An In Depth, Ridiculously Long, Paraphrased from Wikipedia, Unnecessary Look Into the Life of Tim Tebow (and Why You Should Hate Him)

It was a normal Thursday night: I sat down at my laptop with a fifth of bourbon, hate in my heart, and an assignment to preview UK’s upcoming opponent.  Next thing I know, it is 6 a.m., the bottle is empty, I’ve devoured 56 Bagel Bites, and not written one word about the University of Florida.  But, I’ve covered a whole lot of Tebow.  The following is a product of disgust and hatred towards Tim Tebow and those who praise His holy name.  (I apologize for the length of this post, you don’t have to read it.  Otherwise, enjoy.)

The Conception

It was a cold December night in 1986 when Bob and Pam Tebow curled up by the fire in their Jacksonville home.  The smell of fresh pine from the newly planted Christmas tree filled the living room as sounds from John Cougar Mellencamp’s recently released holiday album played ever so softly.  The special blend of holiday scents, candlelight, John Cougar, and two gallons of egg nog created the perfect aphrodisiac for Bob Tebow as he laid his beautiful wife down next to the ceramic nativity scene and unbuttoned her Frosty the Snowman cross-stitched vest.  Little did they know, the next 35 seconds of that wintery evening would touch the lives of millions and change the face of college football forever.

A Star Is Born

On August 17, 1987, while serving as Christian missionaries in the Phillipines, Bob and Pam Tebow welcomed young Timothy Richard Tebow into the world. A miracle, it was called, due to the difficulties prior to the delivery.  You see, while preggers, Pam suffered a life-threatening infection with a pathogenic amoeba, and because of the drugs used to rouse her from a coma, doctors expected a stillbirth and recommended an abortion to protect her life.  But Pam ignored the doctor’s suggestions and continued to pursue her goal to have the child.  She promised everyone one thing: “A lot good will come out of this,” she said.  “You will never see any mother, in the entire country, nurture as hard as I will nurture this baby.  You will never see someone push, as hard as I will push, throughout the entire delivery.  And you will never see someone give birth, as hard I was will give birth to this child.  God bless.”

And so He was born…

Early Life / High School / Just A Twinkle In ESPN’s Eye

In an effort to “instill Christian beliefs” (aka “keep your child away from the poor kids”), Pam Tebow chose to homeschool her children.  In 1996, to reduce the growing rate of 40 year old men living at home, legislation was passed in Florida allowing homeschooled students to compete in local high school sporting events.  However, the local Trinity Christian Academy did not rely on a passing offense and Tim had His mind set on the quarterback position.  With this dream in mind, Tim and His mother moved into an apartment in nearby St. Johns County, making Tim eligible to play for Nease High School.

While at Nease, Tebow’s stock rose as He became a major college football quarterback prospect.  No one can ignore how impressive His high school career was.  He was named the state of Florida’s Player of the Year in both his junior and senior seasons, while playing one game on a broken leg. During his senior season, He led the Panthers to a state title, earned All-State honors, was named Florida’s Mr. Football and a Parade All-American.  He finished His high school career with 9,810 passing yards, 3,186 rushing yards, 95 passing touchdowns and 62 rushing touchdowns.

Off the field, He struggled to make friends because of His homeschooling and lack of interest in high school things, like fist fighting, driving fast, stealing dad’s Busch Lights, and getting high. In an effort to broaden His social horizons, He was allowed to attend Nease’s senior prom. We all know how that night ended.

The College Years / Florida Gators

This brings us to where we are today.  This chapter of the Tebow story needs no elaborate detail.  He has been called “The Best College Football Player Ever” and as much as I want to punch Him in the face, I really can’t argue.  He was the first sophomore to win the Heisman trophy after a 51 touchdown season.  I don’t even think the Big Ten is capable of a 51 touchdown season.  And 22 of those 51 came on the ground, breaking an SEC record previously held by Shaun Alexander, Garrison Hearst, and LaBrandon Toefield.  Last year, He pledged and promised His way to His second national championship and damn near won another Heisman along the way.  He is currently 3-0 in His senior season with the #1 team in the land, and, with Florida’s schedule, they are practically a lock for a third title in four years.  All of these accomplishments are the very reason why I hate Him  and you should too.  Don’t give into the lovefest.  Yeah, He’s good but you have to remember that He does all of these things while destroying UK every year.  It’s not like He plays in the Pac 10. He plays for Florida.  Yet some of you are still drooling over His greatness.

The Promise

This weekend marks the one year anniversary of “The Promise”, or what some would call, the day Florida choked and almost blew their shot at the National Championship.  Everyone credits this postgame speech for turning the season around.  Now, it is immortalized in the form of a plaque outside of the Florida football complex.  I don’t mean to breakup the Disney movie deal here, but, does anyone else think this is a little over the top?  First off, the speech was terrible.  Nothing about it says motivating.  You’re not going to push anyone hard if you don’t take a breath between sentences, Tim.  And, did it really turn Florida around?  I mean, they were already the best team in the country, they just slipped up and lost a game by one.  How about playing up to potential, raw talent, and not losing to a lesser opponent being the reason behind the championship?  Oh wait, that’s right.  We gotta keep on lovin’ Tebow!

Tim Tebow is a virgin, he always has been.

First off, let me say there is nothing wrong with being a virgin.  Many people have lived their entire lives without sex and have gone on to be lawyers, host radio shows, and create successful blogs that provide UK news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.  But, if you’re Tim Tebow, saving yourself for marriage is just a smack in the face to men across the world.  He is a Heisman winning, two-time national champion quarterback at the University of Florida.  I can’t even imagine the opportunities in that scenario.  We’ve all seen the pictures floating around the internet of His rumored girlfriends, and He isn’t even closing the deal.  And people still have the nerve to ask me why I hate Him.  Mark my words, Timothy… You’re going to look back on this one day, while you’re drinking away old pigskin memories at Swamp Ass Pub in Jacksonville, telling anyone who will listen that you had a shot at the NFL but quit because they tried to move you to safety.  No one will care about you then.  The time to enjoy life’s pleasures is now and you’re letting it slip away.  (Or you’re gay, which could also be the case)

“Inescapable Corn-fed Handsomeness”

I’ve got to admit, GQ magazine is not my go-to porcelain literature (I’m more of the Highlights type) but I did feel compelled to check out the August issue featuring Tim Tebow. If you get your hands on a copy, just steal the cologne and immediately ditch the magazine – trust me. The mere description of Tebow’s appearance at the interview made me vomit:

“Tebow is six feet three and 245 pounds, all thick polygons and smooth flat planes and inescapable corn-fed handsomeness. He’s wearing a billowy white shirt and loose-fitting jeans that somehow only underscore the solidity of his bulk, like a tarpaulin draped over a concrete pylon. You can see why coaches have always wanted to deploy his body as a battering ram.”

See what I’m saying? The author’s mancrush for Tim Tebow is borderline homosexual and it was the last straw for me. For those that are still sitting atop Tebowmania Mountain, read the entire GQ article and it’ll boot you off the mountain’s edge like King Leonidas in 300.

Mission Trips, Heisman Posing With Babies, and Little Boys’ Genitals

Forget all of the stats, awards, and championship rings.  If that were the only measure of Tebow’s greatness, He would just blend in with the Eric Crouches of the world.  The real reason everyone loves Tim Tebow (along with the football stuff) is that He is a genuine person.  There has never been an athlete of His caliber that has done so much good off the field.  And for this, He is loved by millions.  Just not me.

Personally, I don’t care that He goes on mission trips.  I don’t care that He offers his letterman’s jacket to girls when they’re cold.  I don’t care that He looks both ways, chews with His mouth closed, and sits down when He pees.  He is still the same guy that beat Kentucky 63-5 last year.  So what if He writes Phil 4:13 on his eye black?  He could paste pictures of my mother under His eyes and I’d still boo Him.  I don’t care if He recycles, drives a hybrid, or pays for online music. He plays in the SEC East and He is on Kentucky’s schedule.  Remember that when He takes the field at Commonwealth tomorrow.  When He comes out of that tunnel wearing orange and blue, keep in mind that He isn’t here to circumcise boys from the Phillipines or build hospitals in third world countries.  He is here to unleash hell on Big Blue Nation and that, my friends, ain’t gonna happen.

Go Cats.