I will conclude our conversation with this; your approach to Scripture appears to be from the "apologetics of man's" seeking to be like God. You have attacked said Scriptures with silliness, and demonstrate that you approach the very Scriptures you attack by eisegesis. Eisegesis is identified as a sin in the very part of the Bible that you call absurd and not "verbatim". (Deuteronomy 4:2 and 12:32).
My Jewish father was raised Catholic, and I remember sitting in the living room watching Bishop Sheen on the television with him. I have both the "Baltimore Catechism" (1885) and the "Catechism of the Catholic Church" (Revised Edition 1994) in my library and have extensively studied both.
You mentioned contradictions in Scripture, of which I don't agree with that premise. (See "Bible Difficulties" by Geisler).
Nevertheless, I have found 57 MAJOR contradictions to Scripture in the teaching of the Catholic Church primarily surrounding 1) The Sure Word of God, 2) "Sola Scriptura", 3) "Sola Fede", 4) The Mass, 5) Authority of man, 6) Issues regarding Mary, 7) Icons and statues, 8) The Traditions of Men (Magisterium), 9) and the Assurance of Salvation and Purgatory.
Perhaps your concerns with Scripture contradictions should begin with these.