

Damn, I love NFL Films...great time to pull that out, Todd ! Well done...

hotdigitydog · Sep 21, 2009

Memphis Stone · Sep 21, 2009

I've always gone with doodoo, or some variation (i.e. maybe throw a hyphen in there) of the double o's. I think it has more impact.

I'm one sick bastard so I found this funny...

Heisman

Heisman

All-American

Heisman

JimHalpert.nafoom

Guest

All-American

Redshirt

Heisman

All-American

Sophomore

Redshirt

Redshirt

All-Conference

Redshirt

Redshirt

Freshman

Redshirt

All-Conference

Redshirt

Senior

Senior

Redshirt

Heisman

Redshirt

Redshirt

Redshirt

Redshirt

Redshirt

Senior

Redshirt

Redshirt

Redshirt