If Pop Culture Celebrities Had Real Housewives Taglines

Any true Real Housewife fan will tell you that the best part of the show is the beginning. Each episode, no matter what city, begins with the housewife’s quippy remark about life, money, beauty or nonsense. (Spoiler alert: It’s usually nonsense.) My personal favorite is when Shannon Beador gave us this jewel: “When life gives you lemons, put nine in a bowl!” Even the most negligent fortune cookie writer would throw that one away, but for Shannon that phrase describes her. It is optimistic about nothing and is totally unrelated to anything ever. Every show needs opening taglines to help us quickly get acquainted with the characters.   Luckily, Bravo released a tagline generator so your’s truly could waste her spring break creating taglines for all of our favorite pop culture personalities. Here are a few of the my personal favorite taglines for pop culture celebrities: The Real Housewives of Terminus/Alexandria   The Walking Dead is pop culture royalty.  There is something about undead zombies that makes violence and unrealistic plot lines a combination for a viable hit show.  If Rick and Carl were cast on The Real Housewives of Terminus they would be the stars.  I can't imagine the drama if Rick didn't invite Carl to Judith's christening.  It would put New Jersey's table flipping to shame.   Bravo's tagline generator is consistent with each character's personality.  Carl's slogan speaks to his desire to keep what's left of his family together.  It is also worth noting that Carl only has one "eye/I" left to give.  That irony wouldn't be lost on Bravo's most perceptive fans.   Rick's tagline is consistent with his bossy, assertive nature on the show.  He pretty much wakes up on a hospital bed at the beginning and bosses everyone around from that moment forward. The Real Housewives of March Madness  Charrisse Jordan, from The Real Housewives of Potomac,  isn't the only basketball wife on TV.  If there was a show titled, The Real Housewives of March Madness,  it would follow all the drama behind Roy Williams and Jim Boeheim.  These are some old timey looking fellows, but I'm sure that the Bravo producers could cook up something.  I appreciate that the tagline generator knew to include the "basketball seasons" in Williams' tagline and the fact that stress doesn't give him "wrinkles."  I also found great joy in Boeheim's tagline because Wikipedia lists his height at 6'3".  I'm unsure what may be small, but at least we know his personality is enormous. The Real Housewives of Brentwood The People v. O.J. Simpson is the best thing on TV as far as I'm concerned.  Each week, Ryan Murphy and Co. take a story we all thought we knew and makes it more personal, more accessible and more frustrating.  I wanted to make a tagline for the sassy juror who stared down Judge Ito, but no real housewife tagline was saucy enough.  (That's saying something) Instead, Marcia Clark and Johnnie Cochran would have to do.  Both characters have their personal troubles that would be the perfect fodder for a Real Housewife saga.  They both have strong character traits that they seem steadfast on maintaining. The Real Housewives of Westeros Please don't judge me, I don't really know where Westeros is.   I just know that it's a cool, fictional, Game of Thrones-y sounding place that Daenerys or Jon might frequent.  What I do know is that Deanerys is fluent in Dothraki and fierceness.  She truly is "fabulous in every language" be it Valerian or whatever else George R. R. Martin cooks up. I wish Vegas would take bets on whether Jon Snow is dead or not, because I would bet my whole house that we haven't seen the last of Jon Snow's expressionless face.  I also don't think it is a coincidence that the BRAVO generator told us "don't you dare tell her bye!" I'm sure the "old gods" meant this as a sign. The Real Housewives of the White House If you could make a quantitative measurement of all the drama on BRAVO, The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones combined, you would still not equal all the commotion in this year's presidential race.  Sometimes, I like to pretend it is all a bunch of silliness so it doesn't depress me too much.  In a perfect world, our election year was just be a season of the real housewives and not a for real event that could change the course of history.  I think I would enjoy it a lot more.  Hillary reminds of Camille Grammar.  She is a woman who is out to prove that she is can be just as popular as her husband.  Trump reminds me of Kenya Moore from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.   Both speak with certainty but no sense of reality.   It's an awesome premise for a reality show, but not so much for reality.