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Dancing with the Stars Review

by:Matt Jones01/05/06

Well it was a great night in the world of sports, with Villanova beating Louisville in Freedom Hall and other interesting and exciting college basketball matchups.

Of course, I was watching Dancing With the Stars and did a running blog….

8:01 pm — We start the show with a small piece on all of the various competitors and why they should be considered celebrities by those of us who have no idea who they are. Pretty boring stuff, but highlighted by rapper Master P who says with complete seriousness, “I’m the most notorious dancer you’re ever gonna meet.” I have no idea what that means, but I agree wholeheartedly.

In the roster of celebrities, there are many choices for “lamest.” One could easily go with Lisa Rinna (who apparently is on soap operas), the pathetic Tatum O Neal, or new reporter Giselle Fernandez. However I will go with Drew Lachey, who is only famous because he is the brother of a guy who is only famous because he married Jessica Simpson. That is two degrees from legitimate celebrity!

8:03 pm — The festivities begin with the always orange George Hamilton. George is a mystery to me as I dont exactly know how he became a celebrity. At some point during my childhood, I recognized that he was a face and name that everyone knew, and that his tan was legendary. Yet, I couldnt tell you one thing he has ever done except exist. It is sort of similar to how Paris Hilton entered the collective consciousness of America all at once, even though she did nothing to make herself at all extraordinary.

Hamilton’s routine is relatively boring. Although in his warmup montage, there was a funny moment where he saw his scantily clad partner wearing virtually nothing but ankle warmers and said, “forget about the rest….I will keep my ankles warm!” Beyond his perpetual crooked tie, there was nothing to get excited about.

8:15 — Now it is time for the star of “Days of Our Lives”, Lisa Rinna. Seeing that they added a soap opera star leads me to a question that I have had for some time…..does anyone actually watch soap operas? I often comment about how I have never met anyone who Loves Raymond, but I know even fewer who have ever followed a soap. There are like a million of them, and someone must watch them, but I have no idea who. I followed one season of “Days of Our Lives” when the character was trapped all summer in a casket below ground, but since then have never seen it. I am not sure if she got out, but my guess is that the storyline continues.

The highlight of Rinna’s performance was when her foreign teacher said, “when I met Lisa, I knew were gonna have a big bondage.” Not sure what he meant there, but I think some investigation needs to be done. After she is finished, there was a Harry Hamlin sighting (who she is apparently married to). No word what happened to Susan Dey. They were a great couple on LA Law werent they? Remember when he wore the gorilla suit? Ok i digress…

8:26 — Now the reason that I tuned in tonight, the performance of ESPN host Kenny Mayne. I must say that I find it bizarre that Mayne is on this show. Besides me, the only people who this show is supposed to appeal to are middle-aged women who wish that their dead-beat husbands would quit watching SportsCenter and take them dancing. So why put on a Sportcenter anchor….just to rub it in the women’s faces?

I have to give Mayne credit however, because he was very entertaining. He wore a puffy shirt, a la Seinfeld, and danced with moves that can only be called, horrific. He reminded me of my friend Nick Salsman, who goes on dance floors where people are serious and begins intentionally dancing without rhythm to make others mad. However in Mayne’s case he was completely serious. His partner (who wants to use this as a star launch) clearly hates him as she knows her future on the show is limited. But he won me over when he said that his goal was to find “the biggest dork and beat him up.” Watch out Drew Lachey!

8: 38 — Much to my satisfaction, the next dancer was the WWE wrestler Stacy Keibler. Now for those of you who may have never seen Miss Keibler, she is the Tayshaun Prince of women, except her absurdly long feature is not her arms, but rather her legs. She truly epitomizes the old vaudeville joke that “her legs are so long, they go all the way to the floor.” Her partner is possibly the gayest of all the professionals on the show, which is saying something, but nevertheless claims to be (while wearing a shirtless vest) “the most macho guy in the world.”

Keibler produced a wonderful performance that was lowered in my eyes only because it came out that she danced as a child. She wore the fewest clothes of any of the female contestants, and my early pick is that we will see her in fewer and fewer clothes as the weeks go on. The judges seemed to like her dancing (including the blatant Simon Cowell ripoff “Bruno”), but the old one (who is quickly becoming the Keith Jackson of the show) inexplicably said, “That dance had plenty of sausage.” I have no idea what that means, but it reminds me of when I recently heard a small child lamenting the difficulty of his existence saying, “The world is not easy, its not all flowers and sausages.”

8:51 — We finished hour one with the most hated man by me on the show, Drew Lachey. Lachey told us that since 98 Degrees broke up (which was shocking by the way), he has been in the musical “Rent.” That has to be thrilling. He also mentioned that he had been worried for weeks that if he was eliminated on the first show it would, “reak havoc on his psyche.” Well we certainly wouldnt want that would we?

He produced a dance that the judges seemed to like to the song “She Bangs” by Ricky Martin. Everytime I hear that song now, I think of William Hung and I am beginning to wonder if he should just be given the rights to it so as to retire its existence. It is an absurd song to begin with, but like all the songs on Dancing With the Stars, it is sung in the most self-referential karaoke style by a woman whose other performance has to be singing “Wind Beneath My Wings” at the Chinoe Pub in Lexington, Kentucky. The praise by the judges seems to surprise Lachey who says, “I was ready to come at the judges with my witty retorts.” Oh that would be priceless….a real Sinbad on our hands with Mr. Lachey. The dance ends with a shot of Nick in the stands, realizing that he may now need to mooch onto his brother since his wife left him to sell more acne cream on television.

There was of course more to the show (it had a second hour), but I will leave that review for tomorrow. Until then, picture what it had to be like to see Master P dance…..and then realize that it was even funnier than that.

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