A Red River Lunch Special II

Are you hungry?

No. 1: A Superstitious Sandwich.

Let’s dig in.

I’m a mess during Hate Week. You know how adults can always remember the first time they saw their fathers cry? My kids will have less of that and more of “I remember my dad the week of TX/OU. Sheesh.” It’s probably why they’ll all go to a small liberal arts or engineering school.

[Order THE LONGHORN ALPHABET for 10% off AND Free Shipping: Get your little Longhorns ready for Red River!]

I said on the radio with Trey Elling on Tuesday that I try not to retrace my steps from years when Texas lost to OU. I had an African History professor one semester at UT who was from Nigeria and canceled class twice because he saw a cat on the way to class. If he saw a cat, he’d just go home and go to bed. This week, above all weeks, I know the feeling.

Toby Keith songs are like my black cat. The other night I asked one of my friends’ sons what his baseball walk-up song was. His answer? “Should’ve Been a Cowboy.” I went to lay down fully clothed in a cold shower.

Determined to reverse the juju and the ominous lightning bolt of a Toby Keith reference in the middle of Hate Week, I took my third child to Dirty Martin’s for lunch. You go to a place like that and it’s like you’re in a warm bath of Longhorn lore. Earl is on the wall, Ricky is too—it just feels right. I got the OT Special, grilled onions and jalapeños with tater tots and was given #34 organically, without asking for it. A sign from Heaven.

No. 2: A Mateer Sampling.

John Mateer is listed as probable now for the Red River Shootout. A lot of Texas fans are sick of Brent Venables and the Sooners’ shadow operation. But I wonder how much of this isn’t even up to Venables. He’s been reduced to a defensive play caller and is more like a temp CEO than a president. Still, I don’t think it’s a question of whether or not Mateer will play. He will.

But will he take all the snaps at quarterback for Oklahoma? Will he have the reins of the offense? That’s where I have my doubts. My prediction is we just get a John Mateer sampling at the Cotton Bowl. Ben Arbuckle might roll Mateer out first, but it will be in a Willis Reed-type moment where the Wazzu transfer is given a high-percentage throw to complete or a low-risk QB run. Michael Hawkins Jr. will be the Sooners’ quarterback for all intents and purposes, with Mateer being more like a mascot.

No. 3: The Fair Park Combination.

An update from last year’s article

Here are the Red River games I’ve attended in person, but as food items I’ve tried at the Texas State Fair. Yes, it’s true I don’t have the best record at 3–6, but I’m also not the one who hired Charlie Strong and Tom Herman, nor am I the one who instructed Mack Brown to at times treat Red River like kickball at Vacation Bible School. After missing wins in 2009, 2013, and 2015, I won’t miss another if I can help it (and if my wife and kids will still love me if I go). No explanations will be provided for my answers.

The Wins.

2022 Texas 49 – Oklahoma 0: The warm cinnamon rolls inside the food court hall.

2018 Texas 48 – Oklahoma 45: Fletcher’s Corny Dog with a Lemonade Shake-Up.

2024 Texas 34 – Oklahoma 3: Your first wax cup beer of the day. It feels like a relief—you made it.

The Losses. 

2017 OU 29 – Texas 24: Your fifth lukewarm generic beer in a wax cup.
2010 OU 28 – Texas 20: Fried cheesecake. Nope.
2011 and 2012 OU bludgeonings: Fried Frito Pie.
2023 OU 34 – Texas 30: Fried iced tea.
2021 OU 55 – Texas 48: Fried butter.

No. 4: Plat du Jour

I outlined my reasons for being so confident in my preview yesterday. The TL;DR comes down to this: Texas is the better program (it’s just not kicked into gear yet), I don’t think the Oklahoma defense versus the Texas offense will prove to be as big of a matchup advantage for the Sooners as some expect, and I think Oklahoma is yet to be tested this year. Anything written about this game for the last 75 years compares it to a rock fight, “a prison riot.” Can you just come out cold and be ready to fight in a brawl on the street?

Texas is bloodied and bruised, but they’re tested. I think we could watch tomorrow and realize how Arch Manning has grown leaps and bounds since Columbus and UTEP. I also think the fact Texas has to win this game to keep their season’s hopes alive will matter in the end. At the end of the day, Oklahoma can drop this one and still dream about the SEC title or playoff on Monday.

No. 5: The Double Stack

The Longhorns have won back-to-back Texas/OU games only twice this century—back in 2005–06 and 08–09. Thank you, Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley.

It’s one of my biggest fears about the game this weekend. We simply haven’t seen Texas keep The Golden Hat in Austin since Barack Obama lacked any gray hair. But, in both instances where Texas did defend the Hat, it came during mini-eras when the Longhorns were in a better place program-wise than the Sooners. Unfortunately that’s something which has unfortunately been a rarity during the last 25 years. That is until Steve Sarkisian and Venables took over in Austin and Norman, respectively.

In year five, Sark already has the chance to do something Darrell K Royal was very good at and Mack Brown hardly ever succeeded at doing…keep the Hat home.

No. 6: The Legendary Platter

I wrote about how this game makes legends out of people before last year’s game. Here’s an excerpt: 

Derrick Johnson said something so candid and powerful it sounded like it came straight out of the Roman Colosseum or a scene from Gladiator rather than from a locker room: “I always tell younger Longhorns this: when you make a play at the Texas-OU game, that’s something that people will remember forever. They’ll remember that play you made in the Texas-OU. If you want to be legendary, make a play.”

It’s so true. The moments in this game are chiseled in time forever. Aaron Williams’ interception, Rod Wright rumbling, Quinn Ewers’ near-perfect day. Just last year, Silas Bolden etched his name into history with one of the greatest “Johnny-on-the-spot” moments I’ve ever seen in sports. Bolden was only on the Forty Acres for one year, played in Red River one time, yet he will never be forgotten by Longhorn fans.

[Order THE LONGHORN ALPHABET for 10% off AND Free Shipping: Get your little Longhorns ready for Red River!]

Who will it be this time?