"This is a reminder to all fans that smoking is not permitted inside the stadium. That includes cigarettes, cigars and corncob pipes."
Trib
Is there a running thread for funny jokes or memes?
- Thread starter Got GSPs
- Start date
Trib
The announcement at the Pitt football game DID happen. I was there. The announcer was reprimanded.
Three friends grew up together and became very successful. One became a doctor, one a lawyer, one an engineer.
They join a country club to hang out and play golf. One day, they were out, and the group in front of them is playing painfully slow. Finally, they see a ranger and ask the ranger - why are these guys so slow?
The ranger says - "These guys are army veterans who lost their sight in the war, and are all blind. As a thank you for their service, the club let's them play here for free once a week."
The doctor says- "I am a pretty good doctor - perhaps I can help them regain their sight".
The lawyer says - "I wonder if I can help them get some money so they can live comfortably"
The engineer says "They are blind? Why the hell don't they just play at night?" For my man @step.eng69
They join a country club to hang out and play golf. One day, they were out, and the group in front of them is playing painfully slow. Finally, they see a ranger and ask the ranger - why are these guys so slow?
The ranger says - "These guys are army veterans who lost their sight in the war, and are all blind. As a thank you for their service, the club let's them play here for free once a week."
The doctor says- "I am a pretty good doctor - perhaps I can help them regain their sight".
The lawyer says - "I wonder if I can help them get some money so they can live comfortably"
The engineer says "They are blind? Why the hell don't they just play at night?" For my man @step.eng69
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Potato Cutter
Peter goes home after being fired from his job at a chips factory.
His wife is surprised because he had *Employee of the Month* for 10 months in a row.
She asks "What happened?"
"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", Peter replied.
The wife who was even more surprised after hearing what happened, asked if everything was okay with his penis?
"Yes everything is fine with the penis", he replied.
"What about the potato cutter?" she asked.
"She got fired as well."
Peter goes home after being fired from his job at a chips factory.
His wife is surprised because he had *Employee of the Month* for 10 months in a row.
She asks "What happened?"
"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", Peter replied.
The wife who was even more surprised after hearing what happened, asked if everything was okay with his penis?
"Yes everything is fine with the penis", he replied.
"What about the potato cutter?" she asked.
"She got fired as well."
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Just saw the post this morning. Have a fine day my friend roThree friends grew up together and became very successful. One became a doctor, one a lawyer, one an engineer.
They join a country club to hang out and play golf. One day, they were out, and the group in front of them is playing painfully slow. Finally, they see a ranger and ask the ranger - why are these guys so slow?
The ranger says - "These guys are army veterans who lost their sight in the war, and are all blind. As a thank you for their service, the club let's them play here for free once a week."
The doctor says- "I am a pretty good doctor - perhaps I can help them regain their sight".
The lawyer says - "I wonder if I can help them get some money so they can live comfortably"
The engineer says "They are blind? Why the hell don't they just play at night?" For my man @step.eng69
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
So an elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
I don’t believe I’ve shared this one, but apologies if I did. Not going over 200+ posts to check.
Newlywed couple returns from their honeymoon and settle into the new home.
Saturday morning rolls around and the husband is getting his golf clubs out to put in his vehicle. His wife asks what he’s doing.
H - on Saturday mornings I go golfing with my married buddies.
W - on Saturday mornings we get groceries.
H - no, I’m going golfing.
W - we are going after groceries.
H - we can talk about this when we get back home.
And, when they returned from the grocery store and put everything away, they talked about it.
OL
Newlywed couple returns from their honeymoon and settle into the new home.
Saturday morning rolls around and the husband is getting his golf clubs out to put in his vehicle. His wife asks what he’s doing.
H - on Saturday mornings I go golfing with my married buddies.
W - on Saturday mornings we get groceries.
H - no, I’m going golfing.
W - we are going after groceries.
H - we can talk about this when we get back home.
And, when they returned from the grocery store and put everything away, they talked about it.
OL
A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken
apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?"
replied by his mother The young boy answered " The other day, Daddy was
talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the a$$ off
his secretary."
apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?"
replied by his mother The young boy answered " The other day, Daddy was
talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the a$$ off
his secretary."
Haha, no but was actually asked….Hey Bison, sounds like you donated a few seeds.
Dad kills a deer and has it butchered. He grills it up one night for dinner. his son sits at the table to eat and he asks what it is. Dad tells him he has to eat a bite and then he’ll give him a hint.
son takes a bite and then dad tells him “it’s what your mom sometimes calls me”
son immediately spits it out screaming, “ugh it’s *******, why would you give us *******?”
The stars are donkey hole….
son takes a bite and then dad tells him “it’s what your mom sometimes calls me”
son immediately spits it out screaming, “ugh it’s *******, why would you give us *******?”
The stars are donkey hole….
An old man accidently crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.
The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The
old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”
In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says
“Dad I train Navy Seals not Dolphins"
The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The
old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”
In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says
“Dad I train Navy Seals not Dolphins"
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My wife used to smoke after sex.
So we started using lube.
So we started using lube.
The regular mens group was out golfing and there was a hole near one of the main highways running past the course. As a funeral procession went by one of the golfers stopped what he was doing and stood silently while removing his hat. Another member of the group said, "hey, that's very respectful of you to pay respects to the recently departed like that". The man solemnly put his hat back on, turned to the group and said, "well, we were married for 35 years".
A man goes to the doctor with a frog on his head.
The doctor says, ”What seems to be the matter?”
The frog says, “It’s about this pimple on my a**.”
The doctor says, ”What seems to be the matter?”
The frog says, “It’s about this pimple on my a**.”
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if
he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle?
Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high,
sorry about that ..
Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house
with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too,
and I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!"
he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle?
Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high,
sorry about that ..
Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house
with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too,
and I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!"
One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says," Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing"?
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious"?)
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket."
"For reading a book"? she replies.
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.
"But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece!!.............
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says," Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing"?
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious"?)
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket."
"For reading a book"? she replies.
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.
"But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece!!.............
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does"
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does"
Guy looks into his girlfriends eyes, says to her, "You remind me of my big toe."
Girlfriend giggles and replies, "Why, because I am small and cute?"
Boyfriend: "No, because I am going to bang you on my coffee table!"
Girlfriend giggles and replies, "Why, because I am small and cute?"
Boyfriend: "No, because I am going to bang you on my coffee table!"
Wife comes home from work one day and tells her husband she was fired. He asked what happened and she says she was caught blowing bubbles in the copy room. Husband can’t believe it so the next morning he goes in to talk to the boss. After giving the boss three levels of hell the boss let’s the husband know that ‘bubbles’ is the nickname of the copier repair man.
My buddy couldn’t seem to get a date so I lent my advise.
I told him he needs to give the girl a compliment. So, while at a dance, I suggested he invite a girl to the dance floor, and while dancing, give her a compliment.
As the couple is dancing, she steps back and slaps him across the face.
When he makes his way back to me, I ask if he gave her a compliment.
He said he did.
What did you say to her?
I told her she sweat the least of any overweight woman I had ever danced with!
OL
I told him he needs to give the girl a compliment. So, while at a dance, I suggested he invite a girl to the dance floor, and while dancing, give her a compliment.
As the couple is dancing, she steps back and slaps him across the face.
When he makes his way back to me, I ask if he gave her a compliment.
He said he did.
What did you say to her?
I told her she sweat the least of any overweight woman I had ever danced with!
OL
This pilot must be regaled to our former coach, Bill O’Brien…
Punch line is “you don’t sweat much for a fat girl.”My buddy couldn’t seem to get a date so I lent my advise.
I told him he needs to give the girl a compliment. So, while at a dance, I suggested he invite a girl to the dance floor, and while dancing, give her a compliment.
As the couple is dancing, she steps back and slaps him across the face.
When he makes his way back to me, I ask if he gave her a compliment.
He said he did.
What did you say to her?
I told her she sweat the least of any overweight woman I had ever danced with!
OL
After having several face lifts, a woman returns to the plastic surgeon's office begging for yet another.
He tells her that he can no longer do a face lift on her, but he can install a new investigational device known as "the knob".
He explains to her that "the knob" is a small, inconspicuous knob that he will install at the base of her neck hidden beneath her hair. Whenever she feels like she needs a little face lift, she is to simply reach back there, give the knob a twist, and thats it. Instant face lift.
After several years have past and the woman had not been to see the surgeon even once, she comes walking into his office and says she has two questions/concerns. Of course, he invites her right back and says "ask away".
She proceed to ask him about the bags that have slowly developed under her eyes. After a close inspection, the Dr. says "Not sure how to say this, so I'll just say it. But the bags under your eyes appear to be your breasts. Apparently, you have used the knob so much since I have last seen you that you actually pulled your skin so tight that your breasts have been pulled up to your eyes!!!"
Shocked, the woman simply says "Wow, so much for my 2nd question. I was going to ask you where the hell this goatee came from!"
He tells her that he can no longer do a face lift on her, but he can install a new investigational device known as "the knob".
He explains to her that "the knob" is a small, inconspicuous knob that he will install at the base of her neck hidden beneath her hair. Whenever she feels like she needs a little face lift, she is to simply reach back there, give the knob a twist, and thats it. Instant face lift.
After several years have past and the woman had not been to see the surgeon even once, she comes walking into his office and says she has two questions/concerns. Of course, he invites her right back and says "ask away".
She proceed to ask him about the bags that have slowly developed under her eyes. After a close inspection, the Dr. says "Not sure how to say this, so I'll just say it. But the bags under your eyes appear to be your breasts. Apparently, you have used the knob so much since I have last seen you that you actually pulled your skin so tight that your breasts have been pulled up to your eyes!!!"
Shocked, the woman simply says "Wow, so much for my 2nd question. I was going to ask you where the hell this goatee came from!"