Merry Christmas
- Thread starter Deana_King_rivals106402
- Start date
'Twas the night before Christmas in Annie's Trailer Park
The goats had skeered away all the mice
All the maidens and relatives were laid up in the Sertas
It's time for martinis on ice.
My ex-wife Priscilla made her grand entrance today
Her long legs donning black fishnet stockings
I knew it was a matter of time before her lips hit the wine
An emotional clock tick tocking.
The cousins from Georgia stared at her as she prissed around the room
Shaking her money maker and clangy gold jewelry
She proceeded to get a tad drunky while actin' mucho funky
The usual Holiday Tom Foolery.
Uncle Wilber showed up with his new girlfriend from High Point
She asked to be called " Tripper "
Claimed she met the real Santa Claus in Alaska one night
When she worked there as one of them strippers.
Cousin Ellie and her husband Tab pulled up in a yellow cab
They were staying at a swanky hotel downtown
Claimed they lost their car keys amist the likker and the cheese
Their drunken laughter had now turned to frowns.
Aunt Bessie showed up with her Florida neighbor Jessie
Claimed he was a professional shuffle boarder
Aunt Bessie just laughed and said Jessie is full of crap
He's actually a wino slash hoarder.
This is the time to remember the reason we celebrate the season
Through life's clouds, sun, and fog
Merry Christmas to all the posters and jive time shade tree jokesters
Y Feliz Navidad.
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The goats had skeered away all the mice
All the maidens and relatives were laid up in the Sertas
It's time for martinis on ice.
My ex-wife Priscilla made her grand entrance today
Her long legs donning black fishnet stockings
I knew it was a matter of time before her lips hit the wine
An emotional clock tick tocking.
The cousins from Georgia stared at her as she prissed around the room
Shaking her money maker and clangy gold jewelry
She proceeded to get a tad drunky while actin' mucho funky
The usual Holiday Tom Foolery.
Uncle Wilber showed up with his new girlfriend from High Point
She asked to be called " Tripper "
Claimed she met the real Santa Claus in Alaska one night
When she worked there as one of them strippers.
Cousin Ellie and her husband Tab pulled up in a yellow cab
They were staying at a swanky hotel downtown
Claimed they lost their car keys amist the likker and the cheese
Their drunken laughter had now turned to frowns.
Aunt Bessie showed up with her Florida neighbor Jessie
Claimed he was a professional shuffle boarder
Aunt Bessie just laughed and said Jessie is full of crap
He's actually a wino slash hoarder.
This is the time to remember the reason we celebrate the season
Through life's clouds, sun, and fog
Merry Christmas to all the posters and jive time shade tree jokesters
Y Feliz Navidad.
Link.
GSO, just wanted to say Merry Christmas to you and those in the Triad. The holidays always makes me think back to simpler times. The downtown of Lincolnton is similar in size to maybe Asheboro or Lexington and each year the street department decorates it nicely. They've used the same decoration for years but it alwas makes the town pretty.
It used to be they would change decorations every few years by trading with downtowns of comparable size like Newton and Mooresville. One year we had a strange, rectangular, box looking decoration. It was yellow with red stripes and said NOEL. At the time I was around maybe ten years old and sold newspaper. None of us knew what Noel meant.
Just before dark, the paperboys would bunch up somewhere and talk before going home. the topic of conversation that particular day was the decoration. One of the kids looked like a bulldog. He was pretty tough and there was a rumor that he'd already pulled a hitch in the reformatory but I always liked him. He was someone you could pick at a little bit and he didn't seem to get mad. He came down the street to where all of us were and got in the discussion. He was probably a year or two older and one of these guys who always had the answer to some burning question, and we kind of looked up to him.
In my memory I can see him to this day. He sort of tilted his head to the side and said ""Where have y'all been? Don't you keep up with what's going on"? Then he said something that disappointed everybody. He told us there wasn't going to be any Christmas decoration, this particular year. He said NOEL was an advertisement for an electric razor and the town gets a kickback from it. Then he told us to always remember that money talks...that's the first time in my life I recall hearing the work "kickback" .
You'd mentioned snow. The last white Christmas we had, here, was 2011.There was about five inches. We also had snow on Christmas in 1962. My present was an army helmet, that year. I remember wearing it all day and no matter how tight I pulled the chin strap it still flopped around on my head, but it kept the snow off....It snowed on Christmans Eve and Christmas morning in 1969. I had two jobs (a rack boy and a gas station attendant) and I had a drivers license. I felt like a grown man. Since I've been an adult it seems like I've had to work every Christmas for years, including this one. I suppose we've all got to be somewhere.
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It used to be they would change decorations every few years by trading with downtowns of comparable size like Newton and Mooresville. One year we had a strange, rectangular, box looking decoration. It was yellow with red stripes and said NOEL. At the time I was around maybe ten years old and sold newspaper. None of us knew what Noel meant.
Just before dark, the paperboys would bunch up somewhere and talk before going home. the topic of conversation that particular day was the decoration. One of the kids looked like a bulldog. He was pretty tough and there was a rumor that he'd already pulled a hitch in the reformatory but I always liked him. He was someone you could pick at a little bit and he didn't seem to get mad. He came down the street to where all of us were and got in the discussion. He was probably a year or two older and one of these guys who always had the answer to some burning question, and we kind of looked up to him.
In my memory I can see him to this day. He sort of tilted his head to the side and said ""Where have y'all been? Don't you keep up with what's going on"? Then he said something that disappointed everybody. He told us there wasn't going to be any Christmas decoration, this particular year. He said NOEL was an advertisement for an electric razor and the town gets a kickback from it. Then he told us to always remember that money talks...that's the first time in my life I recall hearing the work "kickback" .
You'd mentioned snow. The last white Christmas we had, here, was 2011.There was about five inches. We also had snow on Christmas in 1962. My present was an army helmet, that year. I remember wearing it all day and no matter how tight I pulled the chin strap it still flopped around on my head, but it kept the snow off....It snowed on Christmans Eve and Christmas morning in 1969. I had two jobs (a rack boy and a gas station attendant) and I had a drivers license. I felt like a grown man. Since I've been an adult it seems like I've had to work every Christmas for years, including this one. I suppose we've all got to be somewhere.
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Cheerduck, a very Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year to you and the entire Cheerduck family. You are so right. We have many memories of Christmas. I will surely come see you soon.
Two days after Christmas and I'ma about to get sober,
My head feels like the rusted bucket on a front end loader,
The ham was a little undercooked, it came last monf in the mail,
I got chased from Walmart cause la toilet 'was' for SALE?,
The relatives used my Visa like a gal from Cleveland County,
Then abandoned me like Capt Bligh, of Munity on the Bounty,
As the drove outta' sight I didn't feel soo bad,
Bout 'volunteering' them all in'a group named GLAD,
Now I set in the trailer watchin the tree tilt over,
My cuzzin drives up on his ridin' lawn mower,
He'll be mad, ant our pal-a-bility will be tested,
Cause I used his name at Walmart, when I got arrested,
Now new years a-coming and the Airstream is ready,
This 'Tin Can Tourist Town' will rockin steady,
Wif blue lights and pepper spray and 'Tazer' wires a-flashin,
We'll ring in the new year in a most dishonorable fashion,
This post was edited on 12/27 12:20 PM by tatermommy
My head feels like the rusted bucket on a front end loader,
The ham was a little undercooked, it came last monf in the mail,
I got chased from Walmart cause la toilet 'was' for SALE?,
The relatives used my Visa like a gal from Cleveland County,
Then abandoned me like Capt Bligh, of Munity on the Bounty,
As the drove outta' sight I didn't feel soo bad,
Bout 'volunteering' them all in'a group named GLAD,
Now I set in the trailer watchin the tree tilt over,
My cuzzin drives up on his ridin' lawn mower,
He'll be mad, ant our pal-a-bility will be tested,
Cause I used his name at Walmart, when I got arrested,
Now new years a-coming and the Airstream is ready,
This 'Tin Can Tourist Town' will rockin steady,
Wif blue lights and pepper spray and 'Tazer' wires a-flashin,
We'll ring in the new year in a most dishonorable fashion,
This post was edited on 12/27 12:20 PM by tatermommy
I'd like to say Merry Christmas to you, too, Mister Lincolnton. I always enjoy reading your stories about growing up in Lincolnton, as it's one of those places I can only imagine in my mind, never having been there but once and that has been so long ago, it seems as if it was someone else or another time zone type scenario. The part of your essay that spoke of towns 'aswappin' Christmas decorations was really a marvelously marvelous surprise. I've just never heard of such, Mister Lincolnton, but it's good that the communities had enough grace, humbleness, and thoughtfullness to swap Christmas decorations, lights, and nativity scenes with one another. Maybe Greensboro, High Point, and Winston-Salem could follow this trust slash fellowship as such, and trade all that stuff with each other. It would probably take the Greensboro City Council four or five years to figure this mind bending decision of grandiose magnitude, as they seem to spend a great deal of time arguing about what to argue about. It reminds me of a Saturday Night Live episode when Eddie Murphy says, " Get me on up outta here, and take me to the hot tub, hot tub, the hot tub, hot tub. the hot tub, " or the time that Lorraine Newman chick is hitch hiking in Alabama and a pick up truck load of Alabamians stop and give her a ride on their way to the likker makin' site, all of 'em proposin' to Ms. Newman, who would up kicking a few where the sun fails to radiate sunlight, or the episode where Joe Cocker finds a thousand dollar bill on the sidewalk and winds up giving it to a dude that was playing his guitar on the sidewalks of Los Angeles,California, or the one where the feller and maiden were standing on the muddy banks of the Pontchartrain, she making dandelion necklaces and picking fresh juniper, while he stood magnitized and hipmotized with the radiant beauty, charm, and Southern hospitality the mint julep drankin' maiden provided.
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My Cleveland County News Years
Well you thought I'd be waitin' up when you came home last night
You'd been out with all them 'boys' and doing thangs that 'REALLY' aint right
But liquor and love get you mixed up and anything ends up fine
And don't go back to Carrboro with lovin' on your mind
And de-tour round ol' Asheville Town with lovin' on your mind
Dont stay out there on the town and see what you can find
Cause if you want that 'kind of love' well you don't need none of mine
So don't come home a drinkin' after havin 'other' thangs on yer mind
[ beat on the coffee table]
You cant take me anywhere cause our cars always gone
Many a night I've laid awake after a hang up on the phone
Cause theres one thought about you Hun' that I cant get off a my mind
You a standin on a table on 'singles' night a-shakin your behind
No don't come home a drinkin'...
No don't come home a drinkin' with lovin' on your mind
Well you thought I'd be waitin' up when you came home last night
You'd been out with all them 'boys' and doing thangs that 'REALLY' aint right
But liquor and love get you mixed up and anything ends up fine
And don't go back to Carrboro with lovin' on your mind
And de-tour round ol' Asheville Town with lovin' on your mind
Dont stay out there on the town and see what you can find
Cause if you want that 'kind of love' well you don't need none of mine
So don't come home a drinkin' after havin 'other' thangs on yer mind
[ beat on the coffee table]
You cant take me anywhere cause our cars always gone
Many a night I've laid awake after a hang up on the phone
Cause theres one thought about you Hun' that I cant get off a my mind
You a standin on a table on 'singles' night a-shakin your behind
No don't come home a drinkin'...
No don't come home a drinkin' with lovin' on your mind
On what date do you slow down slash cease celebrating the Holidays, Number One Ram's Fan, or any other viewer slash lurker that would desire to chime in on this life long mystery. Is it the day after New Year's Day, the day after Christmas, two weeks after New Years, the beginning of the ACC Tournament, the first pitch of Major League Baseball, the beginning of the World Series, or when would you say that you disembark from your Holiday Festivities ?
Disenchantment, misdefuzzlement, and a high octane does of discomfiberation was the general mood du jour when learning of Faye Clause, Santa's now ex-wife, all these defiberated adjectives can not cover the point spread of Shock Of The Year when Faye exclaimed something similar to the following statement, " I'm tared of livin' up in here in this igloo house, freezin' my tatas off eleven months of the year, so I'm 'apackin' my whale blubber bikini, whale blubber lava lamp, half the rice, and that day glow life jacket that's on the delapidated thang you call a fishin' pier, and I'm 'agoin' down South with Harold, " Polar Bear " Switchblade, and we're matriculatin' to Florida, Ireland, or some little island Mister Switchblade claims he owns off the coast of France. To hell with the North Pole. "
P.S. This next selection is dedicated to Santa and Faye Clause.
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P.S. This next selection is dedicated to Santa and Faye Clause.
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Prior to Santa starting his Reindeer Farm and Sled Building Company, the bearded one ran the Guess Your Weight booth at Paula's House Of Smoke and Mirrors, centrally located in Omaha, Nebraska. After Mister Clause had impregnated Faye, they had a bundling slash bumbling baby boy they named William " Why Not " Clause. When the reindeer Santa had raised from baby reindeer had grown and had the intelligence to pull one of them Clydesdale Wagons full of toys and stuff, they all hit the road with Rudolph, Bouncer, Pouncer, Fixun', Vomit, Kitchen, and a few more that I can't recall their names. Needless to say, Santa and Faye were shyttin' in high cotton for quite a few years. When their son, " Why Not " met a girl in Reno, Nevada named Melissa " Justbe " Crapstable, they fell in like cotton on candy. As I watched them accept the Citizens Of The Year Award a couple of years ago, I must admit it got a misty up here in the trailer when the Bob Barker looking announcer said something similar to this statement, " So greet our Citizens Of The Year, Why Not and Justbe Clause, the two bringing our community together with their peaceful, humble, and transcendental wavelengths."
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