You Add 16 Friends and What Do You Get?

Last week the Wall Street Journal reported that Facebook is working with a real estate development company to build a "394-unit housing community within walking distance of its offices." This Facebook Company Town will include a slew of amenities including "everything from a sports bar to a doggy day care." Obviously Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook have moved on from just the social network business and the phone business. They're in the Empire Business. First they begin to house all of their employees and then... ZE WORLT! But before you run to your ~~Cold War~~ War on Terror bunker and start taking your SPAM inventory, let's consider the most optimistic aspect of the first FaceBurgh. The opportunity for franchising. The time and circumstances are fertile for all sorts of FaceStores to come into being to serve the legions of loyal FaceTroops that will live there. From a plant nursery to a bookstore to a strip club, here is a short list of the modern conveniences just begging to become reality in a Facebook controlled world.

faceplant Our name may have changed (Pharm-ville is apparently no longer cool) but faceplant is still your local plant nursery and "pharmacy" (by legal definition in the state of CA)! Want some ferns or a couple of pineapple plants to give your living quarters a tropical feel? Or maybe you're searching for some cacti and an agave plant to achieve that perfect desert oasis vibe? Whatever your plant needs, we have them at faceplant! We also offer a variety of soils and plant foods to help you care for your plants. Together, let's turn that pink thumb green! Oh, yeah. We are also your local pharmacy! We might not have any aspirin or ibuprofen, but here you can apply for and receive your CA medicinal marijuana license all on the same day! We have a registered doctor on-site who can provide you with all of the necessary prescriptions and paperwork. Because as you know, getting an MML in California is easier than getting a driver's license in Texas (but more difficult than getting a Pistol Permit in Alabama)! Once you're registered, faceplant has the largest selection of proprietary strands on the market! We have everything from "Zuck It, I Am High!" to "IP-Whooaaa" to "Trent Resin-or." So come on down to faceplant today! We'll help you stumble home!

pizzaface Got the munchies while pulling an all-nighter? Need a break from programming? Well you can't have one of those, but after you're finished come on down to pizzaface to get the best pizza in all of Facebook, CA! It's the only place to get authentic Californewyorkitalian pizza on the West Coast. We've been tracking your eating habits and have compiled the data and made a menu of only your favorite pizzas! Come in and try the Zuckeroni! This is a sumptuous pie with a Doritos Nacho Cheese crust, topped with a Monster Energy-basil reduction, convenient store nacho cheese, tofu, and fresh tomatoes. In the mood for meat? Try the EULAioli Bison Supreme. After reading the description and agreeing to the toppings, you'll be served with a delicious 'Za served on a whole wheat crust, deep fried in bison fat. We top that with an Emu-egg Aioli, garlic encrusted bison flank steak, deep fried asparagus spears, and finished with a cranberry-garlic glaze. Whatever time of day the hunger hits you, come on down to pizzaface! We also deliver to both work and habitation cubes 24/7!

f-books! We're the book store for people who hate to read! Are your friends over at Google and Twitter making fun of you because you live at your job and can't or won't read a book for pleasure? Well f*** them! And f*** books! Here at f-books! we've moved on and accepted that you have neither the time, nor the corporate mandated will to read. So we've rendered all of the best novels and works of literature into facebook ads! Gather culture on the side of your screen while you read your friend's status updates! Once you come into the store, we'll let you choose a genre and how often you want to read a new book, and then we'll load it directly to your facebook profile. Read the most complicated novel in the English language!* Finnegan's Wake by James J ----------------------- Sir Tristram, violer d’amores, fr’over the short sea, had passencore rearrived from North Read a classic of American literature that inspired a generation of writers! Huck Finn by Mark Twain: ----------------------- You don't know about me, without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom You don't know about him, and because of us, YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO! So shut those a**holes up and read in a more efficient, corporate approved manner. And remember, f-books! *This is an actual excerpt from Finnegan's Wake. No amount of context, or continued reading, would ever render this legible or intelligible to anyone.

Gingermint Zuckerberg Gentlemen's Club Hey, yo, faceworld inhabitors. Pappa Zucks knows that you've been lonely working all those extra hours, trying to get in them extra features and tracking the tampon brand preference of all of the beautiful female users of whatever-stan. He also knows that he cannot contractually obligate you to spend your free time at company owned side-businesses, but let me tell you. When you see the girls, the drink deals, and the buffet here at the Gingermint Zuckerberg we promise you're gonna want to come on down today. Don Zucks has spared no expense in bringing in the tastiest morsels that the city of Louisville, Kentucky has to offer. With a no-cash cover (cover charge of $30 is deducted directly from your paycheck), private dances that cost the age of your dancer (avg dancer age is 47), and drink specials out the wazoo (4Loko gin fizz, made with organic egg whites! 2 for $15) we see absolutely no reason that you can't come down and relax at the Gingermint Zuckerberg. It's an exclusive club, just for employees, and the boss says you check out. So c'mon down today and have a ball.

iCandy (due for demolition on 10/31/13) Just because you think you've copyrighted the lowercase i, doesn't mean that you have App-holes! You need some sugar to keep you awake? You need something sweet to clean the taste of the Gingermint from your mouth? Swing by iCandy and see what we have to offer! Also, we're obligated by the legal system of the State of California to inform you that we are a subsidiary of Facebook, Inc. and are in no way related to, involved with, or in cahoots with Apple Inc. We carry every variety of candy that you could imagine! From Red Washington Taffy to Granny Smith Zuckers! We have Fuji facebars and Braeburn Poke-O Sticks! Everything you could want for your sweet tooth, we carry it here at iCandy. It all looks so good and delicious, which is why we always say we put the "i" in "eye candy!" Again, despite the Apple flavorings we employ and the use of a lower case "i" in our marketing campaign, we are in no way affiliated with Apple Inc. or any of their subsidiaries. Please don't shut us down Mr. Zuckerberg.

UnFriend Cafe Are you tired of seeing the same people day-in and day-out? Does the fact that the company set your next door neighbor in the cube right next to you fill you with an unceasing rage? Can you not escape your company-mandated significant other (Coming Next Fall: FACEugenics!)? Then rush right over to the UnFriend Cafe. We're open 24 hours a day 7 days a week and we'll help you to finally score some alone time! When you enter the UnFriend Cafe, the piercing sounds of Phillip Glass and John Cage will immediately fill you with a sense of dread and isolation. As you wait on the conveyor belt in your numbered desolation-sphere, you can contemplate the abject solitude that fills your life while reading our menu of lattes and espresso drinks (one-shot limit). Once your number is called, you'll be ushered before your Barista. There you'll sit in judgement of your order as you admit to them all of your coffee-related desires. Once your order is ready it will be served to you by a dispassionate robot arm. Your d-sphere will have access to your work desktop if you desire to work, and a small cot in case you wish to openly weep at the tattered remains of your humanity. After 15 mins, each customer will be administered a sedative and will awaken at their desks at 7 am sharp in order to begin work anew.

Wall-Markt What's a company town without the company store? At Wall-Markt we combine the up-to-the-minute status updates of facebook's wall with the ruthless efficiency of a German market! Our inventory is vast, with every ingredient and home supply you could ever need. And our variety of brand is endless! Best of all, the prices of all the goods are tied directly to invented economy centered around the value of facebook's shares! As prices per share go up, so do the prices of goods! As the share price goes down, goods remain the same in order to not put more uncertainty into the market and further devalue the company. Each commodity is represented by an enormous touch screen "Wall." On this wall, the status of a particular brand is constantly updated by efficient German robotics. You select the brand you desire by putting the barcode tattooed onto the palm of your hand against the logo of that brand. If the price has not been updated on the screen in time, or if the item is out of stock, you will receive a small electric shock letting you know that you need to find another brand. Once you've successfully selected an item and quantity, you'll be herded on to the next commodity. Once you've filled your basket, you'll be escorted off of the premises and your day pass will be removed. The items you've ordered will be delivered directly to your domicile within 8-10 business days of Wall-Markt processing your order. You'll notice that then penmanship on your bill of sale will be unmatched (Robots).

Poke a Pet! Because, uh, why not? We're not really sure what good this does.

Do any of you have any good ideas for businesses in facebook town? If so, tweet them at me (@KalanKucera) with the hashtag #FaceBurgh or leave them in the comments below!