Inside the Bloggers Studio: Colin Firth

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colin-firth With awards season upon us, and the Academy Awards just around the corner, the need for KSR to cover the event became apparent. Feeling short of breath from the morning cry I had regarding the Alabama loss, I frantically typed into Google: "Academy Awards and UK". A short perusing of the results landed me at the perfect candidate for an interview - Colin Firth, some washed up rom-com actor, whom I had never heard of, from such films as Nanny McPhee, Love Actually, and What a Girl Wants. One call to his publicist and we were 'in like Flint'. Of course, I promised her the University of Kentucky wanted to grant him an honorary doctorate. I considered it only a white lie at the time, because surely Dr. Todd could pull some strings. After all, google told me Firth had UK connections. Due to school, I couldn't make the trip, so I sent my personal assistant, Thom Christmas, to do the dirty work. Here's what he turned in: I walked into his L.A. hotel room, immediately startled by his snaggle tooth and chest hair. It seemed the right time to start prying. KSR: Colin, its great to finally meet you. I can see you're busy, so let's get right to it. Can you describe your relationship with UK? CF: Well, I was born there in 1960, under a grey sky... KSR: Wait, wait, wait. You were born at UK? In my day, there were rumors of illegitimate births in the Nutter basement to genetically altered superhumans, but I had no idea freaks of theater were in production. CF: Not quite sure if I know where this Nutter you speak of is... is that near London? KSR: London? Good grief, Colin. No. It's in Lexington. Say, you've got a funny accent, you must be from Northern Kentucky, right? CF: Are you a bloody idiot? I'm talking about the United Kingdom... I'm English, damnit. KSR: Ah! This explains so much, my mistake. Now, where is this United Kingdom in relationship to the Kingdom of Middle Earth? CF: Are you f- KSR: Just kidding, Colin. But really, looks like my next question about whether you prefer Oscar the trophy or Oscar Combs is pointless. Let's see...I heard a lot of folks chatting about some The King's Speech movie; any thoughts? CF: Well, I am nominated for Best Actor as the star in that film. KSR: Really!? Wow, that's a long way from rom-coms. In that case, I’ve got a few really important questions: How did it feel to be a middle-aged white man portraying a young LeBron making the toughest decision of his professional career? Did being British prepare you for America to hate you? Any comments on Coach Cal and LeBron's relationship? CF: Bollocks! Who the hell is LeBron? I play King George VI. Do you even go to the cinema, you dodgy git? KSR: I see, race is a tough issue. Sorry for asking. [At this point, Piers Morgan pops out from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his head like a turban.] CF: Piers, what the hell. I told you to stay in there until I whistled God Save the Queen to let you know the coast was clear. PM: Lord, I couldn't take anymore of this imbecile's nonsensical rabble. He's got to be arse-over-tit off bourbon or something. KSR: I'm just going to let myself out, guys. I darted from the room, narrowly avoiding the shoe Piers threw at me. I turned to run down the hall, only to encounter Ricky Gervais fresh out of the hotel hot tub in a speedo. As we crossed paths in the hallway, Ricky shot me a death-stare. I boarded my flight empty handed, with nothing but a worthless interview. I sat, staring out the window, trying to figure out why British people were so weird. There is no way those guys could ever understand the sane life we lead as Kentucky fans. Well, that was awkward. [this entire account may or may not be fictional] twitter.com/ChrisThomasKSR

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