Definitive Power Rankings of Gas Station Food

Nick Roushalmost 5 years

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Aritcle written by:Nick RoushNick Roush

@RoushKSR

A category 4 hurricane is approaching the east coast.  The defining moment of the Mark Stoops era will occur on Saturday vs. Vanderbilt.  Big Blue Madness is only eight days away, but right now, gas station food is much more important. My reasoning is sound.  In a fantastic piece penned by Kyle Tucker on how John Calipari's experiences with racial injustices have shaped his stance, former UMass assistant Bruiser Flint had one entertaining anecdote to share. “Cal liked to eat hot dogs from 7-Eleven at 2 o’clock in the morning," Flint said. Even though your first inclination may be to flinch, gas station food takes too much criticism.  As a recent college graduate, I'm quite the connoisseur.  Allow me to guide you through the best delicacies offered near the pump.

1. Pizza

Nothing brings up the nostalgia of square cafeteria pizza quite like the delightful Speedway pizza.  Even though heartburn awaits, it doesn't get much better.  You might even get lucky enough to encounter a Hunt Brothers Pizza, coming to Rupp Arena this fall.

2. Hot Dogs

You can't criticize Cal for enjoying a late night hot dog.

A) Before fast food establishments were open all night in the early 90's, gas station hot dogs were probably the only hot food you could get after 11:00 p.m.

B)  Hot dogs are disgusting no matter where you eat them.  You might think the by-products stuffed in casing taste better at ballparks, but it's the same thing that's on a 7/11 roller at 2:00 a.m.

Besides, pickle relish and brown mustard can make pretty much anything delicious.

3.  Breakfast Sandwiches

Only available in the early hours, normally I'd opt for a donut but sometimes you gotta have something besides coffee to warm ya up.  However, breakfast sandwiches can fall completely off the list if the biscuit is burnt to a crisp.  You could chip a tooth if you aren't careful.

4.  Tornados

Tornados are actually my second-favorite item, but I don't know what they are exactly.  The roller item is surrounded by a crunchy, fried substance, stuffed with cheesy, meaty goodness.  After writing it out, I guess you could call it an Americanized egg roll.  I'm sure the insides are the worst thing you can put inside your body, but if you're eating gas station food you've already quit caring.

5. Deli Sandwiches

They're all the rage now a days, but usually it agitates me how much they'll charge you for some cold cuts on a hoagie bun.  I'm a bigger fan of the sandwiches split into two triangles, preferably pimento cheese or egg salad.  You'd think that those types of sandwiches are only good at nice restaurants, but the tastiness is actually inversely proportionate to the awfulness of the setting.

787. Hamburgers

Under no circumstances should you ever consume a hamburger/chicken sandwich form a gas station.  Frozen breakfast sandwiches are acceptable, but frozen hamburgers (or worse, a burger sitting in steamy, dirty water) are a disgrace to food.  No matter how badly you crave hot food, always opt for a granola bar or chips instead of the gas station burger.
For everyone who is going to comment to ask why broasted or fried chicken isn't on the list, save your time.  Those items are obviously the best, but those setups are rarer than Mr. Clean with hair. Although, I will recommend the chicken at the Shell Station in Midway, the wings at the Thornton's on South Broadway, and the Saturday Ribs/BBQ outside of the Gulf Station on Waller.

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2021-09-24