Someone was recently asking for advice about a best mans speech…
Is there a running thread for funny jokes or memes?
- Thread starter Got GSPs
- Start date
During sex, Man suddenly stops and remains motionless. He then starts again and after some time stops to remain motionless once again. This goes on for quite some time.
Wife: What the hell are you doing?
Man: I have seen this new technique on an internet porn site...
Wife: Stupid... that is due to buffering.
Wife: “Guess what, Honey! I just came back from the doctor, and he said I have the body of a 20-year-old!”
Husband: “Did he say anything about your 60-year-old ***?”
Wife: “No. Your name didn’t come up.”
A Young Lil Johnny is about to marry and asks his grandfather Elder Lil Johnny how often a married couple should have sex.
Elder Lil Johnny tell Lil Johnny, "When you first get married,
you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week.
As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year --
maybe on your anniversary."
Young Lil Johnny asks, "Well; How about you and Grandma?"
Elder Lil Johnny his grandfather replies,
"Oh, we just have oral sex now.
She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom.
She yells, 'F..k you,' and I holler back, 'F..k you, too!'"
Wife: What the hell are you doing?
Man: I have seen this new technique on an internet porn site...
Wife: Stupid... that is due to buffering.
Wife: “Guess what, Honey! I just came back from the doctor, and he said I have the body of a 20-year-old!”
Husband: “Did he say anything about your 60-year-old ***?”
Wife: “No. Your name didn’t come up.”
A Young Lil Johnny is about to marry and asks his grandfather Elder Lil Johnny how often a married couple should have sex.
Elder Lil Johnny tell Lil Johnny, "When you first get married,
you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week.
As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year --
maybe on your anniversary."
Young Lil Johnny asks, "Well; How about you and Grandma?"
Elder Lil Johnny his grandfather replies,
"Oh, we just have oral sex now.
She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom.
She yells, 'F..k you,' and I holler back, 'F..k you, too!'"
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🫣
A young guy approaches a hot lady in a bar & asks if she was a Happy Meal. She replied, “I sure am. I always cvm with a toy inside me”.
A young guy approaches a hot lady in a bar & asks if she was a Happy Meal. She replied, “I sure am. I always cvm with a toy inside me”.
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The world is composed of neutrons, protons, electrons and morons.
The past, present and future all walked into a bar at the same time. It was tense.
The past, present and future all walked into a bar at the same time. It was tense.
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My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.
When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.
A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid ***** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked!
I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not **** in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....
When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.
A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid ***** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked!
I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not **** in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....
If you have the video, be sure to forward it to Bob.
That elephant is hung like a horse!
We did the playground version at recess in school. "WHORES"
Every woman is bi. You just have to figure out if it's polar or sexual.
. . . or annual. That usually comes after the wedding cake is cut.
Wow…that was epically bad. Even by CF’s standards.
🌫This little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent."
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly."
"Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing.
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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed
one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to
fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite sometime.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then
began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his
hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again,
working down her side, passed gently
over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side,
then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing,
she asked in a loving voice,
'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He said , 'I found the remote'
What are some interesting unknown facts to people?
Riding a bicycle can be enjoyable and rewarding
Riding a bicycle can be enjoyable and rewarding
Guy is laying in the sack, head on his pillow, next to his latest conquest.
Woman: "I have a confession. I used to be a Christian."
Man: "Doesn't worry me babe!"
Woman: "Awesome. I much prefer being a Christine!"
Woman: "I have a confession. I used to be a Christian."
Man: "Doesn't worry me babe!"
Woman: "Awesome. I much prefer being a Christine!"
Farmer goes over to his neighbors and knock at the door.
A young boy opens the door.
"is your Dad Home?" the farmer asked.
No sir, he isn't the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the man, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The man stood there for a minute mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one.
Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment.
"You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know Pa charges $500 for the bull and $100 for the boar,
but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
A young boy opens the door.
"is your Dad Home?" the farmer asked.
No sir, he isn't the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the man, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The man stood there for a minute mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one.
Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment.
"You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know Pa charges $500 for the bull and $100 for the boar,
but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
Two Italian men got on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul mouthed sex obsessed pig!", she retorted indignantly.
In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!
Hey, coola down lady, said the man, Whooza talkin about sex? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spell Mississippi.
🫥
Ethel was a
bit of a demon in her scooter and loved to charge
around the nursing home,
taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed
on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman
was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one
corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
'STOP!,' he
shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a licence for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted
'STOP! Have you proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your
way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final
corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What’ in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,
'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
Ethel was a
bit of a demon in her scooter and loved to charge
around the nursing home,
taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed
on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman
was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one
corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
'STOP!,' he
shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a licence for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted
'STOP! Have you proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your
way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final
corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What’ in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,
'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
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I agree with you Bison, Parkinson’s is not a disease anyone should be inflected…
I shall remove the post.
I selected another joke for the post
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