KSR Bachelor Running Diary Episode 2: Life is about Straddling People. And Things.

 

The above gif is the winner for “cringiest moment of the premiere.” This is, of course, the moment when Juan Pablo said “Kat” and Kylie (the redhead) began to come forward. It made my palms sweat. The best part is the face the girl in the green makes. This was even more embarrassing than the pink dress Kylie wore. However, last week is last week. Onward we go.

 

Lots of good stuff last night. Let’s get straight to it.

THE PREVIEWS

8:00- My take aways from the preview of tonights episode are as follows:

1. I’ve never been on a date that involved blind folds. Not a bad idea, though. If I could get a girl to wear one, the better chance I would have at her liking me. I mean, sure, I don’t have money or personality, but at least I’m not good looking.

2. The crazy girl in the bathroom scene happens tonight. We’ll probably just shut this post down after that.

8:03- From what I can gather, all the girls who aren’t going on one on one dates sit around drinking all the wine all the time. They will unknowingly all ask the recipient of the date if “she is so excited” about her date at different times to which she will reply “OMG I’m sooo excited/nervous/excited blah blah freakin’ blah.”

CLARE’S DATE

8:04- “This could be the first date with my new husband.” Or it could be your fifteen minutes of fame. Either way, make the most of it!

8:05- “All I could do is sit there and smell him.” I might want to think twice about the blindfolding a date angle. Hahaha who am I kidding? I don’t go on dates.

8:06- They are sledding in a fake winter wonderland. In Los Angeles. In what I can only assume is summertime/early fall. But at least they’re doing it for the right reasons.

8:07- The Free Spirit is living up to her billing. She is topless in the hot tub. Guys that read she is topless in the hot tub and thought “I should start watching this show”, just don’t. ABC overpays someone to put a black rectangle over her upper unmentionables. In addition to the toplessness, she is a trailblazer of the “I don’t want to go on a one on one date, I just want a group date” strategy. Never heard that one before. Keep free spiriting away, Free Spirit.

8:08- Juan Pablo gets check marks for how “amazing” his date with Clare is going because he is succeeding in the following categories:

1. Having a blast.

2. He’s hilarious.

In case you guys didn’t watch, Clare says she hasn’t felt this way about a man in a long, long, long time. I think it’s worth nothing that she has known him for approximately 3 real life hours. Also, she’s not a great skater.

 

8:13- Out of nowhere a hot tub appears in the middle of a fake winter wonderland in L.A. You crazy for this one, ABC!!

8:14- Just remembered that Clare is the one who had her Dad pass away. Let’s she if she talks abo… Oh, THERE IT IS. First thing. Just gets right into it.

8:15- ABC with a pretty brutal edit here. When Juan Pablo asks about her necklace and she talks about her Dad for what appears to be the second time in 45 seconds, her hair is dry. The first time the showed her talking about him her hair was wet. YOU CAN’T GET ANYTHING BY ME, ABC. This hot tub scene could have lasted anywhere between 10 minutes to 6 hours. Look, if hotel hot tubs on AAU trips taught us one thing, it’s that the rash you got in there may last forever. But if it taught us two things, it’s that and “You’re not supposed to stay in a hot tub for longer than 15 minutes.”

8:16- Juanny P.: “Clare, I had a pretty pretty much good time with you. It was pretty pretty much incredible.” Someone should teach him the word “really.”

8:17- Making out in water with legs wrapped around. A staple of The Bachelor and spring break. “You taste like snow.” Sooo, water?

8:19- How much crap are these guys playing the private concert in fake snow getting from their buddies right now? I bet they all started a group text at the same time.

8:20- Clare is a little over the top in her interviews. I’m not saying she’s driving on Interstate Ashlee yet, but she knows how to get there.

KAT’S DATE

8:25- I don’t know who has the rest of Kat’s shorts, but they should keep them.

8:26- A totally normal first date. A private jet to a rave run. I can’t imagine how all these relationships fail when the private jets and fake winter wonderlands fade away. AND I WISH SOMEBODY WOULD try to take me on a run on a first date. It’d be over before it started cause when we got done I’d have to say “Take me to a doctor.”

8:32- Who knew Mormons could get so crunk? This guy knows what I’m talking about. This guy DEFINITELY knows what I’m talking about!

GROUP DATE

8:38- Anyone else find it ironic that Free Spirit works in a clothing store? I’ve always thought it was difficult to sell stuff you don’t believe in.

8:39- I get that this photographer has a blue goatee, I just don’t understand it.

8:40- Free Spirit’s biggest fear was that a dog would pee on her because she borrowed someone else’s shoes because of course she had to borrow someone else’s shoes.

8:41- A “sexy photo shoot” with dogs seems wrong on so many levels.

8:42- Whose Cheerios did the girl who had to dress like a dog pee in? She looks like a malnourished turd.

8:44- Andi the hot gang lawyer: “A photo shoot is not my comfort zone. Being naked is not my comfort zone.” What she’s trying to say is she doesn’t have Snapchat.

8:50- Free Spirit, what up? “I’m really glad that I switched with Elise. I was happy to take off my top as always.” Cool, what are you going to do now? “I’m going to make that ABC nudity blur out guy earn his living.”

8:51- Juanny P.: “I’m really looking forward to get to know better Cassandra.” At least he didn’t say “I’m pretty pretty much looking forward to get to know better Cassandra.”

8:53- Andi the hot gang lawyer: “I’m the girl that brought a one piece.” Again, what she’s trying to say is she doesn’t have Snapchat.

9:02- Thanks to the internet I found out that Cassandra is Rodney Stuckey’s baby mamma. I don’t have anything else to add. That one’s on the house, you guys.

9:04- Victoria just dropped a “hey girl heeeeeey,” which in English means “I’ve been over served.”

9:05- The best way to tell if a person is drunk is to hear them talk about how sober they are. Don’t look now, but Victoria is talking about how sober she is! What’s else do you have to say, oh sober one? “If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I’m gonna straddle him EVERYDAY. Cause that’s what life is about. Straddling people. And things.” I stand corrected. The best way to tell if a person is drunk is not to hear them talking about how sober they are. The best way to tell if a person is drunk is to hear them talk publicly about straddling peoeple… And things.

9:10- Someone is feeding Victoria fireball shots off camera. A person can’t get this drunk on champagne. She was in the hot tub by herself (another sign of intoxication) and then said this WORD FOR WORD to a producer in an interview: “Juan Pablo is my boyfriend, today I gave him the hymen maneuver. I saved his life. I should totally get a rose for that. Everyone is like ‘OH, you straddled Juan Pablo?’ Like, if you do the hymen maneuver and somebody’s like totally laying down and dying you’re gonna have to straddle them.” This can’t really be argued, except for the fact that when she says “hymen maneuver” she means “CPR.”

9:11- “WHOSE LEG DO I HAVE TO HUMP AROUND HERE TO GET SOME ONE ON ONE TIME!” Victoria spent too much time with the dogs. That or she’s doing illegal drugs off camera. Nothing is out of bounds for her at this point.

9:13- Victoria has entered the  “I can’t hear you” zone. People in this zone can’t be reasoned with. They might as well be an animal. Right now, Victoria is in the handicapped bathroom stall looking kind of like this…

only with less clothes on.

9:15- Victoria is well on her way to getting a zone named after her. As in, “That girl is in the Victoria Zone.” Once a person enters the Victoria Zone, they can do nothing that surprises or shocks you. Anything goes. A speaking of things going, Victoria wants to go home. I don’t want her to go home, I want somebody to play some LMFAO and give the bottle back to her.

9:20- I don’t know if Victoria doesn’t answer Juanny P. when he comes into the bathroom because she’s in the “Victoria Zone,” or because he is calling her Bicktoria and she has no idea he’s talking to her. She never answers, so we’ll never know.

9:23- “For more information about the charities seen on tonight’s show and to find out how you can get some of what Victoria was sippin’ on, visit ABC.com.”

JUANNY P. VISITS VICTORIA’S HOTEL ROOM

9:28- Victoria’s attention seeking methods remind me of Tierra. If you are reading this and you ever hear someone say that about you, you will die alone.

9:31- Juanny P. just decided Victoria is unfit to be the step-mother of his child. Is this or is this not the easiest decision that’s ever been made? This decision was so easy it should’ve been sponsored by STAPLES.

COCKTAIL PARTY

9:38- People should fake interview people more often. Consider this a PSA for fake interviews.

9:42- Cheer up Rodney Stuckey’s baby mamma, it’s a cocktail party! Also, props to Renee for putting on a compassion show. She’s wheelin and dealin hugs. Who wants a hug? You want a hug? You got a hug.

9:43- Rodney Stuckey’s baby mamma used the word like 11 times in 20 seconds. You know what she didn’t use? Protection.

ROSE CEREMONY

9:53- Sharleen keeps up the stone face upon receiving her second rose. Seriously, you can’t show me another girl in Bachelor history to be less excited about receiving a rose than Sharleen. She’s smiled so little I’m not even sure she has teeth.

9:54- FREE SPIRIT Y’ALL!!

9:55- Other than Free Spirit, pretty much chalk so far on the roses. Last rose coming up and the rose less girls are looking around like Milton during the distribution of Lumbergh’s cake.

9:56- Final rose goes to something called a Kristy, a person which I have yet to hear speak.

Amy L. and Chantel are eliminated along with the greatest two episode player in Bachelor history, Victoria. You guys don’t realize it yet, but we’re really going to miss her.

 

During the show every week I get a LOT of text messages & tweets from friends watching the show. All of them are welcomed, and most of them are really funny. None, however, are funnier than the ones I get from the Turkey Hunter. So to end each KSR Bachelor Running Diary, I’m going to share with you (if I can) the funniest text I get from the Turkey Hunter.

It’s a feature we’re going to call the “Turkey Hunter Text of the Night.”

 

Turkey Hunter Text of the Night:

“I’m setting the over/under on Cassandra’s combined IQ & credit score at 91.”

 

@AFlenerKSR