Stars, Stripes, and Teeny Tiny Track Shorts: The Official Guide to Wearing American Flag Apparel

When Tyler G-chatted me saying, “I bet you’d be the perfect person to write a post about all the different ways to wear an American flag,” my immediate thought was, “Suck it, Aaron Flener” (just kidding you’re still my BFF). My second thought was “damn straight.” And my third thought was me internally reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Because that’s what Americans do.

Obviously I was a patriot right out of the womb, but it wasn’t until I was in college that I began to realize how deep my love for my country ran. Like Kenny Powers, I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good.

Anyway. It was around this time that my eyes began to be drawn to American flag patterns. Anytime I saw something adorned with the stars and stripes, I felt a compulsion to have it. Since then, I’m pretty proud to say that my collection of American flag apparel rivals that of a superhero, a professional wrestler, and a frat bro on spring break combined. Basically the only thing I am lacking is an American flag sports bra, and trust me, I’m on the hunt. My wardrobe will probably be in the Smithsonian one day.

This is a little thing I like to call “credentials”

If you’re looking to expand your American flag wardrobe (and as Americans, you should always be looking to expand your American flag wardrobe) but you’re not quite sure where to start and where to splurge versus where to save, have no fear. I’ve taken some solid time to compile my handy guide on how you should incorporate American flag apparel into your wardrobe. Enjoy, and don’t forget, in America, every day is Independence Day.

If You’re a Beginner:

You’re just dipping your toes into the patriotic pool of clothing, and you aren’t really sure how committed you are to this whole flag-wearing thing. For you, I suggest starting small with a bandana, or a pair of sunglasses (endorsed by both Aaron Flener and myself). You’ll get a lot of use out of these over the years, and in time, they’ll become staples of your American wardrobe. Also, invest now in a, like, 200 pack of those tiny American flags. You’ll be the hero of all your friends.

If You’re a Patriot on the Go:

Link to purchase

In my mind, these shorts are an absolute must-have. I have them, and I can’t really imagine my life without them. They’re lightweight, they flow in the breeze, they’re slit up the side just a little higher than they should be, and I have absolute freedom of movement. Plus, they make your legs look phenomenal- men and women alike. I don’t need to say any more- this review pretty much sums it up:

Yes, this review was #very helpful to me.

If You’re Day Drinking:

First of all, if it’s the Fourth of July, you should be (responsibly) day-drinking. Second of all, in my book of wardrobe rules, day-drinking is the only time when it’s okay for a) girls to wear backwards baseball caps and b) guys and girls over the age of 12 to wear jerseys. In this picture, I sport both of these wardrobe elements in one outfit (also, if the dude in this picture happens to read KSR and sees this, what happened? I thought we were soulmates).

Flag-patterned baseball caps are pretty easy to come by, and as for the jersey, the more obscure, the better. While watching the USA play Ghana at Grant Park a couple weeks back, I saw a dude with a USA basketball jersey (Jordan) that had gold lettering and trim. It was pretty epic. I also saw someone leaving a bar last week wearing a USA jersey with “Freedom” as the name on the back and “76” as the number. Strong move, my friend (side note, if anyone has a link to that jersey, tweet me– I need it).

There are a ton of USA basketball jerseys on eBay or other online outlets, but if you can track one down at a Goodwill or Salvation Army, that makes it 100% better. One of my prized possessions is a blue mesh tank top with “USA” across the front that I got at a Goodwill. It still smells kind of weird, but that’s part of its charm.

If you can’t find a USA basketball jersey for some reason, just go for a weird-but-awesome jersey. I’m partial to the Allen Iverson Denver Nuggets jersey myself.

If You Want to Acknowledge the Military:

Camouflage and American flags go together like liberty and justice- for all.

If You’re a Dog:

My mom has you covered.

If You’re Hungry:

A bomb pop is your go-to accessory.

“Land of the free, home of the rage”

If You Bring the Party Wherever You Go:

The Jammy-Pack. It’s not even a question.

Also one of my most prized possession. I have never been to a place where a Jammy-Pack was unwelcome, and I hope it stays that way. This is definitely one of the areas where I would suggest “splurge”- with this bad boy on your hip, you’ll be the hit of any gathering you walk into (fact: I got proposed to while I was wearing it on Tuesday). Plus, you get a hands-free wallet AND you get to control the music wherever you are. As a musical control freak, this appeals to me.

If the Jammy Pack just isn’t enough for you, check out the accompanying cooler. That thing is going to be on my wedding registry.

If You’re On a Boat:

Or a lake, or at a pool, whatever. American flag bathing suits and swim trunks are in such great supply that I don’t even feel the need to link to them. Also, any obnoxious tanks (see the above “Land of the Free Home of the Rage” or everyone’s favorite “Back to Back World War Champs” tanks) are heavily encouraged.

If It’s a Little Chilly Where You Are:

Again, my mom has you covered.

My mom’s holiday sweater game > Doron Lamb’s sock game

If You’re Cheap:

I have it on good authority that WalMart has the best of the trashiest American flag apparel you’ll ever see. Think bald eagles flying through fireworks over the State of Liberty. Great stuff that you can wear a couple of times, spill a ton of beer on or accidentally get burned with a sparkler in, and then trash if you don’t enjoy the weathered look.

If You Tend to Go Overboard:

A full body suit in American flag is a bargain at any price, but especially at $25. I first saw this look combined with the aforementioned JammyPack layered on top- Sam Twyman, shoutout. You’re an American here.

 

What I’m getting at with this post is that there’s no wrong way to wear an American flag. There’s loving the American flag, and then there’s Communism. Choose loving the American flag, and have a great Fourth of July.

 

With Liberty and Justice For All,

Kristen