Who's Next?

Hello, friends. I hope you're having a great day. And I know you are, because it's hard not to have a great day when your beloved Wildcats are the 2012 NCAA National Champions. It's a beautiful thing, no? That feeling that the world is our oyster for the next year. That we are the best in the country. That our guys are better than anyone else's guys. What else can be said that hasn't been said? It's just great. I think you'd agree. And when a team, like this illustrious Wildcat team, is on the top of the proverbial heap like we are, the question then becomes: how good was this team, anyway? By my count, it was only an hour and a half after the final buzzer sounded that people were already asking "Is this team better than the 1996 team?" Of course, it's a bit absurd to so immediately be evaluating these teams against all others, but it such questions do raise interesting hypotheticals. And while the Cats are on this roll already, let's entertain those hypotheticals in a piece we'll call "How Do They Stack Up?" Shall we? We shall. Happy Wednesday, and congrats to the mighty Wildcats. ------ Vs. The 2004 Angola National Olympic Team The matchup: Though they may have dominated in the African Championships, Coach Mario Palma's twelfth-of-twelve teams in the 2004 Olympics can't hold a candle to some of America's former young top recruits in the 2012 Champion Wildcats. Though three-point threat Antonio Carvalho can shoot from anywhere, Calipari's defensive schemes render him useless; and small forward Edmar Victoriano may be a solid rebounder but continually has the ball stripped by our tenacity beneath the basket. Davis has 4 blocks and 12 points, Doron Lamb is hot with 25 points and Miller's additional 19 points help bolster the win. In the end, Angola's good, but just not good enough. The Score: 73-59 The Winner: The Kentucky Wildcats ------ Vs. The "Fab Five" The matchup: In a showdown between two teams debated over and oft-remarked to be similar in magnitude, the Kentucky Wildcats take on the 1991 Michigan Wolverines on the neutral court of Detroit's Joe Louis Arena. An early twelve-point lead by the Wolverines slowly gets chipped away in the minutes leading up to halftime, and the second half sees Michael Kidd-Gilchrist with an explosive eight-point run, a four-point lead for the Cats and foul trouble for Jalen Rose and Jimmy King. Juwan Howard gets a hot hand as the clock ticks down, however, ending up with 22 points and bringing the Wolverines within one in the game's final seonds. They can't hang on, leaving the Cats with a well-earned though nerve-wracking victory. The Score: 66-65 The Winner: The Kentucky Wildcats ------ Vs. The "Fab Four" The matchup: Though it's tough to hear with 14,000 screaming teenagers at historic Wimbledon stadium, the Wildcats exhibit a fiery confidence as they face a team where the tallest player is Paul McCartney at a mere 5'11". John Lennon walks off the court in the middle of the first half and Ringo Starr can do nothing with Terrence Jones, who continually posterizes the hapless drummer. George Harrison, who has never played basketball before but picks up the game as it goes along, makes a valiant effort but ultimately comes away with 6 points. At the final buzzer, the band looks confused as to what just happened or what "three goggles" are. The Score: 106-37 The Winner: The Kentucky Wildcats ------- Vs. The World's Tallest Men The matchup: After countless media pundits and sports fans clamor to see it happen, the Wildcats travel to an indoor arena in Tunisia to take on a collective team of the tallest living men on the planet, including 8'3" Turk Sultan Kosen, 8'1" Moroccan Brahim Takioullah and 7'11 Zhang Juncai from China. The game is only truly competitive for about twenty seconds, as it doesn't take long for everyone in attendance to realize that just because someone is extremely tall doesn't mean that person is good at or even knows how to play basketball. The Score: 173-4 The Winner: The Kentucky Wildcats ------- Vs. The Ghostly Sea Captain at the Old Carnival The matchup: When strange occurrences and the apparition of a sea captain's ghost at the abandoned carnival start to spook night watchmen, the Wildcats are called in to investigate. With the help of Don Knotts and Sandy Duncan, Marquis Teague finds some glow-in-the-dark paint and a tape recorder of creepy noises hidden behind a stairwell while Kyle Wiltjer and Doron Lamb head off to make a gigantic sandwich in the carnival's old kitchen. After a chase sequence where everyone runs in and out of doors across the same hallway, Darius Miller drops a net on the sea captain and we find out it's just Old Man Jenkins, who wanted to scare everyone off the land so he could buy it for himself. Doron Lamb gets spooked by a sudden noise and leaps into Kyle Wiltjer's arms, and everyone laughs. The Score: Wildcats 1, Old Man Jenkins zero. The Winner: The Kentucky Wildcats The "Best Friends Mystery Club" ------ Vs. Mothra The matchup: Though he tries his best, not even Naismith Player of the Year Anthony Davis' swats are strong enough to take down the rampaging Mothra, whose lepidopteran spray immobilizes the team and renders them largely unable to defend themselves and the city as she tears through buildings and sends citizens running. During the post-game interviews, John Calipari shrugs humbly, telling Tracy Wolfson that "we just got outplayed today. Also, it was extremely difficult for us to dodge the lightning bolts and arcs of fire emitting from its wings. We'll just need to learn from these mistakes." The Score: N/A The Winner: Mothra