For entertainment purposes only--Lord knows it gets plenty of facts wrong--I asked Claude AI to tell me what Mike and the Mad Dog would have had to say about Seton Hall's chances. Enjoy! And which one of you is Tommy from South Orange???
(Mike Francesa is leaned back so far he appears to be receiving a papal blessing from the ceiling. He has a Diet Coke. He is reviewing a printout with the expression of a Roman emperor who has just been handed an unsatisfactory tribute. Chris Russo is already vibrating at a frequency only dogs can hear, papers everywhere, one migrating toward the floor.)
RUSSO: AHHHHH GOOD AFTERNOON EVERYBODY! HOW ARE YOU TODAY! Welcome in! Mike, before anything else — SETON HALL! Eighteen and eight! They went into HINKLE FIELDHOUSE — built in 1928, Mike, Bobby Plump hit the shot THERE, they filmed Hoosiers THERE —
FRANCESA: Dawg.
RUSSO: — and BEAT Butler! Held them to thirty percent shooting! Then Providence at the Prudential Center, the place was JUMPING! And yet every bracketologist has them OUTSIDE the field! An eighteen-and-eight Big East team can't get in?! EXPLAIN it to me!
FRANCESA: (sets down the Diet Coke with the deliberateness of a man defusing a bomb) One. And. Five.
RUSSO: ...I'm sorry?
FRANCESA: Seton Hall's Quad One record, Dawg. Not two and five, which would already be a crisis. ONE win. FIVE losses. The whole yeah.
RUSSO: But those losses are to LEGITIMATE teams! UConn! St. John's! Villanova TWICE —
FRANCESA: Dawg. The committee does not give you a participation trawphy for losin' to good teams. They count the WINS. One Quad One win. NC State. In NOVEMBER. In Maui. Against a team that was ranked twenty-three at the time and has since revealed itself to be, at best, a borderline tawnuhment team. That is the res-u-may.
RUSSO: (papers shuffling, one achieving liftoff) FINE. But they have FIVE games left! Let's go through the schedule!
FRANCESA: Let's go through it.
RUSSO: DePaul tonight at home. WIN.
FRANCESA: WIN. Quad Three. Does absolutely nothin' for the res-u-may. You get credit for not embarrassin' the program. That's it.
RUSSO: Georgetown Saturday. WIN.
FRANCESA: Also Quad Three. Also meaningless to the committee. WIN. They're twenty and eight and the needle has not moved one single millimetah.
RUSSO: February twenty-eighth. AT UCONN —
FRANCESA: (Diet Coke pauses halfway to his lips)
RUSSO: I give them twenty percent —
FRANCESA: There's no twenty percent. LOSS. Dawg, Dan Hurley has built somethin' at UConn that is genuinely special. The man is an unbelievable motivatah. You think he's gonna let Seton Hall walk into Gampel Pavilion and embarrass him when he's fightin' for a one seed? Hurley will have that building at a level that Seton Hall simply cannot match on the road. LOSS. And it's not close.
RUSSO: March third — at XAVIER. Now THIS —
FRANCESA: Quad Two.
RUSSO: ...What?
FRANCESA: Xayviah is ninety-seven in the NET, Dawg. Away Quad One cutoff is seventy-five. Xayviah is ninety-seven. Quad TWO win. Good to have. Does not move the Quad One needle one inch.
RUSSO: It's still a good win —
FRANCESA: It's fine. Bettah than a loss. I'll take Seton Hall there, they're the bettah team with the bettah playahs. WIN. A Quad Two win.
RUSSO: Which means EVERYTHING comes down to March sixth. Senior Night. Prudential Center. ST. JOHN'S.
FRANCESA: (leans forward for the first time, requiring significant physical effort) NOW we're talkin'. St. John's is twenty-fourth in NET. Home game. Quad ONE. The ONLY remainin' Quad One opportunity on this schedule. The whole yeah comes down to one game on Seniaw Night against Rick Pitino.
RUSSO: Seton Hall HAD them in January! FIFTEEN-point lead in the second half —
FRANCESA: Couldn't hold it. Which Holloway has mentioned to his playahs approximately four hundred times since then. I'll take the Hall. Seniaw Night crowd, Holloway's defense, they win it fifty-five, fifty-two. Ugly. Nobody scores for four-minute stretches. WIN.
RUSSO: SO — twenty-two and nine! And the Quad One record improves from one and five to —
FRANCESA: Two and five.
RUSSO: ...Two and five.
FRANCESA: Two and five. NC State in November and St. John's in March. That's the case you're bringin' to Indianapolis. "We won twenty-two games and beat two Quad One opponents." One of whom is no longah ranked.
RUSSO: (long pause) That's... not a great case.
FRANCESA: No, Dawg. It is not a great case AT ALL.
RUSSO: BUT — the Big East brand! The strength of schedule! The committee RESPECTS —
FRANCESA: Twenty-five percent at-large. And the only reason it's that high is the Big East Tawnuhment. You win four games at Madison Square Garden, you're in automatically. THAT is the path. The at-large path is very, very difficult with this res-u-may.
RUSSO: FIFTY percent! And you know what this reminds me of?
FRANCESA: (closing his eyes) Please don't.
RUSSO: The 1969 METS —
FRANCESA: Tom Seaver won twenty-five games. Name me the Tom Seaver on this rostah.
RUSSO: BUDD CLARK! Thirty-one points against Providence! Reminds me of a young Kemba Walkah —
FRANCESA: You said someone reminded you of a young Kemba Walkah three weeks ago.
RUSSO: COMPLETELY different playah and a COMPLETELY different comparison and honestly BOTH of them hold up!
FRANCESA: (to producers, with the exhaustion of a man who has been having this conversation for thirty years) What innin' is it?
RUSSO: FIFTY PERCENT! Holloway! The Big East Tawnuhment at the GARDEN! This team is ALIVE!
FRANCESA: Twenty-five. The path runs through Seniaw Night and then four days at the Garden. Win the Garden, you're dancin'. Lose to St. John's and go out in the first round of the Big East Tawnuhment, you're watchin' Selection Sunday from your couch and you are not happy at eleven o'clock. Break. One call when we come back.
(Music. Commercial. They return.)
RUSSO: Tommy from South Orange, you're on with Mike and the Mad Dog —
CALLER: Hey guys. Mike, I think you're way off. Seton Hall is absolutely a tournament team. Holloway is a genius and Budd Clark is the best playah nobody's talkin' about.
FRANCESA: Tommy. What is their Quad One record.
CALLER: I mean... they've had some tough losses but —
FRANCESA: One and five. Their one win is NC State in Maui in November. NC State is no longah ranked, Tommy.
CALLER: Okay but — honestly Mike, I feel like you just don't LIKE Seton Hall. I feel like you're always gonna favah St. John's —
FRANCESA: (a silence so complete you could hear the Diet Coke carbonating) Tommy. I just told you — on the air — that I think Seton Hall beats St. John's on Seniaw Night.
CALLER: Oh. ...Really?
RUSSO: HE DID, TOMMY! Mike Francesa picked Seton Hall over St. John's! Write it down!
CALLER: Wow. Okay I take it back, Mike. That's — that's genuinely —
FRANCESA: You're welcome. Now. Do you have an actual argument for why they get in at-large, or did you call to tell me I don't like Seton Hall?
CALLER: I... I thought that WAS my argument.
FRANCESA: (to producers) Get rid of him.
RUSSO: Tommy! You were SO CLOSE —
(Click.)
FRANCESA: That's the at-large case for Seton Hall right there, Dawg. "I feel like you don't like them." We'll be right back.