MSU Fan: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.</p>
(The Croom does not respond.)</p>
MSU Fan: 'Ello, Coach?</p>
Croom: What do you mean "Coach"?</p>
MSU Fan: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!</p>
Croom: We're closin' for lunch.</p>
MSU Fan: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this offense that I purchased not five years ago from this very boutique.</p>
Croom: Oh yes, the, uh, the West Coast...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?</p>
MSU Fan: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!</p>
Croom: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's working.</p>
MSU Fan: Look, matey, I know a dead offense when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.</p>
Croom: No no he's not dead, he's, he's workin'! Remarkable offense, the West Coast, idn'it, ay? Beautiful passing game!</p>
MSU Fan: The passing game don't enter into it. It's stone dead.</p>
Croom: Nononono, no, no! 'E's working!</p>
MSU Fan: All right then, if he's working, I'll wake him up! 'Ello, Mister West Coast Offense! I've got a lovely touchdown for you if you show...</p>
(Croom calls a tailback dive)</p>
Croom: There, he moved!</p>
MSU Fan: No, he didn't, that was you just calling a tailback dive!</p>
Croom: I never!!</p>
MSU Fan: Yes, you did!</p>
Croom: I never, never did anything...</p>
MSU Fan: (yelling) 'ELLO OFFENSE!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your fifth year alarm call!</p>
(Takes playbook out and thumps it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)</p>
MSU Fan: Now that's what I call a dead offense.</p>
Croom: No, no.....No, 'e's improving!</p>
MSU Fan: IMPROVING?!?</p>
Croom: Yeah! You're just blind, 'e was wakin' up! West Coast Offenses take time, major.</p>
MSU Fan: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That offense is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not five years ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged stint under Jackie.</p>
Croom: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the NFL.</p>
MSU Fan: PININ' for the NFL?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got into Davis Wade?</p>
Croom: The West Coast prefers keepin' on its back! Remarkable offense, id'nit, squire? Lovely passing game!</p>
MSU Fan: Look, I took the liberty of examining that offense on a message board, and I discovered the only reason that it had been on the field in the first place was that you FORCED it there.</p>
(pause)</p>
Croom: Well, o'course it was FORCED it there! If I hadn't forced that offense down, it would have nuzzled up to line of scrimmage, lined up in the I formation, and VOOM! INTERCEPTION!</p>
MSU Fan: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this offense wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!</p>
Croom: No no! 'E's working!</p>
MSU Fan: 'E's not working! 'E's passed on! This offense is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't forced 'im to the field 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-OFFENSE!!</p>
(pause)</p>
Croom: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of offense.</p>
MSU Fan: I see. I see, I get the picture.</p>
Croom: I got a punter.</p>
(pause)</p>
MSU Fan: Pray, does it work?</p>
Croom: Nnnnot really.</p>
MSU Fan: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?</p>
Croom: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)</p>
MSU Fan: Well.</p>
(pause)</p>
Croom: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place and help me pack?</p>MSU Fan:(looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
(The Croom does not respond.)</p>
MSU Fan: 'Ello, Coach?</p>
Croom: What do you mean "Coach"?</p>
MSU Fan: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!</p>
Croom: We're closin' for lunch.</p>
MSU Fan: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this offense that I purchased not five years ago from this very boutique.</p>
Croom: Oh yes, the, uh, the West Coast...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?</p>
MSU Fan: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!</p>
Croom: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's working.</p>
MSU Fan: Look, matey, I know a dead offense when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.</p>
Croom: No no he's not dead, he's, he's workin'! Remarkable offense, the West Coast, idn'it, ay? Beautiful passing game!</p>
MSU Fan: The passing game don't enter into it. It's stone dead.</p>
Croom: Nononono, no, no! 'E's working!</p>
MSU Fan: All right then, if he's working, I'll wake him up! 'Ello, Mister West Coast Offense! I've got a lovely touchdown for you if you show...</p>
(Croom calls a tailback dive)</p>
Croom: There, he moved!</p>
MSU Fan: No, he didn't, that was you just calling a tailback dive!</p>
Croom: I never!!</p>
MSU Fan: Yes, you did!</p>
Croom: I never, never did anything...</p>
MSU Fan: (yelling) 'ELLO OFFENSE!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your fifth year alarm call!</p>
(Takes playbook out and thumps it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)</p>
MSU Fan: Now that's what I call a dead offense.</p>
Croom: No, no.....No, 'e's improving!</p>
MSU Fan: IMPROVING?!?</p>
Croom: Yeah! You're just blind, 'e was wakin' up! West Coast Offenses take time, major.</p>
MSU Fan: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That offense is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not five years ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged stint under Jackie.</p>
Croom: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the NFL.</p>
MSU Fan: PININ' for the NFL?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got into Davis Wade?</p>
Croom: The West Coast prefers keepin' on its back! Remarkable offense, id'nit, squire? Lovely passing game!</p>
MSU Fan: Look, I took the liberty of examining that offense on a message board, and I discovered the only reason that it had been on the field in the first place was that you FORCED it there.</p>
(pause)</p>
Croom: Well, o'course it was FORCED it there! If I hadn't forced that offense down, it would have nuzzled up to line of scrimmage, lined up in the I formation, and VOOM! INTERCEPTION!</p>
MSU Fan: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this offense wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!</p>
Croom: No no! 'E's working!</p>
MSU Fan: 'E's not working! 'E's passed on! This offense is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't forced 'im to the field 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-OFFENSE!!</p>
(pause)</p>
Croom: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of offense.</p>
MSU Fan: I see. I see, I get the picture.</p>
Croom: I got a punter.</p>
(pause)</p>
MSU Fan: Pray, does it work?</p>
Croom: Nnnnot really.</p>
MSU Fan: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?</p>
Croom: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)</p>
MSU Fan: Well.</p>
(pause)</p>
Croom: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place and help me pack?</p>MSU Fan:(looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.