Q & A with Dickie V, so help me God

With the NCAA Tournament officially in full swing, I figured I’d tempt logic and sit down for another interview with the immortal Dickie V. If you’ll remember, our previous encounters have been as insightful as Billy Packer and as ugly as…Billy Packer. This one however, well, this one was no different.

Intern: Well Dick, as you’re probably aware, I dread this interview like you dread political incorrectness. Alas, it is tourney time, so I guess I’m obliged to get your thoughts, so thank you for taking the time out from your busy schedule of not predicting upsets on ESPN to once again speak with KSR.

Dick Vitale: Ohhh, Intern, you know I always love speaking with the fans! Especially Kentucky fans like yourself! But you all are crazy! Absolutely nuts, baby!

In: Yeah, let’s go ahead and get this out of your system…

DV: Orlando Tubby Smith is a legend! All he does is win baby!

In: Al Davis.

DV: What?

In: Nothing, continue with your trite assessment of UK fans.

DV: I can’t imagine winning as much as he has and fans still want him ziggied! They want him ziggied Intern! It’s unbelievable!

In: Speaking of Kentucky, they have quite the daunting challenge ahead with Kansas tomorrow. What are your thoughts on the game?

DV: Let me tell you something, are you ready? Are you ready for this?

In: No.

DV: The Kansas Jayhawks are dynamite! I mean, they’re phenomenal baby! But I guarantee you this, they are not happy about seeing Mr. Morris and Kentucky in the second round. Kentucky has to play brilliant, but I think they have a chance. It’s going to be a classic baby! Ohhh, I can’t wait to watch this clash of the titans! Bill Self! Tubby Smith! Rock Chock Jayhawk, Big Blue! Phog Allen, Adolph Rupp! I’m getting paid for this, can you believe it Intern, I’m getting paid for this!

In: Yes, a lot of money and it makes me sick. Soooo, who’s going to win?

DV: Um, well…

In: You have to pick a winner Dick, both teams can’t win.

DV: Uh-uh.

In: You’re not going to pick a winner?

DV: Mm-mm.

In: Simply astounding, yet expected. Well, I’ve been atwitter at the thought of asking you about Duke. A first round KO to Virginia Commonwealth. Dick, please, enlighten us…

DV: Ohh the Dukies! One thing is guaranteed every time they take the court: they are going to get the best possible effort from their opponent. Such tradition, such dominance, such a tender coach, I mean, who doesn’t want a piece of that, baby!

In: What, the team or the “tender” coach?

DV: Both.

In: Um, me. Anyway, perverse overtones aside, you have to admit that Duke was a touch overrated this season.

In: Hey, they’re the New York Yankees! The Notre Dame of college basketball!

In: Dick, Notre Dame does play college basketball, and they, like they’re football team, were overrated this year too.

DV: Hey, it’s not delivery, its Digiorno, baby! So come to Hooters for some wings that are PTPers! Then watch the NIT on ESPN!

In: Dick, you are imploding in a heap of self-promotion and overall idiocy. Speaking of idiocy, let’s dissect your Final Four predictions. North Carolina, Kansas, Florida, and Ohio St I presume?

DV: Ohh, I love the number one seeds. They are all such phenomenal clubs with loaded with PTPers! Mr. Oden at Ohio St. is an absolute star. I think, before it’s all said and done, he will be mentioned in the same breath as legends like Russel, Alcindor, Walton, and Ewing. He should learn from Mr. Duncan’s advice and stay in school for four years. With a little schooling, he will really be dynamite! Speaking of dynamite, where’s Ashley Judd?! Ohhh, where’s my girl Ashley?!

In: Jeez, I don’t know Dick, we haven’t spoken since our post-Oscars fling in the back of my Isuzu. Back to the tournament, what do you think has been…

DV: I’m going to let you in on a little secret, Intern. Are you ready? Are you ready for this? Watch out for the Bruins of UCLA. I mean these guys can flat out play. Ben Howland will have this team ready to go. They may be an underdog, but I really feel, that when it’s all said and done, when the dinner is on the table and the kids are hungry, when whatever needs boiling is boiled down, when the chicken comes home to roost, that UCLA will be right there in the middle of all this madness! Afllalo is a star! Watch out for Cinderella, baby! The Wizard of Westwood must be pleased!

In: Amazing.

DV: As my good friend Jimmy Valvano once said, “Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”

In: Nope.

DV: Hey! Whatever happened to Kathy Lee? Regis is still going, but where’s Katy Lee? Is she alive, is she in the witness protection program? Duke. Kryszewski. Frank Sinatra. Bo Derek.

In: Uhhh…

(Three men in lab coats walk into the room. They tell Dick to settle down as they insert an IV and proceed to pump an unidentified liquid into his veins. It kind of looks like Ensure, but I’m not, well, sure. Dick is immediately calmed, and one of the men in the lab coat gives me the ok to continue with the interview)

In: Well I’m both spooked and tired, so let’s wrap this thing up. Since I know you lack the gall to pick a winner, what has been your favorite tournament moment thus far?

DV: Ohh, without a doubt it has been seeing the passion, the pride, the undying will to win, the sheer emotion from every team. The David’s, the Goliath’s, every team, baby!

In: Just curious, who won WWII?

DV: The world, of course.

In: Sickening. Well, thank you for another rousing, ‘to the core’ interview Dick. Your audacity and ‘don’t give an F’ attitude are always appreciated here at KSR. Enjoy your comforting spooning session with Coach K.