Is there a running thread for funny jokes or memes?
- Thread starter Got GSPs
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Take your crap to the test board, ahole troll.
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Take your crap to the test board, ahole troll.
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Now now, settle down sparky. The US Navy released this. It wasn't leaked, the US Navy wanted this out there. The production quality alone is hysterical.
What do a frozen beer, a burnt pizza and a pregnant woman have in common?
Some guy forgot to pull it out.
Some guy forgot to pull it out.
My wife said “I really liked the way you used to treat me , before we got married - could we try and re- live those days tomorrow evening “.
“ Sure ” I replied.
We went to the local cinema and sat in the back row seats.
Afterwards , we called into the local pub for a drink.
Then ate fish n chips out of the wrapper , sitting in the car , in the town centre.
I then drove her to her mum and dads place - kissed her good night and went home alone.
By the look on her face - I do not think that was quite the end to the evening she had in mind……
“ Sure ” I replied.
We went to the local cinema and sat in the back row seats.
Afterwards , we called into the local pub for a drink.
Then ate fish n chips out of the wrapper , sitting in the car , in the town centre.
I then drove her to her mum and dads place - kissed her good night and went home alone.
By the look on her face - I do not think that was quite the end to the evening she had in mind……
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which, without missing a beat the flight attendant replied, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should use a condom. Funny thing is they were all just pictures of me.
. . . the problem was, she was bald down thereIt was a day like any other, Then . . . . . .
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?
He heard the ref was blowing fowls .......
He heard the ref was blowing fowls .......
Why athletes can’t have regular jobs...
I believe it is the Yogi Berra influence....
"I don’t know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads."
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
“I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.”
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
“I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skin’s say:
“I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
“He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (Now that is beautiful.)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
“You guys line up alphabetically by height.” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
“Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
“That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
“He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”
11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January.)
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
“I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’”
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D:
“Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
“I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”
I believe it is the Yogi Berra influence....
"I don’t know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads."
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
“I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.”
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
“I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skin’s say:
“I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
“He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (Now that is beautiful.)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
“You guys line up alphabetically by height.” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
“Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
“That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
“He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”
11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January.)
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
“I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’”
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D:
“Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
“I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”
Not sure if this is the correct thread, but this made me laugh....
A woman went on vacation leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her pet cat. As soon as she arrived at her vacation spot, she called her husband and asked if the cat was aright. The husband said, "The cat just died!" She burst into tears and said, "how could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! You could have said it was playing on the roof today, tomorrow you could have said it fell off and broke it's leg. Then on the third day, you could have said the poor thing passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how's my Mother?"
He said, "She's playing on the roof"
He said, "She's playing on the roof"
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates.
St Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure. You've got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.”
Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence.
Ralph replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!”
“You're ovulating,” explained the rooster
“Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just cluck twice and then push.”
Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting the bed!!!”
How much experience do you have with official Presidential visits and related protocol? This isn’t unique.
who Doesn’t like garlic bread?
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Give me your thoughts on whether this is funny, unfunny, or dumb (or combination of any)
Q: What is the definition of Origami?
A: That's what a Japanese woman enjoys when she leans against the washing machine during the spin cycle.
Q: What is the definition of Origami?
A: That's what a Japanese woman enjoys when she leans against the washing machine during the spin cycle.
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
Not sure if this is true story or urban/rural legend, but....
- Heard during a Pitt/WVU football game at old Pitt Stadium....
"Ladies and gentlemen, may we have your attention please....we have been informed that a vehicle in the parking lot has left it's lights on.
If you are the owner of a John Deere tractor, West Virginia license plate EIEIO....your lights are on. "
Rodney Dangerfield one liners:
1. My wife is so fat, the bathtub has stretch marks.
2, I wouldn't say my daughter is promiscous, but she failed her driver's test because the front seat of the car was not a place she was familiar with.
3. When I was a kid, I wanted to get my kite to flly in the air. My old man told me to run off a cliff.
4. My mother never breastfeed me as a kid. She told me she only liked me as a friend.
- Heard during a Pitt/WVU football game at old Pitt Stadium....
"Ladies and gentlemen, may we have your attention please....we have been informed that a vehicle in the parking lot has left it's lights on.
If you are the owner of a John Deere tractor, West Virginia license plate EIEIO....your lights are on. "
Rodney Dangerfield one liners:
1. My wife is so fat, the bathtub has stretch marks.
2, I wouldn't say my daughter is promiscous, but she failed her driver's test because the front seat of the car was not a place she was familiar with.
3. When I was a kid, I wanted to get my kite to flly in the air. My old man told me to run off a cliff.
4. My mother never breastfeed me as a kid. She told me she only liked me as a friend.
Awkward situation at my house last weekend. I held a gender reveal party for myself in the front yard, and it attracted quite a crowd. Local public safety officer showed up just after I dropped ‘em. I had no idea that these things were about unborn kids and didn’t involve nudity. Officer was cool, though. I got off with a warning for Impersonation of a Mannequin.
Rodney: “My wife’s cooking is so bad, flies have offered to patch up the hole in the screen door!”