Old head phrases

[Curby]

Tighter than Dick's hatband.

Hotter than 2 rats 17ing in a wool sock.

Hotter than a freshly-17ed fox in a forest fire

Colder than a witches titty in a brass brassiere, faced down in the snow

That didn't last no longer than a fart in a whirlwind.

Nervous as a ***** in church.

 

[Mts68]

You got a better chance of getting a limp noodle up a wildcat’s ***

 

[BreckyBratt]

Get your head outta your ***!

 

[ABiggerUglierJoe]

That’s the sorriest sumbitch that ever s**t between two shoes.

I’m as confused as a blind lesbian on a shrimp boat.

 

[M R DAWGS]

I'm so hungry I could eat the balls off a low flying duck.

He squeezes a nickel 'till the buffalo screams.

Hotter than a $2 pistol.

Tougher than a $2 steak

Colder than a cast iron shìtter.

On it like a duck on a Junebug.

She's been rode hard and put away wet.

They’re hitched but not churched.

Went over like a turd in the punchbowl.

He’s riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.

Harder than pissing up a rope.

He’s as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.

Couldn’t pour rain out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel.

She's so ugly the dogs keep her under the porch.

If brains were leather, that boy couldn't saddle a flea.

Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Lord willing and the creek don't rise.

That dog won't hunt.

This ain't my first rodeo.

“She’s so ugly, the dogs keep her under the porch” is a winner

 

[cowbell88]

17d up as a box of bream hooks!

hungry as a hostage

17 em and feed em fish heads!

lower than a snakes belly in a wagon rut.

couldn’t pour pee out of a boot, with directions on the heel.

Bless your heart (the sarcastic one not the concerned one)

 

[DawgInThe256]

For times when you don’t have the proper tools to work with…

Hanging sh*t for a point

 

[PhredPhantom]

“I’d rather have it and not need it than need it and not have it.”

Fighter pilot sayings:

“There ain’t nothing as useless as sky above you, runway behind you, or fuel in the truck.”

“He’s on a discreet frequency.” (you can’t tell him anything)

“Don’t pay any attention to him, he’s just an IFGO.” (Ignorant 17ing Ground Officer)

“A legend in his own mind” (Somebody who thinks he is a way better pilot than he actually is)

“He jettisoned the aircraft.” (He had to eject from the jet)

“Comin’ through at the speed of heat.”
“Comin’ through at the speed of snot.”
(Coming through very low and very fast)

“Throttles in the northwest quadrant” (maximum afterburner selected)

“6” (look behind yourself)

There are lots more - I’ll try come back later and add a few .

 

[Lowdog]

No matter where you go there you are.

if you aren’t early you are late.(my mother to me)

 

[Yeti]

He could tear up an anvil with a rubber hammer

hotter than a four balled tom cat

sun don’t shine on the same dogs a** every day

if he tells you a rooster dips snuff you can look under the wing and find a can

Couldn’t put his fingers up his a**if you sat him in a bucket of lard

busy as a one leg man at an a** kicking

down to the short rows

Walking in high cotton

 

[CochiseCowbell]

Colder than a well-digger's *** in Montana.

Smells (or looks) like the North end of a South-bond mule.

Chicken lay eggs, people lie down.

 

[DoggieDaddy13]

Smell bad enough to gag a dog off a gut wagon.

Hot as a sack of nuts.

 

[dawgman.sixpack]

Grinning like a possum eating shat.
Is the Pope Catholic?

eat sh*t and die

the famous one from the breakfast club where the vice principle asks the custodian ""do you want me to knock your dick in the dirt""

 

[jxndawg]

So ugly they couldn't sneak up on a glass of water

So stupid they could screw up a one car funeral

So broke they can't pay attention

Dumb as a box of hammers

Everything's at sixes and sevens (confused)

Do Baptists have buses (in response to a question that the answer is obviously yes)?

Hotter than a depot stove (credit to Jack Cristil)

 

[Lowdog]

A couple more
Hey (actually Hay), heck you are old enough to be oats.

F you and the horse you rode in on.

 

[horshack.sixpack]

If I tell you mouse can pull a plow, you just hook him up

If I tell you a chicken dips snuff, just lift his wing and you'll find the can

tighter than an 8 day clock

uglier than a train wreck

i wish I could buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth

 

[onewoof]

Busier than a set of jumper cables at a Mexican funeral

this one made me laugh for about an hour

 

[Colonel Angus.sixpack]

Getting dome?

 

[DawgNsuds]

quit pissin' in my boot and telling me that its raining
you're the one 17ing this goat, I'm just holding it's head (similar to the chicken one above)
you're so ugly, they had to tie a bone around your neck to get the dog to play with you
we were so poor my momma had to cut holes in my pockets so that I would have something to play with
we were so poor all we had to play with was sticks and dirt, unless it rained and then we had mud
we lived so far out, the sun set between our house and town
does a frog bump its butt when it hops?
too much sugar for nickel
she's so ugly, she has to sneak up on a drink of water
I'm so bright, my daddy calls me son

 

[skipperDawg]

She’s got an *** like a Georgia pack mule

 

[MaroonOldCrow]

My grandfather, when someone was starting to annoy him:

"All right now, that's how graveyards get started."

 

[We Men]

He could screw up a steel ball with a rubber hammer in an open cotton field.

 

[Boosh]

You could drop him in a jar of titties and he'd come out sucking his thumb.

 

[Boosh]

An old guy said this after taking a young kid around for the day, "If he had a brain, it'd rattle around like a BB in a rail car."

 

[Zildjan]

Proud as a puppy with two peters.

 

[Bulldog Bruce]

You couldn't pull a needle out his a$$ with a John Deere tractor.

Fine as frog hair.

He's got the IQ of a small soap dish.

 

[Barkman Turner Overdrive]

“Couldn’t find his *** with both hands”… For example, “Jeff Lebby is so dumb, he couldn’t find his *** with both hands.”

”Dumber than a brick back“...For example, “Jeff Lebby is dumber than a brick back.”

 

[dawgman.sixpack]

What are some phrases you’ve been told growing up…

“quit trying to tie your dick in a knot”
“Use your head for something other than a hat rack”
“ hook the chicken to the plow”

Sh*it for brains

Your *** hurts

 

[champdawg.sixpack]

He’s so tight ya shove a piece of coal up his arse, ya get a diamond back ina week

 

[ToxicTimberDawg]

That mosquito was so big he could stand flat footed and crank a Triumph motorcycle.

(He's so weak) he couldn't drive a nail through a snow bank.

so hungry I could eat the rice out of a dead jap's ace

 

[greenbean.sixpack]

“Couldn’t find his *** with both hands”… For example, “Jeff Lebby is so dumb, he couldn’t find his *** with both hands.”

”Dumber than a brick back“...For example, “Jeff Lebby is dumber than a brick back.”

Jebby is dumber than Forest Gump.