Fun Fun Funkhouser: Of Veggie Dogs and Taco Cannons

Check out part one of our Fun Fun Fun coverage, The Introduction. Check out part two of our Fun Fun Fun coverage, The Snoop Troupe. Check out part three of our Fun Fun Fun coverage, Who Laughs for the Hipsters? Check out part four of our Fun Fun Fun coverage, A Refined Taste.

If you've been following our coverage of the Fun Fun Fun festival all week you've probably noticed that Jack Black's right nipple is a little too grey (darn you free online Photoshop!) and that we've covered a wide range of the ample underbelly of this kind of festival. Well let me tell you; It takes an awful lot of food to keep the underbelly as ample as it is. There were a large variety of food choices on hand at the festival. Mex-Korean food? Yep. A grilled cheese truck? Of course. A vegan wagon? Sadly, yes. Yet, out of all of the variety of food on site, there were only two that were part of the festival. These were Veggie Dogs (in the Veggie Hot Dog eating competition) and Tacos (shot out of a taco cannon). These two events were short and seemingly anticlimactic but like they say at Checker's/Rally's, you gotta eat.

If you were expecting a Nathan's style face off, well so was I. As I said in Wednesday's post, there are little in the ways of rules or expectations in the Yellow Tent early in the day. Once you get to the famous stand up comedians (if you've been standing in the tent for two hours beforehand, because the tent was far too packed to come in any later than that), the production from the lights to the sound was great. But no one really cared about how most of the early acts went, only that they happened. That's how you get a 10 minute veggie hot dog eating competition that runs out of hot dogs after 6 minutes. Actually if I were one of the contestants I'd probably be thanking my maker that they were gone. Do you see the look on their faces? Have you ever tasted a veggie dog? I haven't, but I'll bet they're disgusting. Especially with a sopping wet bun. (Aside: If a veggie dog is made completely of vegetables aka soluble dietary fiber how long do you think it would take a veggie dog to completely dissolve in water? Quick Scientists!) The event came complete with two MCs, a ref, and cheerleaders who made suggestive remarks about weiners. And it was all lazily done. The winner only ate 9 veggie dogs. I mean, I couldn't do that many because they're gross, but it's supposed to be a competition. My point being, is it this easy to get on the stage at a festival like this? If this is the bar, what sort of lame talent could I use to get myself some publicity? They don't get paid for any part of this do they? What this all boils down to is one of the seminal questions of my life: Why didn't I get the chance to invent the Pet Rock? You take a rock from your front yard. You get a box with some elementary graphic design work. You put said rock in said box and sell it to people. People (for some reason) buy a rock from your front yard that they could have picked up in their own. You make millions of dollars. It's genius. It's amazing. It's the mother of get rich quick schemes, and the shiniest ideal of the American Dream. The Veggie Hot Dog Eating Competition is not that, it's not even that good an endorsement for veggie hot dogs. They looked gross. But if the people who started it can get on stage, and if the guy who picked up a rock from his yard and put it in a box can make a million dollars, then both you and I have ideas in our heads that can change our worlds, or the world at large. And that's my American Dream. (Patriotic Music plays loudly in your head) If you'd like to see grimaces and complacent hot dog eating, check out the video below. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0gSuh2yBWc

The taco cannon was, as designed, a short duration attraction. You show up, they shoot 12-24 tacos out, you catch one or you don't, they go away and you watch more music. The design, as you can see above, doesn't strike me as particularly impressive either. Here's a video of it in action, set to the "Test Your Might" music from Mortal Kombat (which is awesome). Sure it shot the tacos a decent distance, but any of us who have been to a sporting event and seen the t-shirt cannon aren't likely to be that impressed. The tacos are even wrapped in t-shirts which felt a bit like cheating to me (though I was informed that no test of the cannon without a t-shirt was able to shoot a taco without the taco flying apart). Now, don't get me wrong. I looove tacos. They're the best food. Having grown up in Texas, they're way better than a sandwich to me. I'll forever have fond memories of brew days on American Ave followed up by a hazy trip to a taco truck on Alexandria off of Versailles Rd. My lack of enthusiasm for the taco cannon is more in the cannon and less in the taco (which I didn't get to try). That, as they say, is that. Next topic. Until I found out, through my clever use of Google, found out that there is a much more sinister force at work in the world of Austonian Taco Cannons. In fact, there is a Taco Cannon Cold War brewing. The arms race began at last year's Fun Fun Fun Fest. The 2012 version introduced the taco cannon to the masses, shooting out delicious bundles of Torchy's Tacos, a local Austin favorite (that has an incredible secret menu... commence the drooling). The organizers of the festival, Transmission Events, were all well and good until Torchy's started using a taco cannon at their own private events. Apparently Transmission was angry because "everyone knows it's [the taco cannon] our idea" and Torchy's was using it without them. Fast forward to this year and the owner's of Fun Fun Fun Fest declined to partner with Torchy's a second year AND tried to trademark the term "taco cannon." The latest salvo has been this retaliation video from Torchy's, showing off their new "Taco Dream Machine" and chastising Fun Fun Fun. Now, I'm not here to take sides. I'm more worried about where this all ends (probably more Fat Man and less Little Boy). Will Torchy's and Transmission stop at no means to win this Taco Cannon war? Will I have to start saying Taco Launcher by the end of this article? What's next? A taco missile launcher? An RPG (Rocket Propelled Guisada)? An EMP (Electro-Magnetic Posoles)? I'm just saying the the possibilities are endless (and delicious), and we should all beware in case we all (our waistlines anyway) get destroyed by the need of taco cannon makers to best one another.

Well, there you go, I really hope that you enjoyed my coverage of the 2013 Fun Fun Fun Festival! Please let me know, either way, in the comments or on twitter, @KalanKucera.