OT: The Mother-in-law question

[Seinfeld]

While I'm not typically one to ask for personal advice on a message board or really from anyone for that matter, I have an odd feeling that a lot of you fellas have been in a similar boat at some point in your lives, so I thought it would be worth asking...

So, the scenario is that I have a mother-in-law who thinks that she's one year away from retirement. In reality, all that really means is that she's one year away from being to qualify for full social security benefit and medicare. She currently has a fairly high paying but pretty demanding job, and her plan is to quit that in little over another year and to find a lower paying, less demanding one to supplement her SS income. I know, that doesn't sound like a completely insane plan, but here's the problem...

She has virtually no equity in her house, enough in her 401K to maybe last a year and a half, and no concept of saving money. In fact, she's probably been carrying a credit card balance for the majority of her life from the time that she first qualified for one. On top of all this, she's single and planning on staying that way so there's no other sources of income other than her own.

My concerns start with her own well being because I think that she's about to be in for a shock in about 15 months, but an even bigger worry is the fact that I feel like it's a ticking time bomb that's going to end up landing in my lap at some point in the future. So the question is... how have you guys handled these situations in your own marriages?

 

[Optimus Prime 4]

buy some long term care insurance for her... then an "accident" and you're good!

 

[Shmuley]

In your case, and it appears to be a special case, you need to be praying daily that she changes her mind about not getting re-married. That would be the absolute best thing that could ever happen to you (and your wife, frankly). Since she is a spendthrift and isn't likely to have anything left at death anyway, getting her re-married is the only way to go. Just need to make sure she goes after some old bastard that has never heard of a prenup.

 

[Jimbob Cooter]

2 things.

#1) It's not your problem. You can't tell a grown ***, old woman what to do.

#2) Grow some nuts. This crap:

but an even bigger worry is the fact that I feel like it's a ticking time bomb that's going to end up landing in my lap at some point in the future

....is unacceptable. In no way, shape, or form should you ALLOW this to land in your lap. I don't care what your wife says. Tell HER, not YOU, to talk some sense into her mother, get her life together, and that she won't be there to help bail her out of stupid financial decisions. Your wife should be on the same page with you. If she's not, she's stupid.

This is not a health issue that she cannot help. It's an issue brought upon her by her own decisions.

 

[GetReal.sixpack]

What does your wife say about it? Is she wanting her mom to move in with you? I'd sit Momma bear down and discuss her finances. My mom didn't make good money until my parents divorced and she had to make that $. She pretty much knows she'll be working forever. Lady needs a reality check or you'll be paying her bills soon.

 

[615dawg]

I believe the acceptable term is now "Grow some Girodos."

 

[Seinfeld]

I don't disagree with either of your points, Jimbob

and quite frankly, that's the approach I've been taking for the last few years from the time that I realized how big of a mess she was truly in. I've always been an you reap what you sow kind of guy and if you don't take the time to plant any seeds, it's tough **** for you. The problem, though, is that while I can beat my chest all I want and say that it's her issue, the reality is that she's going to be too old or unhealthy to work one day, and she's not going to have enough money to support herself. So for the average joe, I'd look at them and say "I hate it for ya". When it's your wife's mother, that **** ain't gonna fly.

Anyway, I 100% agree that right now she's just going to have to work longer than she thought or figure something else out, but eventually... it will be a health issue. That's when the bomb's going to go off

 

[Jimbob Cooter]

the reality is that she's going to be too old or unhealthy to work one day, and she's not going to have enough money to support herself.

This is probably going to be an issue for many of our parents. The idiot baby boomer generation. None of them took care of themselves financially it seems. On top of that, all these companies are going to yank their pensions and then they won't have **** because they didn't save a dime of their own money. Parents have damn near become the children.

 

[Seinfeld]

Luckily, no... my wife has no interest in her ever moving in with us and that's one area that would simply not be an option even if she did. The two of them can't be together for 10 minutes before the MIL is telling my wife something that she's doing wrong or that she shouldn't be eating. I know that isn't exactly atypical for a mom and daughter, but I swear it's like she gets enjoyment out of riling my her up.

 

[Irondawg]

Seinfeld - you do indeed have a problem assuming the wife actually likes her mom and would be the kind to take care of her regardless. Which is probably the case.

My suggestion would be to have her see a money manager that has some speciality in retirement planning. Have your wife encourage this and make your wife go with her. You should be able to get some recommendations from some friends.

Somebody needs to help her lay out her finances and come to her own realization that she's either has or will eventually have some financial issues if things don't change. People tend to take that kind of advice better for pros than family members.

 

[gtowndawg]

Holy crap? Is this my brother in law? I thought you were a Tennessee fan???

In all seriousness, you just described my mother in law. It's so close it's scary. "Early retirement", got a lesser job to supplement, credit card debt her whole life, not much in 401k, single (and will always be single) and she has some equity in her home but it's not in a good area any more so the value just keeps going down so the equity she does have is not much.

But mine is so hard headed (God lover her) there is nothing I can say that will have any impact whatsover so I just don't say a word.

 

[patdog]

You're right that this is going to be a major problem for a lot of people. And not just the boomer generation, but the later ones too. The time to start saving for retirement is the day you start working. Contributing enough to get the full match on your 401(k) is not optional. And don't even think about cashing out when you change jobs. Also, get your house paid off BEFORE you retire.

 

[CochiseCowbell]

I believe the acceptable term is now "Grow some Girodos."

+1. Or rather +2 for each Girodo.

 

[Wooly17er]

I think the best way to get your point across would be to put on a loose fitting t-shirt (preferably pink) with no underpants...then, after you get finished making your point while standing in the doorway, gently flick the top part of your shirt up as you walk away - leaving your mother-in-law standing there to see your bare bottom.

ETA: What were you saying?

 

[WrapItDog]

From the MSU Extension Center

Plant two Girodo seeds in a mound with full sun in late February. Under optimal conditions the plants will flourish in late May-June producing denim fruit.

 

[mstateglfr]

Does she live near you currently and do you use a financial planner?

If so, set up a meeting for her. Its the best thing you can do because the advice will come from a 3rd party who is emotionless to the situation and has no history.
Her financial future can be laid out right in front of her- future SS money, projected healthcare costs, 401K money, and costs to maintain current lifestyle.

You and your wife could be in on the meeting or stay away- I could see either being beneficial.





Personally, I dred the day my father in law dies for more than just missing him and the grieving of my wife and kids- my mother in law not only doesnt know a single thing about their finances, she actively avoids it and gets all sorts of nervous when money is discussed. Its like she becomes embarrassed, even when its not her finances that are being discussed...like its a taboo subject.
She is going to he totally useless, have no idea where money is or how to access it, and even less of an idea for what should be done with the money.



Good luck!

 

[Dawg Jurist]

Bring me the girl from your avatar, and I will support your mother-in-law for the rest of her life.

Unless your relationship with your mother-in-law is something special, you can’t talk to her about this on your own. You need to talk to your wife (and have her talk to her siblings if there are any) about this.

A lot of people retire thinking they can make it on SS only to find out they cannot, and then they end up having to be a Wal-Mart greeter to buy food.

Your wife needs to initiate the conversation, and then you can participate if MIL is comfortable with that. The best thing your wife can do is convince her mother to sit down with a financial professional before she actually does anything. When you see your income and outgo in black and white, it has a way of registering with you. Especially from a disinterested third party. Be sure she discloses everything, including credit card debt.

If she really wants to retire, she needs to be on a budget. She also needs to check to be sure she’ll actually be able to get a job to supplement her SS, as jobs aren’t growing on trees these days.

Good luck.

 

[coach66]

I spent years and a couple hundred thousand dollars trying to fix my in laws

problems. Result, I mostly fixed it but they hate me now. I would stay out of it.

 

[dawgstudent]

I have problems. You can fix mine for half the price of your in-laws. Where do I pick up the check?

 

[harrydawg.sixpack]

we are going to need some pics of the mother in law in order to put a dollar amount on this deal.....

 

[coach66]

Not a problem but I'm gonna need to adjust the interest rate for SixPacker's

youshitoutofluckku

 

[DawgatAuburn]

we are going to need some pics of the mother in law in order to put a dollar amount on this deal.....

MILILF?

 

[WilCoDawg]

TRUTH!

Does she live near you currently and do you use a financial planner?

If so, set up a meeting for her. Its the best thing you can do because the advice will come from a 3rd party who is emotionless to the situation and has no history.
Her financial future can be laid out right in front of her- future SS money, projected healthcare costs, 401K money, and costs to maintain current lifestyle.

You and your wife could be in on the meeting or stay away- I could see either being beneficial.

Go make this happen! Too many fools out there trying to heal themselves or representing themselves in court (metaphorically). Why risk your future trying to be a DIY'er and risk not being prepared just to save a few bucks? Never understood that thinking.

 

[615dawg]

Make sure you do a follow up post

You are me minus 5 years.

My in-laws in their late 50s have mounds of debt, nothing to show for it, and are planning their retirement in about five years. My wife and I currently have about 7 times the retirement that they do, and we are in our early 30s.

Its that generation, man. Live large all the time and worry about now, not tomorrow. Want a boat? Finance it. Want a bigger boat, re-mortgage the house and cash out. They talk about retiring to Florida and globetrotting like its just a right to do that.

My parents aren't much better. But everything my older brother touches turns to gold, so they have had good advice through the past few years - I think they will make it, but won't have much left over.

 

[thatsbaseball]

I`ll put this in the strongest terms possible. Whatever you do for your MIL ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS make sure that everybody understands that you are doing it because you want to and you`re in control of the situation. The day you let your wife and MIL think you`re doing it as an obligation/marriage saver and they sense any weakness on you part you are 17ed. Always make sure you let them know the day taking care of MIL starts dominating yours and your wife`s marriage....MIL`s got to go. Whatever you do keep the ball in your court.

 

[thatsbaseball]

Counted mine up the other day and stopped at a hundred and a half. Everything we`ve done for them has been taken for granted. It`s pretty brutal.

 

[Seinfeld]

I appreciate all the advice.

I've decided that my first step is going to be to get her to go see a retirement specialist. I'll offer to go with her if she wants me there, and if he does nothing more than scare the **** out of her, I think it will be money well spent. She needs a shock because one's coming sooner or later, and I'd rather it be now than when she shows up to our house one day and tells us that she's quit her job.

Things are about to get interesting...

 

[Shmuley]

Maybe you can hook her up with the financial adviser. /noprenupku

 

[Wicked Pissah]

If she has decent tits, sign her up with match.com

it is what i did

 

[The Peeper]

Introduce her to Helen in Clinton..........