<span style="font-weight: bold; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 0);">I picked out my favorites.</span>
_________________________________________________
Q: I'm 18 and just graduated high school. When my college decisions came in in April, I narrowed down my choices to Dartmouth and Princeton and had no idea what to do. Whether it's teenage indecision or my relative laziness, the only thing I could think of was your pure hatred for Princeton. So I chose Dartmouth. You, Bill Simmons, made the biggest decision I have ever made. Most likely, you will be responsible for whatever shenanigans I go through in life. Just wanted to let you know and say thanks.
-- Sam, New York</p>
SG: I couldn't be prouder. To think, I saved you from a terminal case of insufferable "dooshdom." Now I want to offer my services as the deciding vote for anyone's college choice. Wouldn't you watch a "Judge Judy"-type show in which high school seniors went on, told a "Judge" (in this case, me) a little bit about themselves, rattled off the colleges that accepted them, and then Judge Simmons made the decision? Then we could have moments like this …</p>
Me: "OK, we're back on 'Judge Simmons.' So Michael, you're debating between Duke and Princeton. You seem like a good guy. I read your bio. You like sports, you have a lot of friends and I enjoyed your essay in which you vowed not to get married until you're 40 because love is overrated. I was particularly impressed that you were the commissioner of three fantasy leagues, and that you were suspended four months ago for trying to organize a wet T-shirt contest with girls from your prep school's sister school. They called it offensive, I call it ingenious. Anyway, I can't let you attend Duke or Princeton. Everyone hates Duke and the list of insufferable jerks from Princeton is longer than all the other Ivies combined.</p>
"Therefore, my decision is this: I'm enrolling you at Rollins College in Winter Park, Fla. Maybe it's not Ivy quality, but it's a good school and you'll get to wear shorts to class every day. Also, every day when you're walking around campus you'll think you're a judge on 'America's Top Model.' Just trust me. This case is dismissed. And remember, folks, as always, it doesn't matter where you go to college, just what you did when you were there … and that the weather was warm. Until next time on 'Judge Simmons'!"</p> _________________________________________________ <p style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-weight: bold;">This question kind of reminds me of what SixPackSpeak.com is. We break no stories, don't interview recruits, don't cover games, etc</span></p>
Q: Simmons, you amaze me. You are either the embodiment of the American Dream or a sure sign of Armageddon. You write for ESPN, yet you break no stories, have no sources, offer little analysis. Instead you write superfluous pieces of fluff that are only your half-baked opinion, offer no proof and constantly write about the NBA, the Red Sox and Pats to the exclusion of anything else of substance. To top it off, you seem as mature as a horny, pimply 14-year-old. I don't get it.
-- Rick D, Saint Joseph, Mo.</p>
SG: That was this month's winner of the Backhanded Compliment Award, as well as a great quote for the back of "The Book of Basketball:" "You are either the embodiment of the American Dream or a sure sign of Armageddon." Why thank you!</p> _________________________________________________
Q: I am a die-hard soccer fan living abroad and agree with your theory that international soccer could take off in the States. But not everyone listens to your podcasts, so could you please make the same case in one of your columns so everyone can see it? I think it's important. Thanks and cheers from the UK!
-- T.J., Leeds, England</p>
SG: Sure. I'll do it in five short paragraphs and 500 words total. The theory goes like this …</p>
1. Americans enjoy watching the best (fill in any sport). We are elitists. That's why we like the Olympics, that's why we enjoy any finals, that's why we watch Wimbledon and the Masters, that's why we don't care about sports like the WNBA, MLS or arena football as anything other than a niche sport. International soccer plays into this. It's the best of the best. Hell, we even liked "The Best of the Best" even though Eric Roberts was the biggest star in it.</p>
2. The games zoom along: no commercials, no sideline reporters, no corporate tie-ins, no four-hour games like in baseball, no "takes 20 minutes to play the last two" like in the NBA. You can sit down for a soccer game and say, "I'm going to spend the next two hours watching this and then I'm going to do something else." Like watch more TV.</p>
3. Give credit to ESPN for committing air time in non-Cup years to elite international soccer tournaments like the UEFA Cup. I know that's how I started paying more attention. If you like sports, you cannot NOT get caught up in the level of play, the maniacal crowds, the intensity and tension and everything else. It's impossible.</p>
4. Widescreen TVs make it easier to see the field; HD makes it easier to see faces and numbers (and the grass looks green and vibrant); and better camerawork (and also more cameras) make the games more intimate. Now you feel like the players are flopping right onto your living room rug! Just kidding, soccer fans. Seriously, settle down. Jokes.</p>
5. International soccer never took off here for the simple reason that American sports fans had trouble following anything they couldn't attend in person and/or watch on television at their leisure. Now? We're turning into a sofa culture; since it's more expensive to go to games, many of us find it just as rewarding to stay home, save money and watch games on a nice TV. Throw in the Internet, DirecTV, fan blogs and everything else and you really can follow soccer from across the Atlantic.</p>
That's why, over the next decade -- starting with the World Cup in 2010 -- I predict international soccer takes off to a modest degree in America during the '10s. Not to compare everything to "The Godfather," but for America, the NASL was Sonny (exciting, impetuous and ultimately self-destructive), the MLS is Fredo (weak) and international soccer is Michael (the heavy hitter who was lurking all along). That's how this plays out I think.</p> _________________________________________________
Q: I need your expertise here. I was lying in bed with my wife one night and she caught me staring at her chest. My wife was blessed with large breasts (which I am thankful for) and she was wearing my Giants Super Bowl championship sweatshirt (that was not meant as a dig). When she asked me what I was staring at, I said, "What? You know I love the Giants." I instantly realized the wonderful double meaning of what I said. Can you think of another team that would have worked as well in this situation? The best I can come up with is the Twins.
-- Dave, New York</p>
SG: Those were the two best ones, with an honorable mention for the "Magic," "Jets" and "Rockets." (Also, the "Padres" and "Chiefs" are funny if you think about them long enough.) Here's a better question: What double-meaning team name would have offended her somehow? I see it as a three-way tie between the Grizzlies, Cubs and Packers.</p> _________________________________________________
Q: I'm in Hawaii for my fifth anniversary and reading your live draft article and had a thought. When they bring polygamy back, will you be my second wife? My current wife could handle all the sex, cooking, cleaning, and you could just have the responsibility of watching sports with me all day. Sound good?
-- Spencer, Utah</p>
SG: Sorry, Spike; I'm selling this idea to HBO and calling it "Big Love II: Super Creepy."</p> _________________________________________________
Q: What unmade movie sequel would you just know would be the worst sequel in history before it even came out? Use the following criteria: (A) Only one movie had been made previously (can't be part 3 or 4); (B) the original is well-loved by almost everyone you know; and (C) you will watch the original 100 percent of the time when it comes on TV even though you've seen it 437 times already.
-- Anthony F, Ontario</p>
SG: Good one. I have three runner-ups and then a final answer:</p>
Runner-up No. 3: "Big II"
The conventional Hollywood way to re-do it: Josh becomes young again; Perkins misses him so much that she hunts down the Zoltar machine and SHE becomes young again; she starts attending Josh's school, only by this time, Young Josh is already involved with the blonde girl; an awkward love triangle ensues. This would suck.</p>
Runner-up No. 2: "Rounders II"
Only because Damon would never be in the sequel, and the guys who wrote "Rounders" are too successful now to ever dare writing a Damon-less sequel. That means you're looking at a bad script with someone like Sawyer from "Lost" as the main guy. Not working. Although John Turturro just read this paragraph and signed on to play Knish without even seeing a script.</p>
Runner-up No. 1: "Heat II"
Turns out De Niro didn't die! He just went to jail, he just escaped, and now De Niro and Val Kilmer are planning more bank robberies and only Al Pacino (two weeks away from retiring) can stop him! Everyone would be more bummed out by a "Heat" sequel then the latest Favre comeback. I think the nationwide groan would be even louder, actually.</p>
The winner: Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee Sex Tape II
Even Hideki Matsui wouldn't watch this.</p> _________________________________________________
Q: My buddies and I returned home today with a few dozen steamed crabs from a beach adventure this past weekend that involved three cougars, two Hooters waitresses and a hotel room that could only be rivaled by the room in "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" or the more recent hotel room fiasco in "The Hangover." After watching four straight hours of the "Entourage" marathon leading up to the Season 6 premiere, we waited for the HBO content screen in anticipation of the "N for nudity" to appear. When it did, we were all thrilled and spent the next 27 minutes trying to figure out who it would be ahead of time (wagers were made and odds went off as such: Sloane 10-1, Meadow Soprano 4-1, Ari's wife 15-1, random Vince slew 1-5). When the episode ended boob-less we then argued about whether the chick Vince had in the Escalade might have actually been naked. As I sit here typing, I am looking at my TV realizing HBO has since changed the content screen to no longer say there is nudity in the episode. This should be either illegal or made good with one of the above three naked in a subsequent episode. What are your thoughts on this shafting HBO put on all of us?
-- Dave, Baltimore</p>
SG: Uh-oh, we're in range.</p> _________________________________________________
Q: I am a recent college graduate who is depressed with the fact that I am no longer in college, and that Kevin Garnett's knees are about as healthy as the current job market. To make up for that fact, I do exactly what I used to do in class at home now -- read the archives of your articles. One of the articles I came across was your 20 worst fans at a baseball game, with No. 1 being the a-hole on his cell phone. I am e-mailing you to say that I did it at a local minor league game a few weeks ago. The guy was so excited to be on Rhode Island public television, and I got so angry that his $12 seat was being consumed by such a jackass. So I walked up, took the phone out of his hand and threw it to the ground. The man was more confused than anything, which was not the reaction I was expecting at all. I am now no longer allowed at PawSox games for the rest of the season. They have my picture. I hope you're happy.
-- Brian F, Rhode Island</p>
SG: Yup. These are my readers.</p>
_________________________________________________
Q: I'm 18 and just graduated high school. When my college decisions came in in April, I narrowed down my choices to Dartmouth and Princeton and had no idea what to do. Whether it's teenage indecision or my relative laziness, the only thing I could think of was your pure hatred for Princeton. So I chose Dartmouth. You, Bill Simmons, made the biggest decision I have ever made. Most likely, you will be responsible for whatever shenanigans I go through in life. Just wanted to let you know and say thanks.
-- Sam, New York</p>
SG: I couldn't be prouder. To think, I saved you from a terminal case of insufferable "dooshdom." Now I want to offer my services as the deciding vote for anyone's college choice. Wouldn't you watch a "Judge Judy"-type show in which high school seniors went on, told a "Judge" (in this case, me) a little bit about themselves, rattled off the colleges that accepted them, and then Judge Simmons made the decision? Then we could have moments like this …</p>
Me: "OK, we're back on 'Judge Simmons.' So Michael, you're debating between Duke and Princeton. You seem like a good guy. I read your bio. You like sports, you have a lot of friends and I enjoyed your essay in which you vowed not to get married until you're 40 because love is overrated. I was particularly impressed that you were the commissioner of three fantasy leagues, and that you were suspended four months ago for trying to organize a wet T-shirt contest with girls from your prep school's sister school. They called it offensive, I call it ingenious. Anyway, I can't let you attend Duke or Princeton. Everyone hates Duke and the list of insufferable jerks from Princeton is longer than all the other Ivies combined.</p>
"Therefore, my decision is this: I'm enrolling you at Rollins College in Winter Park, Fla. Maybe it's not Ivy quality, but it's a good school and you'll get to wear shorts to class every day. Also, every day when you're walking around campus you'll think you're a judge on 'America's Top Model.' Just trust me. This case is dismissed. And remember, folks, as always, it doesn't matter where you go to college, just what you did when you were there … and that the weather was warm. Until next time on 'Judge Simmons'!"</p> _________________________________________________ <p style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-weight: bold;">This question kind of reminds me of what SixPackSpeak.com is. We break no stories, don't interview recruits, don't cover games, etc</span></p>
Q: Simmons, you amaze me. You are either the embodiment of the American Dream or a sure sign of Armageddon. You write for ESPN, yet you break no stories, have no sources, offer little analysis. Instead you write superfluous pieces of fluff that are only your half-baked opinion, offer no proof and constantly write about the NBA, the Red Sox and Pats to the exclusion of anything else of substance. To top it off, you seem as mature as a horny, pimply 14-year-old. I don't get it.
-- Rick D, Saint Joseph, Mo.</p>
SG: That was this month's winner of the Backhanded Compliment Award, as well as a great quote for the back of "The Book of Basketball:" "You are either the embodiment of the American Dream or a sure sign of Armageddon." Why thank you!</p> _________________________________________________
Q: I am a die-hard soccer fan living abroad and agree with your theory that international soccer could take off in the States. But not everyone listens to your podcasts, so could you please make the same case in one of your columns so everyone can see it? I think it's important. Thanks and cheers from the UK!
-- T.J., Leeds, England</p>
SG: Sure. I'll do it in five short paragraphs and 500 words total. The theory goes like this …</p>
1. Americans enjoy watching the best (fill in any sport). We are elitists. That's why we like the Olympics, that's why we enjoy any finals, that's why we watch Wimbledon and the Masters, that's why we don't care about sports like the WNBA, MLS or arena football as anything other than a niche sport. International soccer plays into this. It's the best of the best. Hell, we even liked "The Best of the Best" even though Eric Roberts was the biggest star in it.</p>
2. The games zoom along: no commercials, no sideline reporters, no corporate tie-ins, no four-hour games like in baseball, no "takes 20 minutes to play the last two" like in the NBA. You can sit down for a soccer game and say, "I'm going to spend the next two hours watching this and then I'm going to do something else." Like watch more TV.</p>
3. Give credit to ESPN for committing air time in non-Cup years to elite international soccer tournaments like the UEFA Cup. I know that's how I started paying more attention. If you like sports, you cannot NOT get caught up in the level of play, the maniacal crowds, the intensity and tension and everything else. It's impossible.</p>
4. Widescreen TVs make it easier to see the field; HD makes it easier to see faces and numbers (and the grass looks green and vibrant); and better camerawork (and also more cameras) make the games more intimate. Now you feel like the players are flopping right onto your living room rug! Just kidding, soccer fans. Seriously, settle down. Jokes.</p>
5. International soccer never took off here for the simple reason that American sports fans had trouble following anything they couldn't attend in person and/or watch on television at their leisure. Now? We're turning into a sofa culture; since it's more expensive to go to games, many of us find it just as rewarding to stay home, save money and watch games on a nice TV. Throw in the Internet, DirecTV, fan blogs and everything else and you really can follow soccer from across the Atlantic.</p>
That's why, over the next decade -- starting with the World Cup in 2010 -- I predict international soccer takes off to a modest degree in America during the '10s. Not to compare everything to "The Godfather," but for America, the NASL was Sonny (exciting, impetuous and ultimately self-destructive), the MLS is Fredo (weak) and international soccer is Michael (the heavy hitter who was lurking all along). That's how this plays out I think.</p> _________________________________________________
Q: I need your expertise here. I was lying in bed with my wife one night and she caught me staring at her chest. My wife was blessed with large breasts (which I am thankful for) and she was wearing my Giants Super Bowl championship sweatshirt (that was not meant as a dig). When she asked me what I was staring at, I said, "What? You know I love the Giants." I instantly realized the wonderful double meaning of what I said. Can you think of another team that would have worked as well in this situation? The best I can come up with is the Twins.
-- Dave, New York</p>
SG: Those were the two best ones, with an honorable mention for the "Magic," "Jets" and "Rockets." (Also, the "Padres" and "Chiefs" are funny if you think about them long enough.) Here's a better question: What double-meaning team name would have offended her somehow? I see it as a three-way tie between the Grizzlies, Cubs and Packers.</p> _________________________________________________
Q: I'm in Hawaii for my fifth anniversary and reading your live draft article and had a thought. When they bring polygamy back, will you be my second wife? My current wife could handle all the sex, cooking, cleaning, and you could just have the responsibility of watching sports with me all day. Sound good?
-- Spencer, Utah</p>
SG: Sorry, Spike; I'm selling this idea to HBO and calling it "Big Love II: Super Creepy."</p> _________________________________________________
Q: What unmade movie sequel would you just know would be the worst sequel in history before it even came out? Use the following criteria: (A) Only one movie had been made previously (can't be part 3 or 4); (B) the original is well-loved by almost everyone you know; and (C) you will watch the original 100 percent of the time when it comes on TV even though you've seen it 437 times already.
-- Anthony F, Ontario</p>
SG: Good one. I have three runner-ups and then a final answer:</p>
Runner-up No. 3: "Big II"
The conventional Hollywood way to re-do it: Josh becomes young again; Perkins misses him so much that she hunts down the Zoltar machine and SHE becomes young again; she starts attending Josh's school, only by this time, Young Josh is already involved with the blonde girl; an awkward love triangle ensues. This would suck.</p>
Runner-up No. 2: "Rounders II"
Only because Damon would never be in the sequel, and the guys who wrote "Rounders" are too successful now to ever dare writing a Damon-less sequel. That means you're looking at a bad script with someone like Sawyer from "Lost" as the main guy. Not working. Although John Turturro just read this paragraph and signed on to play Knish without even seeing a script.</p>
Runner-up No. 1: "Heat II"
Turns out De Niro didn't die! He just went to jail, he just escaped, and now De Niro and Val Kilmer are planning more bank robberies and only Al Pacino (two weeks away from retiring) can stop him! Everyone would be more bummed out by a "Heat" sequel then the latest Favre comeback. I think the nationwide groan would be even louder, actually.</p>
The winner: Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee Sex Tape II
Even Hideki Matsui wouldn't watch this.</p> _________________________________________________
Q: My buddies and I returned home today with a few dozen steamed crabs from a beach adventure this past weekend that involved three cougars, two Hooters waitresses and a hotel room that could only be rivaled by the room in "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" or the more recent hotel room fiasco in "The Hangover." After watching four straight hours of the "Entourage" marathon leading up to the Season 6 premiere, we waited for the HBO content screen in anticipation of the "N for nudity" to appear. When it did, we were all thrilled and spent the next 27 minutes trying to figure out who it would be ahead of time (wagers were made and odds went off as such: Sloane 10-1, Meadow Soprano 4-1, Ari's wife 15-1, random Vince slew 1-5). When the episode ended boob-less we then argued about whether the chick Vince had in the Escalade might have actually been naked. As I sit here typing, I am looking at my TV realizing HBO has since changed the content screen to no longer say there is nudity in the episode. This should be either illegal or made good with one of the above three naked in a subsequent episode. What are your thoughts on this shafting HBO put on all of us?
-- Dave, Baltimore</p>
SG: Uh-oh, we're in range.</p> _________________________________________________
Q: I am a recent college graduate who is depressed with the fact that I am no longer in college, and that Kevin Garnett's knees are about as healthy as the current job market. To make up for that fact, I do exactly what I used to do in class at home now -- read the archives of your articles. One of the articles I came across was your 20 worst fans at a baseball game, with No. 1 being the a-hole on his cell phone. I am e-mailing you to say that I did it at a local minor league game a few weeks ago. The guy was so excited to be on Rhode Island public television, and I got so angry that his $12 seat was being consumed by such a jackass. So I walked up, took the phone out of his hand and threw it to the ground. The man was more confused than anything, which was not the reaction I was expecting at all. I am now no longer allowed at PawSox games for the rest of the season. They have my picture. I hope you're happy.
-- Brian F, Rhode Island</p>
SG: Yup. These are my readers.</p>